Getting Free

Getting Free

We talk about this one from time to time, but I think it is worth remembering, and addressing. The card I pulled is “Why do I forgive?” Oo, powerful. This is a mighty let-go question, good for serious clearing, making serious room for nice things to come into our lives.

There is a lovely practice called Ho’oponopono. In the ultra simplified version we say, “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.” There is a formal practice with it, and trainings are available, and you can just start using the phrases right now.

We all make negative moral judgments about a lot of stuff. We make them about each other, about people we don’t know, about corporations and governments and nations, even about humanity in general.

The ability to make moral judgments is necessary for us to live well. It’s how we structure our code of ethics; this right and this is wrong. Useful for getting on with stuff, staying out of bad trouble, not hurting others for the fun of it.

One way we do make trouble for ourselves is by judging ourselves too harshly. We judge our behavior, our appearance, our intelligence, our habits, our possessions, our home, our circumstances. We find them not meeting our standards, and we punish ourselves, often in ways we would never punish someone else, Often in ways that we are barely aware of. Oh, poor little we.

Why do I forgive? How am I kind to myself? What makes me let go? Why do I trust? Why can I choose?

There is a big difference between blaming ourselves and taking responsibility for our circumstances. We all have circumstances. Sometimes we bring them about, sometimes they just seem to show up. It’s how we cope with them that determines how we feel about them.

I can spend my energy fighting them, hating them, beating myself up for being in them. I can blame, I can “should” myself to pieces, I can keep myself up nights stewing about them. If psychic energy, and physical energy, were dollars, how much would you be spending on all this re-feeling about stuff?

I can grant myself clemency. I can ask myself useful questions. How could this benefit me? What might I want to change? How do I accept my current circumstances, and thrive within them? Why am I strong? How am I competent? What makes me capable? Why am I worthy?

Choosing to forgive myself, to let go, is a power-choice. When I choose to accept my current circumstances as perfect for me at this time I am choosing to be free. Free from my “shoulds” as in I should be doing something else, I should have different circumstances, I should be a different way.

When I wake up stressed or anxious in the middle of the night. I am should-ing. I should have done my taxes/laundry/homework/job-hunt/exercises/project. I can use the Ho’oponopono phrases to myself, as a chant, to forgive me for my shortcomings, my omissions, my mistakes in judgment. I can do a body-scan to get me out of my head, or pay attention to my breathing. I don’t have to feed the bad feelings. I can forgive me.

How have I changed from judging my behavior harshly to freeing myself with forgiveness?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 07272014

The River of Happiness

The River of Happiness

There is something in us that gives us life. When it is not in us, our bodies die. There are a lot of words for it. Life force will do for us for now. We also call it happiness.

Wait, what?

Yes, you heard me, happiness is one way we experience life force. It’s why practicing something like qi gong feels so good as we strengthen our life force.

I am not speaking about the kind of happy we feel when we get something we’ve wanted, or other nice things from outside. I am speaking of that feeling that bubbles up from deep inside us.

Why am I happy? What makes me feel alive? How do I choose my natural life?

In the olden days, I tried to be happy. I tried hard. I didn’t get very far trying. I tried looking at the bright side. I tried counting my blessings. It was work. Eventually I let go.

That was the difference that did it. When I let go, I relaxed. When I relaxed, it was easier to go with the flow. Instead of seeking the good in my life, I noticed it. Way easier. Instead of counting my blessings, I felt grateful and appreciative. Way easier. Instead of trying, I let it come up from inside. Way easier. I like easy.

I have a number of things I do that help my life force flow. Shaolin qi gong is one. Unlimited Breath work is another. Meditation does it, too. Dancing, a good walk; there are a lot of things I do to reap the flow. Relaxing in my daily life keeps it flowing. Then, I automatically look at the world with joyful filters, and it takes no effort to experience my life as wonder-filled. I like effortless.

Why is it just so easy? Why can it be effortless? How do I relax? Why do I choose?

We all try so hard. We strive to make a nice life for ourselves, our loved ones. We struggle to make ends meet. We pull our expectations in tight and hold them there. We believe we can only have a life that is so big, and no bigger. Sometimes, we feel like it’s all for nothing, and we resort to addictive behaviors to mask our feelings. As we let go of struggle, as we relax our grip on our expectations, as we change our beliefs about how our life can be, it all gets easier and softer.

Why am I wealthy? Why do good things happen for me? How do I enjoy my life?

Sometimes we have one of those days. Usually, if I stop and look at it, it’s not that the whole day was awful, but that a few parts were. Or were annoying, or frustrating, or sad. My choice is to hang onto those things and let them color the whole day, or week, or month. Or I can choose to let each thing go, and start fresh. It took me some practice, but like so many things, it was worth it.

Somedays, it is just one thing after another. When I am choosing to let each thing go, I can usually chalk it up to wonky energy on my part, and laugh at it. I know that this too shall pass, and that a wonky day is one of the ways I appreciate my normal days.

How have I changed from trying to make myself happy to letting my happiness flow?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 07192014

Understanding Forgiveness

Understanding Forgiveness

The card I pulled today is a biggie: Why do I forgive? It’s a biggie for the obvious reason, that is, forgiveness is a simple thing we do as we grow up to set ourselves free. But it is also important because we sometimes do weird things with it. Oh, yes, I said “weird things.”

We can get a bit obsessive thinking about forgiving the wrongs we think have been done to us. We start out thinking about forgiveness, and end up thinking about the wrongs, and get ourselves all riled up about ‘em.

