Trashing the Zingers

Trashing the Zingers

A talent I have developed over the years that has made my life a lot nicer is the ability to keep my mouth shut.

That may sound weird coming from someone who loves to talk, but I used to say a lot of stuff I regretted. I learned as a young one to use sarcasm as a weapon and could flay meat with my words. If I could come up with something nasty and clever, out the words came, outcome be damned.

Teaching me to hold my tongue took a long time, but I really wanted it. My overarching goal was to be happy, and that meant that I had to stop seeking out your weaknesses and soft spots and going for them.

Why am I positive? What makes me choose? Why am I kind?

In the olden days I spent a lot of time with people who valued my nasty humor, and praised me for it, at least when I used it on other people. I was so used to the spew that I often wasn’t even aware that I did it. So I had to learn to hear what I said, and then I had to learn to hear what I was gonna say. And then I had to learn to shut it.

Why am I aware? How do I know I matter? What makes me decide?

One of the reasons it was so easy for me to just say rotten stuff was that I didn’t think it counted for anything. I didn’t have any sense of having an impact on you. I apologize for that.

As I came to see that I did have an impact, not just on the people I spent a lot of time with, but also on the people I might have one moment of contact with, and was able to remember fast enough that I wanted to feel good about me at the end of the day, I began to practice being quiet instead of sniping. I would spend a moment thinking about the customer service person being on my side instead of being the representative of Evil Incarnate when I had a problem that required their help. I started thinking about how you might be acting out a bit because you had something challenging going on that I knew nothing about, and would hold back my mean cracks.

How am I compassionate? Why do I care? Why do I like people?

As I gave up that habit, and replaced it with nice stuff, something wonderful started to happen. I began to receive nice surprises. Things would go my way. The customer service person would go out of her way to help me, sometimes even giving me a special treat, “I don’t usually do this for people, but...” Strangers would smile at me. Not creepy strangers, nice strangers. I found myself blurting out compliments to random people, and getting smiles back. I found myself asking how you were and wanting to hear the real answer. And you would often do the same for me.

Choosing to be positive meant that I had to give up some stuff. I don’t tend to make sacrifices, rather I weigh my options, remember what I want, and choose what seems like it will take me in that direction. Giving up my rapier wit was a process, and I still have to confront it from time to time, but, like so much of what I talk about here, it was worth it.

How have I changed from pride in my snide to choosing to be kind?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 08072014

Adding My Light

Adding My Light

What a difference you make. Just showing up. You have such an impact on so many people, do you even know that? I love to ask you from time to time just to remind you that you are being seen. People notice the little sweet things you do. even if they don’t say.

Did I tell you that one of the habits I have instilled in me is blurting out compliments?

I love doing that.

One reason I love to do it is that we all mostly like a spontaneous compliment. It’s fun to have a stranger say, “Cute shoes!” or “That was so kind of you” or “I saw you help that person.”

It has also put me on the look out for people doing nice things for each other, especially young people. I wonder if you notice those during your day.

I’m not even talking about normal things like holding the door for someone. It can be astonishing to see.

People taking a few minutes to have a conversation with the panhandler on the sidewalk.

People helping someone ladened down with heavy boxes.

People buying ahead in coffee shops.

People expressing appreciation for little things that people do, beyond a conventional thank you.

What are your favorite ways to help people?

I like to do what I like to have happen. So I will tuck quarters around the public hallways at my day job, since I think it’s fun to find money. Sometimes I even get to see a person spot one. The value of a quarter is considerable when it is found money.

I like to feel like my efforts are appreciated, so I like to voice my appreciation to the person, to their boss, and to write little thank you notes.

I like to ask questions of the clerks who wait on me, and then pay attention to their answers. So often, the job they are doing is a Clark Kent job, that their passion is music or acting or they are in business school.  

Sometimes they tell you a very tender personal thing, and then they get to have a stranger care.

Sometimes the stuff they tell me is kind of creepy.

Sometimes they ignore me. Oh, well.

Little interactions like this serve, among other things, to remind us that we live together. That we need each other, and can help make each other’s lives a little nicer or a little colder. That we each have our own ways of coping with the flow of life.

Little interactions with strangers we encounter in normal situations reminds us that we each are naturally important to each other for so many reasons. That a simple gesture of kindness or compassion can be a highpoint in someone’s day.

How have I changed from spewing negativity to bringing a little light to the world?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 10262013