SunAgape's Spot: Why am I grateful?

Showing posts with label Why am I grateful?. Show all posts

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Grateful to Great-Full

Oh, how I love the “Why am I grateful?” card. Learning to practice this concept changed my life. I hear some of you say, “That’s kind of overblown, doncha think, Pam?” Yeah, no.

I will say that I have a daily appreciations practice and that is different, for me, from gratitude.

Why am I grateful? What makes me appreciative? How am I thankful?

So here’s how I distinguish among these guys. Appreciation is how I live my life. What is the silver lining? How can I spin this into something good? Why would this be beautiful? How else could this be? What makes me change my judgment?

I first started getting this concept looking at the photographs of Joel-Peter Witkin. His stuff is amazing, very challenging, and some of it is stunningly beautiful to me. I found that it challenged not only my ideas of beauty, but also my ideas about my ideas. Ooh, deep!

Listening to others talk about what they like also change my thoughts. I tend to prefer sunny days, but one of my sisters is crazy for rainy days. Why would she like a rainy week? How could I value rainy days? What makes me find the gold in a gray day? Heh. Nice ways to mess with the mind!

Gratitude, on the other hand, is about the outside world impacting me. In days of yore, I searched for the yuck. I looked for ways I got shorted, or hurt, or abused. Then I would worry it and worry it until it festered into resentments. I was very good at that. As a child, I remember being asked a bazillion times to write thank-you notes. I hated doing that. I never felt that the gift I received made a big enough difference in the awfulness of my life to warrant a thank you. Poor little former self. Suffering is so judgmental and self-absorbed.

Gratitude, like appreciation, took me a lot of practice. I had to spend time every day thinking about whom I was grateful to, and why. That meant practice. Hmm. It also meant that I had to take note when something nice happened to me. I mean, I actually had to write stuff down because I didn’t have a Gratitude area in my brain, so stuff just bounced off. I am sad that I was so ungrateful for so long. I am happy that I have changed that.

Now, gratitude feels as easy as breath. Rare is the day that I am not aware of the kindness of most people I encounter; the smiles of strangers, a generous gesture, a kind word. It has changed my thinking about the world.

Now, I keep thank-you notes at my desk, at work, and at home. I write them a lot. I feel good expressing my gratitude to its source. I hear back that the recipients like to get them. Writing gratitude notes also helps me stay in touch with how much gratitude I have every day. You are such a big part of that just by reading this, by considering my ideas about stuff. I am so grateful to you for giving me a platform, and for being so patient with me as I have traveled this year through Wonderland addressing my health topics, my mis-learned beliefs about healing and cancer and attitude. Wowie kazow, have I learned a lot, let go of a lot.

How have I changed from feeling entitled and let down to living a life of gratitude?

Monday, December 15, 2014

Appreciating the Small

About 465 days ago I started a daily appreciations practice. My rule for it is simple. I think about the day before, and notice what I appreciated, or felt grateful about. I’m not allowed to impose today’s ideas about yesterday’s stuff. I can’t “pretend” I loved a sunset if I didn’t.Then I write about that stuff, and publish it on Facebook. You get the idea.

Knowing that I have an appreciation to write means that I have that attitude floating around in the background all the time. It doesn’t necessarily slow me down, but it does help me remember to savor moments during the day, to choose presence, to look for opportunities to feed my spirit.

That changes things.

Why am I so grateful? What makes me appreciate? How do I feel when I am grateful?

With that attitude tinting my worldview, I see you both more broadly and more deeply. I see how hard you try, I see your tender heart. Compassion for you is easy when I appreciate you.

When I have that feeling supporting my outlook, I notice how much “magical” stuff I’m surrounded by. Now, I don’t think cars or plumbing or computers are really magical, but I find it a fun way to talk about stuff that I don’t really understand the workings of. I mean, did you know that the holes under the rim of the toilet are crucial to it flushing properly? I appreciate that, and am much better about keeping them clean now.

On days when I have spent the day in bed with the chemo-flu, my appreciations may be pretty concise. On days when my energy is high and I have gotten to do stuff I may go on and on. Somedays, I get kinda blissed out on how cool this whole life thing is, and I will tend to go on about that, too.

