Reframing Difficult People

Reframing Difficult People

My fingertips must be sticky or something; I got two cards again today. Why am I grateful? Why do I like people?

Do those go hand in hand for you? Do you have people you like? People you appreciate?

I’ve got basically three kinds of people in my life. The ones I don’t know, or barely know. The ones I don’t like, and the ones I do like.

It used to be that I just didn’t like someone, end of story. This was so limiting. Kind of like the difference between making a statement and asking a Creative Question: there’s no room to grow. But when I move beyond this, things change and change. It’s remarkable.

Because I am a person, I will have to deal with difficult people from time to time.  I have started thinking of them as my best teachers because when I calm down, and stop blaming them for how I feel, I learn a ton of good stuff from them,  mostly about me, my shortcomings, and limited thinking. Sometimes looking at that stuff is challenging, but it’s always been worth it to me in the long run.

I have had a number of best teachers in my life. Over the years, I’ve found some tools and tips that have really helped me accept their presence in my life. I will share them with you because you know I love to do that!

Why do I like people? How do I choose? What makes me powerful? Why am I compassionate?

That’s the first place I go to. How can I feel compassion for this person? We all deserve compassion, so it’s not about them, it’s about me getting there on that person’s behalf. Sometimes, I am so resentful that I don’t want to let it go. I like that bitter, righteous feeling. Except that I really don’t for very long. Practicing going to compassion will start shifting my relationship with that best teacher.

Next, I found out that I need to find something to respect my challenging person for. Something real, not smarty-pants like, “I respect how annoying so and so is.” More like, “I respect so and so’s achievements.” When I start thinking about my challenging person with curiosity, looking for something to respect, and from a place of compassion, things start to change.

Now, since unchoosing victim is a big one for me, most of my best teachers offer me opportunities to do that. Your best teachers may well offer you different lessons. You can always tell who your best teachers are because they bug you the most.  You can also tell what your big lesson is because it comes up again and again.

For me,I also need to remember that, regardless of how they treat me, I will only feel abused if I choose to feel that way. I can choose to feel strong, capable, competent. I am not a victim, I choose to be a grownup.

Now I am well-equipped to have a different kind of interaction with you. Before I see you, I choose to be a grownup, I feel compassion and respect, and approach the interaction with curiosity. Things can change instantly.

How have I changed from thinking they suck to valuing and respecting them as best teachers?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 05172014

Who is your best teacher these days? Have you figured out your lesson?

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