Righty-Oh!

Righty-Oh!

Back in the day I felt pretty inconsequential. Invisible in certain circumstances, even. I mentioned that to some friends at lunch one day, that I could go invisible. They naturally pooh-poohed the idea, so invisible I went. I stayed that way for about 20 minutes and the look on their faces when I “reappeared” was priceless. It was a skill I learned to avoid abuse. I have met a number of people who know how to do this. It’s usually a response to abuse. I don’t know if I can still do it.

For many years, and a lot of bad stuff, I felt wrong. On some level, I believed that my adults were right and that abusing me was their privilege. I had to learn to roll with it, so to speak. I learned to forget and forget I forgot. I learned to disassociate, and, depending on how bad it was, I could get out of my body several layers. I believed that everyone lived in fear like me. And I believed that I was fundamentally bad and wrong.

Why am I right? What makes me trust my instincts?  How do I know I am good?

I felt perpetually guilty, ashamed, terrified, helpless, and, oddly, put upon. I was mostly really depressed and spent a lot of time wishing that I had never been born.

As I chose to grow up, I started to lose that sense of being bad and wrong. I began to find a feeling of being right deep inside, and with it, I started to understand consequences.

My poor adults didn’t understand that they had choices. They were ensconced in misery, feeling desperate and helpless and took it out on those who were weaker. Poor little adults.

The more I worked through my feelings of resentment and fear, of rage and guilt and shame, the more compassion I found for my abusive adults. And the less I felt abused. The more I cleaned out my toxic feelings and thoughts, the easier it was to forgive. I began to understand that “victim” was a choice.

I began to see that I made a difference in the world just by being. I began to understand that my words were heard, my actions seen, my energy responded to by all sorts of people. I could see that I had an impact and I started to experience some wonderful consequences.

I began to understand that I was not bad and wrong, I was right. I could see that while my poor abusive adults seemed to think that they were right, many of them also felt bad and wrong. It’s so challenging to make changes when we feel like we are bad people who make bad decisions. This is a good time to get outside help.

When I feel right I feel peaceful and relaxed. I feel open to new ideas and open to the diversity of our opinions. I am clear on the notion that neither you nor I are our behavior. I can model for you ways of behaving that yield better consequences. By telling my story, what it was like, and how I changed it, I can often inspire you to try new ways to think, new beliefs that are supportive of the lives we want to live. In other words, I don’t need to proselytize or lecture or try to pound my ideas into you. I can, instead, create a safe space for you to find your way, as I have found mine. When I feel right, I can understand that what works for me may not work for you, and trust that you will choose to take care of yourself in your best ways. I can choose to believe in the power of your good heart.

How have I changed from living in negative consequences to enjoying the positive consequences of feeling right?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 05232015

Deflating Abuse

Deflating Abuse

One of my teachers used to say, “If you are feeling fat, ugly, and/or stupid, someone is abusing you.” It might be someone out there, it might be our own selves, but there is abuse there, and we are buying into it.

There are elements to that feeling, that fat-ugly-stupid feeling that go beyond the obvious. The big one is that I’ve decided you can make me feel something. I may have decided that a very long time ago. Maybe that’s some we all mislearn, and then have to unlearn, but there you go.

Fundament one -- I decide how I feel. Why do I trust my emotions? Why can I choose?

Fundament two -- I choose the present moment. Why am I aware? What makes me mindful?

Fundament three -- In this moment, I am perfection. How do I know I am a manifestation of the divine?

Ok, those are three big’uns. Let’s get in a little deeper. We’ve been talking about this a lot lately, how I decide how I feel. My feelings come from my thoughts, and, while I can’t control what thoughts flow through my mind, I can control what thoughts I will think on. In order to do that, I need to be aware of myself, my space and placement in the world, my thoughts, my beliefs, my emotions and feelings, and that is huge. What makes me mindful? Why am I aware?

I choose the present moment. That is the closest thing to real that we get. When I am worrying, I am living in the future. When I feel depressed, I’m living in the past. Over-simplified, but the point is that our purpose in life is to be happy. That means, I need to clean up my crap. When I choose to be present, I can stay afloat. It’s the worry and fear, the blame and guilt, anger and grief that weigh me down. In the 12 step programs, they talk about acting as if, as if we are happy, as if we feel secure, as if we are confident. The trick is, to be working on that while we are acting as if, and Creative Questions will go a long way to helping with that.

Why am I happy? Why do I feel secure? What makes me confident?

In this moment, I am perfect. I am the perfect manifestation of me right now. This doesn’t mean I don’t have plans and goals. I need plans and goals to shape my choices. We are all in process. When I don’t make plans or set goals for myself, I am sort of aimlessly drifting. The opposite of setting goals is complaining, feeling sorry for ourselves.

Sometimes I feel like I have the right, I am entitled, to feel crappy, like the toddler who enjoys throwing a tantrum to the point where the reason for it is lost. When I feel like that, sometimes it’s good for me to wallow in it for a while. Savor feeling rotten, in whatever guise it might be in. It often is a kind of pity party, where somehow I am feeling sorry for myself. What I’ve discovered is that, when I really give in to it, I’m only good for about 15 minutes before I get sick of it and want to go back to feeling good.