I am also clear that there is stuff I am not grateful for. I am not particularly grateful for chemo-flu, buzzy burny feet, tingly numb hands, hot twinge-y eyes. I am grateful for my practice which allows me to acknowledge these experiences, and move on. I am grateful for treatments that bring me wellness, but I sure don’t have to be grateful for the side effects! I can choose to suspend my judgment to a certain extent.

I tend not to dwell on that stuff to the best of my ability.

I am clear that I am much more than I think I am. I am capable of much more compassion, much more creativity, much more appreciation. I am aware that I am capable of much more happiness. I am aware that I can model that behavior for you, so you can see one of a million ways to be happier, more creative, more compassionate, more appreciative.

I am aware that I often sound like a blissed out dork. I am. It took me a lot of practice to get here. Every moment of that was worth it. There are days when I don’t have to think about feeling good at all, and other days when I have to choose it over and over and over. It’s worth it.

Choosing happy means I have more energy, something I hold precious these days. Being miserable uses it up like a gas-guzzling engine, so I feel like I’m running on empty. Appreciating stuff; my home, my friends, my environment, my comfy chair, hot water upstairs, generates energy when I mean it.

How have I changed from taking the wonder for granted to appreciating the amazing little things in my life?

Monday, August 04, 2014

Changing the Go-To

One of the many things I go on and on and on about is gratitude. It was one of the big things I learned about that really helped me start making significant changes in my life.

Gratitude didn’t come easily. I was so invested in suffering that, as I used to say, I had three feelings; bad, terrible, and I wish I were dead.

It’s hard to feel anything else when that’s what you’re working with.

Most people got the “I’m fine” line. My nearest and dearest got to hear about how wretched everything else was. I had a few misery buddies who would return the favor, such as it was, and a wonderful, sunny best friend who did her best to cajole me up to “okay.” That didn’t happen a lot. We spent our time watching a lot of Monty Python, and playing cards. I think it may have been defensive on her part. And I did figure out years after she passed that she loved me unconditionally.

Somewhere on my path, someone told me that we can only really feel one thing at a time. Now I don’t know if I think that’s true, but I did discover that if I am focusing on one feeling, that is the main thing I’ve got going on.

Why can I choose? How do I decide? What makes me aware?

Noticing what I was feeling, specifically, was something I had to pay attention to. I had to accept that “bad” wasn’t a feeling, and wasn’t even very descriptive. I had to figure out what the feeling was, usually some moosh between angry and scared and grief. Once I got some kind of a handle on it, I wanted to do something about it. I was already addressing my big emo-stuff, this was more about how to manage on a day to day basis.

One of my teachers liked to say, “You can change your feelings as easily as changing your socks.” And while it irritated the heck out of me, I wanted that. He suggested that I try gratitude. I don’t think I rolled my eyes out loud, but I was skeptical. He helped me get to a place of feeling grateful, really feeling it, and had me set an anchor. For this one, I pressed the web between my thumb and forefinger while I was feeling grateful.

This was way before I knew to ask, “How do I feel when I feel grateful?”

What happened when I got really grateful? I was so focused on gratitude that the bad feelings I was having, mostly old habit feelings, went away. And I started to recognize them for habit-feelings. You know about those, right? Our go-to feelings when we don’t really have anything in particular going on.

I had to give up some stuff to change that bad go-to feeling. I had to give up saying, “That’s just the way I am.” I had to take responsibility for my feelings, how I felt, how I reacted to stuff, how I responded to my circumstances. I had to notice what was good about my life. How it was perfect for me where I was in my journey. I had to decide that I prefered feeling good, with its attendant stuff to feeling bad with its attendant stuff.

Now I wake up feeling good, feeling grateful almost every day. When I wake up crabby, I own it, I look at it, I change it. Sometimes just that is enough to let it go.

How have I changed from feeling stuck in bad feelings to choosing to feel grateful?

