Reflections on People

Reflections on People

One of the most wonderful things about this way I choose to live is how my opinion and feelings about people has changed. You guys are nothing at all like I used to think.

Why do I like people? How do I get along? What makes me see the good?

In the dark ages, I thought people were pretty much out for themselves, others be damned. Wrong-o. I thought people were basically cold, hard to get to know, full of deceit, and kind of dangerous. I thought that there were a few good people, but they were the exception. More wrong-o. Turned out, I was projecting me onto you. Ick. Sorry about that.

Turns out, I was projecting me onto you.

I didn’t dare tell you the truth about me because I knew you would hate me if I told you. Projecting. I didn’t dare show you me, so I lied a lot about stuff, I hid my feelings, I pretended to be someone I wasn’t. Not sure I was dangerous, but I sure was off.

What makes me compassionate? How to I connect? What makes me engage?

The way I feel about me is often the way I feel about you. So when I didn’t like me, well, you can see where this is headed.

It’s a curious thing, so much of whether we like or dislike ourselves is based on our attitude, not on facts.

We all pretty much want to live a nice life. Some of us have opened to the universe of resources available to us to help us get there. Some of us have opened our hearts in compassion for what we’ve been through without going to self-pity. Some of us have owned all the effort we have put into living a life we feel good about. Awesome.

We all have stuff and things that we’ve been through and made it to the other side. We have things we’ve done we may not feel proud of, maybe even ashamed. We all have things we wish we could have a do-over on. Everyone does. Because we are grownups, we choose to forgive ourselves for our screw-ups, and make amends where we can. Because we are grownups, we choose to view our former selves with gentle compassion. We’ve identified things about who we are, how we operate that we like, even admire in ourselves. We do something about the things we don’t like.

The amazing magic that happens is, as we do those things, we start to like ourselves. We recognize our own value, our own contributions. And then we find that we can do it with other people, too. We forgive them, especially our childhood adults who, for whatever reasons, messed up with us.

Why do I forgive? How do I open my heart? What makes me care?

As I choose to like me, and choose to like you, more amazing stuff happens. I see the good in you. I can find ways to feel compassion and respect for you, and my world transforms from a sad, dark place, to a place of connection, of mutual compassion, and joy.

How have I changed from hating me and you to feeling compassion and love for our human-ness?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 06202014

Disbanding my Kangaroo Court

Disbanding my Kangaroo Court

Innocent is a lovely feeling. Innocent is a feeling I can totally  take for comfy, satisfied, granted. Guilty, on the other hand is really expensive. Innocent is a part of freedom. Guilty demands that we pacify it over and over and over. And over. What a lot of work for a crappy feeling.

And isn’t it interesting that the crappy feelings take a lot of work in general, and the good feelings don’t take any.

Why do I choose? How do I accept? What makes me decide?

For some of us, the guilt we feel is about things we do. I just had someone fail to flimflam me out of some cash. Poor him. That’s something he may feel guilty about, a bad decision to reconsider, and choose not to repeat. Sometimes we take stuff, or do something intentionally to hurt someone, cheat, or make a big lie. We can assuage our guilt for things like this by owning our behavior, making amends, and changing our behavior.

For others of us, the guilt we feel is about being alive. Existential Guilt is the fancy name. That was my favorite kind. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry” is the motto of Existential Guilt. I developed breathing problems because I worried on a deep level that I was using up other people’s air. Seriously. I did all sorts of weird, overcompensating things to try to justify my existence. Oy.

We need to stop resenting ourselves for the first kinds of guilt. We need to make amends where we can, and apologize, and forgive ourselves. That means, if I have done what I can to clean up the situation, I stop beating myself up, And repeat as needed.

Forgiving ourselves for the second kind is a little weird, but we need to do that, too. We are not forgiving ourselves for being alive, we are forgiving ourselves for feeling bad about being alive. We are forgiving ourselves for all the strange things we did to try to make it up to the world for our existence. We trade out our mislearning for a supportive belief, and then we can let it go, and relax.

And relax. And relax. And relax.

One of my dear friends said that his behavior changed when he realized that he would rather not have to be making amends for his nasty smartypants talk, so he learned to hold his tongue, or say neutral things, or kind things, and not have to apologize. Easy. As we choose to grow up, we find all sorts of examples like this, places where we unchoose our old, painful ways, and replace them with new, elegant, easy, joy-inducing ways.

Why do I choose? What makes me respect myself? How do I feel good about me?

As we release our behavioral guilt, and our existential guilt, we often find that we are making better choices, choices that we feel proud of, rather than guilty. We may find ourselves feeling innocent.

How do I feel when I am innocent? Me, I feel uplifted, and open-hearted, relaxed, cheery, and happy. Innocence is part of my natural life, freedom from a bunch of stuff, ease, simplicity, creativity, peace. Ahhh.

How have I changed from doing stuff I feel guilty about to living in innocence?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04262014

What are some ways you've changed your behavior from guilt-inducing to clean and easy?

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Betrayal, Perfidy, Dishonesty

Betrayal, Perfidy, Dishonesty

I could care less, but I like how much I care now. Or, rather, I like what I care about now.

Didn’t always used to be like that.

Back in the dark ages, I used to worry about everything. One of the things I liked to worry about was what felt like my lack of compassion. What was wrong with me that he was crying and I was unmoved? I felt so much better when I found out that I often don’t feel anything when I’m being emotionally manipulated. Good to know. I’ve saved a lot of money on emotionally manipulative movies, and learned to steer clear of emotionally manipulative people.

Why do I learn from my emotions?

Back in the dark ages, I held on tight to resentments. I would regularly pull out and burnish betrayals. I hung onto hurts. I took it all personally. I even worried that strangers were talking about me. Life was exhausting.

Back in the dark ages, your opinion of me was worth more to me than my opinion of me. In fact, your opinion of me often became my opinion of me. But only if it were poor. Opinions in general were not my strong suit, except for all my negative emotional judgments. I couldn’t tell you my favorite colors (today, magenta) or my favorite foods (today, soup) or my favorite kind of music (today, Cantopop from the 40s and 50s). How do I know what I like?

Oh, dear, life was complicated back in the dark ages.

And then I started to take responsibility for me. And then stuff started to get better. And I felt better. I felt lighter. Life felt easier.

When I rehearse my bad feelings about something someone did to me that I didn’t like, I’m not changing anything for the better, I just hurt me. I stunt my emotional growth, I hold a negative vibe around me, and I make my life harder in general.   

Why would I choose to let go?

When I seek revenge for a perceived wrong, I am perpetuating a set of negative interactions, and sometimes I am escalating that bad scene. If I want to evolve, I have to stop that. And, while I often find revenge movies entertaining, revenge is not a mature or compassionate lifestyle.

Why do I choose to forgive?

By going inside and cleaning out my resentments, I make a big difference in the quality of my days. I have a lot more room for nice feelings, feelings like bliss, or joy, satisfaction, peace, that sort of thing.

By going inside and cleaning out my resentments, I make room in my perceptions for you to grow. If I am stuck, you are going to seem stunted to me, too. But as I mature, as I forgive, and release my old crap, I become willing to see you make progress in your life, too, and our relationship can grow. I like that.

How have I changed from anchoring me to my past with resentments, to letting go and feeling free?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 10252013