When I decide you can’t make me feel stuff, that I am not in competition, that my life is for me to live, a lot of nice things happen, including me feeling more attractive, more lovable, more desirable. I own my power, my wisdom, my creativity. I love for the sake of love, and keep my love for you and me in balance. I take care of me easily, and of you willingly.

How have I changed from feeling unlovable to feeling like a manifestation of divine purpose and being?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 03252014

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Living Hard to Living Easy

Living Hard to Living Easy

“Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” I love that saying. I like it even better when I remember it appropriately.

One of my favorite goals is for easy. Easy, effortless, smooth. I have times like this, many more than I used to. I imagine that I will continue to have more and more.

One of the ways I have easy is by remembering that your topics, generally speaking, are not my topics. Sure wasn’t the case back when. Back when, I made your stuff waaay more important than mine, or me. I believed that I was responsible for your happiness, your comfort, and the fact that you were so unhappy was all my fault. I thought your bad behavior was my fault. Everything was my fault.

I’m serious. I know it sounds nuts, but that’s what I thought. And I wondered, way deep down, why you didn’t feel like that about me. I thought that was love.

I would wake up in the middle of the night worried about you. I could get so overwrought about your well-being that I would cry for ages. I thought that was love.

I would drop everything if I thought you might need me. Being needed was hugely important to me, all my self-esteem sat there. I mixed up being needed and being loved.

I believed that you would stop abusing me when X happened. That X changed a lot depending on how things were going. I believed that if I held you blameless enough, if I treated you well enough, If I forgave you enough, you would stop. I thought that was love.

That was not easy. It was also a great big pile of mislearning. The nice thing is that we can walk away from  a great big pile of mislearning like that and it will eventually fade away. I will also tell you that I got a lot of help unchoosing that mislearning.

Why can I relax? What makes things go my way? Why is it just so easy? How is my life effortless?

When I understand that I am responsible for me, and to you, things get easy. When I understand that I cannot make you do anything, and you cannot make me do anything, things get easy. When I understand that I filter my world based on my beliefs, and that I can change my beliefs, things get easy.

Back when, I had people say, “Wow, you sure live hard.” I thought it was a compliment. Now, I like easy. Easy is fundamental to our natural lives, right along with relaxed, peaceful, satisfied, content, blissful, creative, and connected. Easy is inside me. Easy is inside you, too. It’s just all covered up with old beliefs, outdated notions, expired ideas, that need to be cleaned up.

Why can I let go? What makes me surrender? Why do I trust life?

As I choose to become a grownup, I choose to let go of all that old, useless stuff. I choose to take responsibility for my own well being, and be responsible to you. I choose to let go of worrying about how stuff will turn out, and trust that I will manage well. I choose to relax. I choose to go to peace. I choose easy.

How have I changed from choosing hard to choosing easy?

The Danger of Expectations

The Danger of Expectations

Expectations. Wow. What a great big pile of mess we can make for ourselves with expectations.

Sometimes we call our expectations hope, and look to the future with bright, shiny faces.

Sometimes we call our expectations dread, and look to the future with pale, drawn faces.

We are so darn creative!

As a dear friend says, “You can’t disappoint me, only my expectations of you can disappoint me.” Perhaps that is a subtle distinction. On the other hand, perhaps it is glaring. I tend to go with glaring on this one.

It ties in with the old saw about nobody can make you feel anything. I used to think it was a load of horse hockey, and then I set aside my jerking-knee reaction, and really looked at it.

I know you can see where I’m headed with this. Why do I choose?

I can’t change you. I can change my expectations of you. When I change my expectations of you, our relationship shifts.

That’s where the magic happens.

When I change my expectations, when I change my behavior, we are in a different relationship. Sometimes, you decide you can’t handle it, and you leave. More often than not, you will shift with me, and we have a new relationship, often one we both like so much more.

Imagine this:  We fight the same three arguments over and over. I see that it is a habit with us, and so, when we start playing Fight No. 2, I don’t. Perhaps I say something like, “This is a bad habit with us, and I love you too much to want to put this bad energy between us.” There are a thousand ways to diffuse.

You can’t make me feel anything, unless we collude. I’m not talking about sensations. You can “make me” feel sensations.

If I am feeling abused by you, I am, on some level choosing that. I know we don’t like to hear it, but there you go. I choose it because it is familiar. I choose it because it meshes with my childhood experiences.

I can unchoose feeling abused. Now, I’m not talking about physical abuse or physical neglect. If these things are happening to you, go get help right this minute.

Feeling abused is a habit, one that many of us learn when we are very young. It’s not truth, it is collusion between us to prove that I’m less than even though I’m not.

I can unchoose feeling abused. When I choose to support myself, when I choose to feel good enough, when I choose self-esteem, your words won’t hurt me because your hurtful words don’t have a way in.

How have I changed from feeling abused to feeling good about me?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11062013