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

Grrratitude

Lately I seem to be talking a lot about tools, awarenesses, and insights that have made a big difference in my life, and the lives of a lot of other people, too. I like to review these things, because sometimes I forget about ‘em in all the daily day-to-day-ing.

Today, I pulled the card, “Why am I grateful?” Thinking about gratitude, appreciation, I started feeling grateful, and noticed what a relaxed, soft, open feeling it is. A deep breath feeling.

It made me think of the Sunshine Hand.

Many years ago, I was sunbathing on a cool, partly cloudy day. The sun would peek out, and fill my palm with sunny warmth. I closed my hand to try to hold it, and, of course, it was gone, but left in its place a profound life lesson. I can only feel the sunshine in my palm when my hand is open.

I can only receive the bounty of the Universe when I am open.

Gratitude and appreciation help me to open my heart.

Why am I grateful? How do I appreciate? What makes me open my heart?

Somedays, gratitude flows through me like a creek in the spring thaw, so much gratitude that I wonder how it is possible. But somedays, it’s a little less, like it can be challenging to find one thing. i found a couple things that really help me with this. One, I have chosen to make it public by posting on facebook. It keeps me on it. The second are my go-tos for when I am feeling clenchy.

The weather is always a good one for me. I decided years ago that I would stop bitching about the weather, and find things to like about it instead. This proved to be a really smart thing. We can’t do anything about the weather. I can rail against it, or I can accept it. How life-like. By learning to appreciate the weather regardless of how it is, I learn to appreciate life, however it goes. Neat.

Loved ones are another good one for me. Even if I am feeling crabby about one, or even more than one, person, there are always a lot of other people I love for whom I can feel appreciation. Sometimes I may appreciate their absence. Heh. That’s okay.

The things I consume are also a good one, from food and drink, to books, movies, TV shows, games. Sometimes I want a break from what I am doing. Or I want to make a shift in the way my day has been. Entertainment is one way I do that. I also make sure I have delicious, wholesome food and drink in my house that I really enjoy. I can appreciate a tasty bite.

The movement activities I enjoy every day. I love my qigong practice, it’s ridiculously fun and easy. I love my yoga activities, I love to walk, to dance, to just stretch. I do at least some of these pretty much every day, and always feel good for it. That makes it easy for me to appreciate them, and appreciate how they make me feel.

The contemplative activities I do each day, writing to you, meditating.

So now I have a nice list of thing to appreciate each day, and when I get one of those days where I feel stuck, or annoyed, or blue, I have a way to get started, and I know from experience that writing my list will make me feel better, it will loosen up a bad feeling so I can shift it into something else.

How have I changed from feeling entitled and clenched to soft and open gratitude?

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Reframing Difficult People

My fingertips must be sticky or something; I got two cards again today. Why am I grateful? Why do I like people?

Do those go hand in hand for you? Do you have people you like? People you appreciate?

I’ve got basically three kinds of people in my life. The ones I don’t know, or barely know. The ones I don’t like, and the ones I do like.

It used to be that I just didn’t like someone, end of story. This was so limiting. Kind of like the difference between making a statement and asking a Creative Question: there’s no room to grow. But when I move beyond this, things change and change. It’s remarkable.

Because I am a person, I will have to deal with difficult people from time to time. I have started thinking of them as my best teachers because when I calm down, and stop blaming them for how I feel, I learn a ton of good stuff from them, mostly about me, my shortcomings, and limited thinking. Sometimes looking at that stuff is challenging, but it’s always been worth it to me in the long run.

I have had a number of best teachers in my life. Over the years, I’ve found some tools and tips that have really helped me accept their presence in my life. I will share them with you because you know I love to do that!

Why do I like people? How do I choose? What makes me powerful? Why am I compassionate?

That’s the first place I go to. How can I feel compassion for this person? We all deserve compassion, so it’s not about them, it’s about me getting there on that person’s behalf. Sometimes, I am so resentful that I don’t want to let it go. I like that bitter, righteous feeling. Except that I really don’t for very long. Practicing going to compassion will start shifting my relationship with that best teacher.

