Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Who do you think you are? I mean that as a question of assessment, not as a shaming question, one of the beat-me-up questions I shake at myself from time to time.
Who we think we are, the labels we attach to ourselves, are ideas we have about ourselves. Woman, mother, wife, worker, friend, volunteer, gardener, cook, painter, vixen, CEO, chauffeur; we all have lists that can be rather extensive or pretty short.
When we use labels, we may limit ourselves. When we use labels, we have ideas that go along with those labels based on our past. That is kind of a mixed bag because those ideas set standards. If we call ourselves “mother” based on our own moms, we may be trying to measure up to an idealized memory, or to avoid behaviors that caused us pain.
We may do the same with our preconceived ideas about work, or friendship, how a garden should look, and so on.
When we know what we are basing our ideas on, they are tools. When we don’t, we may end up feeling bad, trying to measure up to that unconscious standard.
Why am I authentic? How am I the real thing? What makes me, me?
If I am feeling frustrated with my activity, I might want to check inside to see if I have preconceived ideas about what I’m doing, if I have a label attached. Am I doing my best? How much do I care about the task?
Sometimes, I may have the thought that something needs to be done perfectly, and that, surprisingly, can stop me dead in my tracks. I may feel like I don’t have the time it would take to get it done that particular way, or that I couldn’t manage it, and so the task remains undone.
As I bring those unconscious ideas up to the surface, I get to make decisions about them. I get to choose what feels right for me, not right for my idea of what satisfies that label. I take the best care I can of my babies, rather than trying to be the best mom. I learned that I had to make the house perfect back in the day, and hated it. Now, I go for good enough, and have come to love making things sparkle.
Why am I good enough? How do I know my own mind? Why can I choose?
I find that, for me, from time to time, I like to sit down and make a list of my labels, everything I can think of, as fast as I can go. It has often been surprising to see what shows up on that list.
Once I have it, I can think about what each label means to me, decide if I like it, decide if I want to keep it, or modify it, or what it means to me. The more I have played with these ideas, the more I have looked at what goes into them, the more they serve me, the less I serve them.
I find that I make choices to do things because I want to instead of to satisfy something buried deep inside, and my time is much more contentedly spent, regardless of the activity.
How have I changed from satisfying a label to being my authentic self?
(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 05252014
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