From Shame to Grace

From Shame to Grace

What about the whole idea of grace? What do you think about grace?

Me, I like it. Now, my version is kinda cobbled together, but I find it comfortable, and something I can’t quite put my finger on that feels really nice.

It boils down to this: I like to believe that the universe is not just benign, but benevolent, and that it gives freely to me what I’m asking for without me incurring universal debt. Plus, I add in the other definition of grace: elegance and poise, and the elegant part adds in streamlined, clean, and efficient in the best way.

When I remember to ask myself, “How do I feel when I am full of grace?” I feel really good. I feel clear, and competent. I feel like a most excellent version of me.

Why am I innocent? What makes me choose grace? How do I feel pure?

I have the idea that the opposite of grace is shame. One reason I think that is because, the same way we don’t to do anything to feel filled with grace, we don’t have to do anything to feel filled with shame.

Shame is interesting in that way. The feeling itself implies that we have done something bad, even if we haven’t. Shyness, discouragement, feeling inferior, holding dark secrets, embarrassment, self-consciousness; these are all things we might feel shameful about.

Sometimes, when we are forming our opinions about ourselves, an adult does something bad to us, and another adult turns away, dismissing the event, or minimizing our hurt, or even ignoring it altogether. What we get from that is that our stuff doesn’t count.

What it boils down to is that we feel defective, fatally flawed, damaged goods. When we feel guilty, the feeling is that we have done something wrong. Shame is the feeling that we are wrong. How heartbreaking is that. You know, the “What the hell’s the matter with you?” thing.

Why am I good enough? How do I know I am okay? What makes me perfect?

If I recognize that feeling in me, that I am garbage, I can change it. I can start to notice when others are shaming me, for whatever issues they have, poor things, and not let it in. At least as powerful, if not a lot more so, I can start noticing when I am shaming myself.

Noticing when I shame myself, stopping, apologizing to me, and changing the feeling with a good Creative Question can transform that experience instantly. When we have learned to be shameful, we think nothing of being cruel to ourselves, and then we are often treating others poorly, too.

As we shift this excessive shame out, we are treating ourselves with kindness, with respect, with love. The more we do that, the less we feel worthless, the easier it is to pass our time in grace.

Over and over, we find that we need to notice ourselves, notice what we are doing, with compassion and an open heart, and gently and kindly shift it from being horrible to ourselves to being kind. Add relaxing to that, and we are living our natural life, where being kind is natural, compassion flows, and we walk in grace.

How have I changed from foundering in shame to walking in grace?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 05072014

How do you experience grace?

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Deflating Abuse

Deflating Abuse

One of my teachers used to say, “If you are feeling fat, ugly, and/or stupid, someone is abusing you.” It might be someone out there, it might be our own selves, but there is abuse there, and we are buying into it.

There are elements to that feeling, that fat-ugly-stupid feeling that go beyond the obvious. The big one is that I’ve decided you can make me feel something. I may have decided that a very long time ago. Maybe that’s some we all mislearn, and then have to unlearn, but there you go.

Fundament one -- I decide how I feel. Why do I trust my emotions? Why can I choose?

Fundament two -- I choose the present moment. Why am I aware? What makes me mindful?

Fundament three -- In this moment, I am perfection. How do I know I am a manifestation of the divine?

Ok, those are three big’uns. Let’s get in a little deeper. We’ve been talking about this a lot lately, how I decide how I feel. My feelings come from my thoughts, and, while I can’t control what thoughts flow through my mind, I can control what thoughts I will think on. In order to do that, I need to be aware of myself, my space and placement in the world, my thoughts, my beliefs, my emotions and feelings, and that is huge. What makes me mindful? Why am I aware?

I choose the present moment. That is the closest thing to real that we get. When I am worrying, I am living in the future. When I feel depressed, I’m living in the past. Over-simplified, but the point is that our purpose in life is to be happy. That means, I need to clean up my crap. When I choose to be present, I can stay afloat. It’s the worry and fear, the blame and guilt, anger and grief that weigh me down. In the 12 step programs, they talk about acting as if, as if we are happy, as if we feel secure, as if we are confident. The trick is, to be working on that while we are acting as if, and Creative Questions will go a long way to helping with that.

Why am I happy? Why do I feel secure? What makes me confident?

In this moment, I am perfect. I am the perfect manifestation of me right now. This doesn’t mean I don’t have plans and goals. I need plans and goals to shape my choices. We are all in process. When I don’t make plans or set goals for myself, I am sort of aimlessly drifting. The opposite of setting goals is complaining, feeling sorry for ourselves.

Sometimes I feel like I have the right, I am entitled, to feel crappy, like the toddler who enjoys throwing a tantrum to the point where the reason for it is lost. When I feel like that, sometimes it’s good for me to wallow in it for a while. Savor feeling rotten, in whatever guise it might be in. It often is a kind of pity party, where somehow I am feeling sorry for myself. What I’ve discovered is that, when I really give in to it, I’m only good for about 15 minutes before I get sick of it and want to go back to feeling good.

When I decide you can’t make me feel stuff, that I am not in competition, that my life is for me to live, a lot of nice things happen, including me feeling more attractive, more lovable, more desirable. I own my power, my wisdom, my creativity. I love for the sake of love, and keep my love for you and me in balance. I take care of me easily, and of you willingly.

How have I changed from feeling unlovable to feeling like a manifestation of divine purpose and being?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 03252014

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