Next, I found out that I need to find something to respect my challenging person for. Something real, not smarty-pants like, “I respect how annoying so and so is.” More like, “I respect so and so’s achievements.” When I start thinking about my challenging person with curiosity, looking for something to respect, and from a place of compassion, things start to change.

Now, since unchoosing victim is a big one for me, most of my best teachers offer me opportunities to do that. Your best teachers may well offer you different lessons. You can always tell who your best teachers are because they bug you the most. You can also tell what your big lesson is because it comes up again and again.

For me,I also need to remember that, regardless of how they treat me, I will only feel abused if I choose to feel that way. I can choose to feel strong, capable, competent. I am not a victim, I choose to be a grownup.

Now I am well-equipped to have a different kind of interaction with you. Before I see you, I choose to be a grownup, I feel compassion and respect, and approach the interaction with curiosity. Things can change instantly.

How have I changed from thinking they suck to valuing and respecting them as best teachers?

Who is your best teacher these days? Have you figured out your lesson?

If you have found something worthwhile here, please interact with the page by +1 or share.

How do you feel when you make a contribution?

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

Trumping the Grumps

Gratitude, shmatitude. Why are you always going on and on about gratitude anyway, especially when you are always talking about how we deserve good stuff? Why should I feel gratitude about getting what I should be getting?

Gratitude is kind of like cleaning up your house. When our house is clean, everything seems a little easier, a little more comfortable.When we spend time feeling grateful and appreciative, the world is a little nicer, our lives are a bit brighter.

When I am focused on feeling grateful, I am not whining. I can’t feel grateful and complain at the same time. For example, when I am irritated at the birds outside my window for waking me up at 4 am, I can go to grateful that I can hear, that I live where there are birds to sing. That I have a window and a bed. That totally trumps the grumps.

When I am focused on feeling appreciative, I am not a victim or a martyr. I’m not angry or scared. I am not trying to live in the past or in the future. I am present, I am blessed. And from that place, it’s just a hop, skip and jump to my natural life.

Why am I grateful? What makes me enjoy? Why am I satisfied?

When I am feeling grateful, I am choosing to appreciate my life as it is, not as I think it should be. I may have issues, we all do, and they may be intense, but I can still give myself a gratitude break.

I have set myself the goal of writing out some appreciations first thing every morning, while I drink my first cup of hot whatever. Some mornings, I have to make myself stop writing because I could go on forever because I feel so full of appreciation and love for my life, my surroundings, my loved ones. Some mornings I have to think a bit, but like priming a pump, which I’ve actually done several times, once I find something, more things flow forth.

Some mornings, finding something to appreciate, to be grateful for, feels like looking for the last dodo. I am crabby or sad or blue, and my life is devoid of anything that could ever bring me joy again. (Not that I EVER get dramatic about stuff.)

Here’s what happens. Because I have made a commitment to write out appreciations every day, I need to find some damn thing to write down. I remember that when I am not feeling crappy, I have easily found stuff to be grateful for, and that my feeling of there being nothing is a lie. It may piss me off, but at least it reminds me that everything I’m feeling isn’t true, doesn’t need to be aired and shared, and some feelings do best to be let go.

When I just need to get started, I have tried looking back at my old entries, but if I’m not feeling it, they all look dumb. I bet you know where I go next. Yeah. Creative Questions.

How do I feel when I appreciate? How do I feel when I am grateful? What makes me feel blessed? These feelings open my heart. When my heart is open, I live my life better, at a higher vibration, with more compassion, more generosity, more joy.

You gotta like that.

How have I changed from grumbling about it to enjoying my gratitude?

What do you appreciate right at this moment? How do you feel blessed?

If you've found something to like here, please interact with us by +1 or sharing. Thanks. How do you feel when you are appreciated?

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The Gratitude Attitude

Why do I go on and on about gratitude? Do you have an idea? Or have you experienced it for yourself?

Gratitude is like the Windex of emotions.

When I am feeling resentful, or judged, when I am feeling sorry for myself, or short-changed, annoyed, anxious, or doomed, really going to grateful is like hitting a reset button.

It’s one of the reasons I like to start my day with my list of appreciations, which I write even before coffee. It sets the tone of my day.

On the one hand, I can look at my life and see all the places that need work, all the things I *should* be doing, ways I could be a better person, the places I feel stuck, blah blah blah. Nobody can bring me down quite like I can.

On the other hand, no matter how crappy my life seems, I know there are a lot of people who would give their right arm for my life.

Gratitude. Why am I grateful? Why do I see the good? How do I find the value? What makes me notice the gift?

One of my goals is to live my natural life most of the time. That means feeling peaceful, blissful, contented, satisfied, soul-happy, prosperous, generous, creative, productive, loving and loved, supportive and supported, connected, engaged, and a host of other nice adjectives. When I go to gratitude, it often takes me to my natural life, my core self.

When I remember that the world is here for me to do with as I will, to take for good or ill, to see as a haven, or hell, I get to choose, and frankly, I make way better choices when I am grateful.

I believe that I am here, among other reasons, to learn some very specific, personal lessons. I believe that the crappy things that happen in my life are often opportunities for me to learn those lessons. I believe that because I would rather think that there is a point to the crap that happens in my life.

Otherwise it just sucks.

When I feel grateful, I look for the silver linings. I look for the lesson. I look for the way through. And I find them. Maybe I just make ‘em up, but I’ll take it.

I mean, I like a good pity-party as much as the next guy, but like drunken bacchanals, they tend to get pretty tedious after the first eight minutes or so.

My point is that going to this-is-how-my-life-rocks instead of this-is-how-my-life-sucks creates more awesomeness. Rehearsing self-pity makes more stuff to feel awful about. Law of Attraction 101.

How have I changed from rehearsing the crap to practicing gratitude?

What are you grateful for this very moment? What is something you really value, and take for granted? What is something you love about yourself? If you like what you find here, please interact with the page by + or share.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Practicing Appreciating

If you want to make a big change in your life quickly and pretty easily, start a Gratitude Practice, or Appreciations Practice.

It’s very simple. All you do is take a little bit of time to write down a few things, three minimum, you have appreciated or are grateful for in the last 24 hours, and share them.

I will let you in on a secret, cuz that’s what I do. I used to think there wasn’t anything I could do everyday that wasn’t part of my autonomic nervous system, or digestion. Turned out, I was wrong. Turned out you make the difference. When I choose to report to you, so to speak, that I have done my task, I am way more likely to do it.

Why do I choose a daily practice? What makes me take me seriously? How do I feel when I feel worth it?

I like to use social media for my sharing purposes. You can share with a live person, or by email or phone, too. The point is to make it an every single day thing. This is important for at least a couple reasons.

Reason One: Feeling gratitude and appreciation for stuff in our lives brings us closer to living our natural lives, and happiness. A primary component of soul-happiness is appreciation.

Reason Two: Having a daily practice we are committed to helps us remember to make the tiny choices we want to make every day. When I decided to stop using alcohol and drugs, I did that every day, sometimes more than once a day. I choose happy every day. It may take me a chunk of the day to get there, but it is very rare that I don’t spend at least some of everyday happy. (How wonderful to realize that!)

There will be exceptions because stuff happens. Sometimes I have connectivity issues with my Chromebook and can’t get to a wifi place; doesn’t happen very often. Once, I was too sick to sit up for a couple days, so I didn’t write. From time to time, I get interrupted, and so things get delayed. But, my intention is to do it, so I get back to it as fast as I can.

How do I own my power? Why am I responsible for me? How do I feel when I am competent?

When I start my day appreciating, I kind of set myself up to look for stuff to appreciate. I am in the habit now, and so I find that I will take note of things I might have missed. I am more aware of unexpected beauty, the unexpected gift in a sticky situation, the surprise blessing. And I find that thinking about that which I found of value in my day before I go to sleep helps me sleep much better than when I would rehearse why my day sucked.

I even look at the crappy things that happen and find gifts. Sometimes, it’s the opportunity to practice patience or humility, or compassion, or non-attachment. Sometimes, it’s the opportunity to be creative, or to deeply experience an emotion, or to engage with someone in a new way.

I like Greek Philosophy and have found some really valuable stuff there. Look at your life and who you are. Learn about yourself. Rehearse scenarios in your head. (I like to add that I need to rehearse them in such a way that I stay calm and centered. I like to vary them, so I am flexible. I also look for the best outcomes.) Hot and cold are relative. A lot of things are dependent on our point of view. (Plato, Aristotle, and Democratus, if you were wondering.)

How have I changed from taking for granted to appreciating my wonderful life?

If you found something of value, interesting or annoying, please + or share. How do I feel when I feel appreciated?

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Break Me Off a Piece of That Gratitude

Some time back I started a little practice first thing in the morning, namely, writing out appreciations from the previous day. Taking a few minutes to look for the good in the day before has proved to be an interesting and valuable exercise. On the one hand, I have had some very interesting days, shall we say, and yet, on the other hand, I have always found things that I appreciate, shimmering pools of gratitude, no matter how challenging the day has been.

I’ve been curious to notice that the days when I am really sluggish about finding jewels in the previous day have little to do with the quality of the day. Rather, it has to do with waking up feeling pissy, or glum, or some other thought-driven mood.

Because I have made the commitment to write out that daily list, which I publish on facebook, I make myself go looking. Often, just that little effort will pull me out from the doldrums.

When it doesn’t, I look for the thoughts. Sometimes I can find them pretty easily, but sometimes those pesky thoughts are unconscious. Then I have to put on my Sherlock hat and grab a lamp and go looking deep inside.

One of the things I’ve learned is that a bad dream can put me in a bad mood. Even one I don’t remember. Oy. Talk about thoughts becoming things. Cheery music, moving around, like a walk, or dancing a bit, even just flapping my arms around, can help bust that up. Especially when I add in a liberal dollop of Creative Questions.

Why would I choose to lighten up? How could I feel glad? How do I feel when I feel sunny?

When I take time to appreciate the blessings and bounty in my life, when I notice my gratitude, and let myself feel it, I feel good. I feel satisfied and usually I feel more connected to you. My life seems nicer, I feel replete.

I lived with a little cat who was so busy begging for attention that she never noticed when she got it, poor little punkin. I could have her all cuddled up in my arms, and she would still be pawing at my face.

Feeling grateful helps us slow down enough to notice what is going on with us, so we can notice that we are getting what we are asking for, and change what we are asking for if it’s not what we actually want. You might wanna read that again. It’s tricky.

When we slow down a bit, we have room to remember to relax. When we relax we move in closer to our natural lives; easy, satisfying, joyful, creative. Feeling grateful is almost automatic, and the more we find to be grateful for, the more opportunities we have to be grateful.

As we get more proficient in our gratitude practice, we may notice that we find things of value in our challenges. We may notice that a situation is actually a pattern we’ve been playing out for ages. We may realize that in that situation we believe something bad or wrong about ourselves, and can change it. Now that’s something to be grateful for. Or we may notice that we are stronger or smarter than we thought we were. Sometimes, we may find that we’ve been spending time or energy on something that doesn’t even need to be done, or that there is something we haven’t done that would make a nice difference for us.

How have I changed from flying through my life to taking a daily gratitude break?

Friday, December 06, 2013

Aw, Grow Up!

Wah wah wah. I’m cold, I’m hot, I’m bored, I’m hungry. I’m too full. I don’t like this. I don’t like that. You are mean to me. I don’t have enough. I don’t want to do that. Wah wah wah.

Whining and whinging, moaning and groaning. Nothing is right, nothing is good enough, nothing satisfies.

Last night, I got home a little after 10 PM. I sat in my nice, warm car for a bit checking messages, it was 0F/-18C at the time, and in that time, the owner of the SUV next to me returned. He beeped the car, opened the door, paused, closed the door and got on his phone.

As I stepped out of my car, he was just finishing his call and I asked if everything was okay. Someone had broken the passenger window, and taken his backpack that was sitting on the seat, with his laptop in it.

We chatted for a while, and then he said, “Well, look. That’s nice, they left my hat. I think I’ll put that on while I’m waiting.” I told him I hoped the rest of his year would make up for the event, and he said, “It’s just a broken window and a stolen laptop. If that’s the worst thing that happened this year, it will be a pretty good year.”

I was so taken by his attitude. Bitter cold, broken window, 10:30 on a work night, waiting for the cops, and then AAA, or whomever, and his comment was, “If that’s the worst thing that happened this year, it will be a pretty good year.”

Warmed me right up.

Bitching and whining are easy. That’s baby talk. I want to be a grown up. Grown ups see the upside. Grown ups may complain from time to time, but they also find solutions.

Being miserable is easy. That’s our factory setting. I want to be a grown up. Grown ups choose to be happy.

Not liking, not wanting, not engaging, that’s at the dark end of the scale. I want to be a grown up on the light end of the scale. Grown ups find ways to allow things to be as they are, know what they want, and engage and connect with what they are doing, whom they are with.

Wanting more random stuff, feeling entitled, mine mine me! That’s toddler behavior. I want to be a grown up. Grown up recognized their plenty, and appreciate the fullness of their life.

Reacting to stuff, freaking out, worrying, well, I think you see where I am coming from.

When I decide to grow up, I am deciding, in a very practical sense, to live the nicest life I can manage. (When I start feeling sorry for myself, I often find myself thinking of the incarcerated Tibetan Buddhist monks who manage to stay positive in horrible circumstances, which almost instantly reconnects me with the awareness of how rich and glorious my life is, what a dazzling amount of luxury I’ve created for myself, and that all of that is outer trappings. Until I choose to be a grown up, I am in a prison of my own thoughts and attitudes.

Why do I choose to grown up?

Getcher own deck: www.tinyurl.com/AmazonCQcards 20% sale through Dec 22nd.

Tuesday, October 01, 2013

The Crabby and Grouchy Show

I woke up on the crabby side of the bed today. No reason. Maybe a dream just before I woke up. Crabby.

It hardly ever happens anymore, waking up crabby. Months can go by.

This morning two cards hopped out from the deck, the gratitude card and the genuine card. What a nice way to think about being crabby.

Because I am responsible for my feelings, I don’t pretend I’m not crabby when I am. But I also use two of the funniest sounding words in English to describe it, crabby and grouchy. And I say them to emphasize the silliness of them. I remember that, because I am a resourceful grown up, I can change my feelings as easily as changing my socks.

(And now I am thinking about making sock puppets and calling them Crabby and Grouchy and doing a show. Those words do make it more difficult for me to stay crabby and grouchy.)

I am grateful to all the teachers I’ve had who’ve helped me learn how to change my feelings.

I am grateful to all the teachers I’ve had who’ve shown me the value of my emotions and feelings.

I am grateful to all the teachers I’ve had who give me their respect as I worked my way through.

When we allow ourselves to be ourselves, stuff gets way easier. We stop spending time trying to second guess the other person, and we say what we mean. We go inside for approval that counts highly, and enjoy approval from outside. We are able to ask clearly for help, and accept it graciously when offered.

Easy. Simple. Enjoyable. Why is it all so easy? Why is it all truly simple? Why do I enjoy?

If I’m not worrying about the future, I don’t need to try to control the present. If I’m not worrying about you, I don’t need to try to control you. If I’m not guilty about the past I don’t need to put a spin on it. What a relief.

If I experience my emotions, they flow through me like water. When I stop intellectualizing, my thoughts flow, too. I can play with my creative mind more, more enjoyment, more light, more freedom.

When I am myself, I can relax. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone, I can do the things I need to, and want to, I can decide about the “shoulds.” I mind my business, and take care of my well-being, but I make peace, safe space for you to take care of yours. I treat me and you respectfully, and I can play.

When I am myself, I can sleep peacefully. I can stand on my own two feet, I have good people to back me up. I don’t have to stick my neck out, I can keep my chin up.

And when I wake up crabby, I know that, for a couple hours, I will enjoy the heck out of it.

How have I changed from trying to be someone special, to knowing I already am?