Thing is, the more we rehearse that stuff, the more we are hurting ourselves. At this point, of course, it’s all in our heads, if you see what I mean. That outside hurt happened, and then we think about it over and over. The other person isn’t hurting us now, we are.

Why do I treat myself with kindness and respect? How am I good to me? Why would I let go?

By rehearsing the hurt, we stay stuck in it, and when we are stuck, well, we can’t move ahead. We end up feeling helpless, sometimes even hopeless. When we try to get help from that place, we often think that there is no help, or it’s the wrong kind.

And so we can let go, which is all forgiveness is. I need to let go of the hurt. Sometimes I need help with that, to work through a situation. I need to let go of my harsh feelings toward the person. Sometimes I need help with that. I don’t need to choose to have them for a bosom buddy, but resentment is a clench inside me. And I need to let go of the habit of rehearsing the hurt on their behalf. That is a wonderful place for me to use my good Creative Questions.

Why am I strong? What makes me capable? How am I competent? Why do I trust?

I don’t need to trust untrustworthy people. I have gotten myself into a lot of trouble doing that. I have learned to discern degrees of trust, how much I can give someone. And trust is not the same thing as love. I can love someone to pieces and know that I might not want to tell them a secret, for example. Or that I might not want to rely on them for X, but can certainly rely on them for Y. This is about paying attention, being aware, and really listening to someone, noticing how they are from a place of compassion.

The more I let go, or forgive, the less time I spend thinking about my old hurts, and the more room I have inside for the nice stuff. The more I let go, the more relaxed I get. The more relaxed I get, the more peace I have inside, and the less outside stuff can hurt me.

The most important person on my list of people to forgive is myself. I need to stop beating myself up for the time I spent around people who were hurtful to me. I need to stop beating myself up for not forgiving me sooner. I need to forgive myself for the time I spent re-hurting me in my memories.

As I let go of old hurts, it becomes easier for me to not let hurtful behavior hurt me, and to find compassion for the hurter. As a dear friend said to me the other day, “Hurt people hurt people.”

Letting go is a way to more freedom inside. The more internal freedom I have, the less I need to pretend to control outside stuff. And boy, howdy, do I like that feeling of serenity that comes right along with letting go.

How have I changed from rehearsing the hurt to feeling free?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 06222014

Stillness of a Spinning Top

Stillness of a Spinning Top

One of my favorite words these days is “stillness.” One of my favorite pastimes these days is going to stillness. I really like it because for so much of my life, stillness was just a theoretical concept.

I have a giant mural of the heart of a forest in my bathroom. I know, kinda dorky, but I get that feeling when I look at it, even though I know how noisy forests can be. Stillness isn’t about quiet.

On my porch, during rush hour, with the river of traffic, and sirens, and horns, and helicopters. Stillness isn’t about a lack of activity.

In the midst of your craziest day, running errands, playing taxi, meeting after meeting, loved ones in need, dinner, laundry, more and more and more. Stillness isn’t about stopping.

Stillness, like peace, like happiness, is inside us. It may be deep, but, baby, it’s there. All you have to do is go there.

Sometimes the path is clear, sometimes the path is barely discernible, but it’s there, nonetheless. Taking the time to find it may seem daunting, a lot of the best things are. And once you find it, it’s yours.

Stillness also isn’t always about going deep inside, sometimes it’s about coming up for air, so to speak, allowing our internal turbulence to fend for itself without our needing to be there, tending it.

Meditation is one way. And there are so many different ways to meditate. I lead guided meditations that produce a state of aware sleep. I practice silent meditation, zen meditation, and on my porch, I practice what I think of as open meditation, where I am aware of my externals, all the sights and sounds and smells and experiences that sitting on the porch brings me.

If the idea of stillness within the busy seems like a contradiction, think of a spinning top, zipping round and round so fast that it looks still.

Stillness happens when we let go of conflict, discord, and negative moral or emotional judgments. Stillness happens when we surrender into the flow of our life, even if that life is spinning like a top.

One of my favorite examples was during my qigong practice, when I found myself spinning like a top. As I watched me spin from the inside, I wondered about dizzy. Then, I realized that “I” was still, while my body swirled around me. My body spun like that for several minutes, and when it stopped, I, the still, inside I, opened my eyes, and the room spun visually for a while, but I was still. Freaky weirdo stuff, I tells ya. Still.

When I choose the path to stillness, I choose to unchoose a lot of things. I choose to be patient, gentle and kind with myself, but also to be firm about my choices. I choose to shed another layer of my fixed delusions. I choose to trust, to let my life flow, and I choose to believe that life is good. I choose to believe that, whatever my circumstances, I can find my place of peace, of stillness, of happiness.

How have I changed from living in discord to feeling harmonious?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 03/07/2014

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Closing the Harbor on Resentments

Closing the Harbor on Resentments

What do you think about forgiveness? Is it something you do, or do you nurse and nurture your old emo stuff, refeeling old hurts, rehearsing betrayals, let-downs and disappointments? Does forgiveness strike you as something lame, for dorks or dummies?

Forgiveness was a tricky one for me. If someone was cruel to me, how could I not be mad at them? If someone betrayed my trust, how could I not just feel betrayed forever and ever? If someone stole from me, or cheated me, or lied to me, how could that not just be part of my sordid and miserable past? Wasn’t that the reasonable response?

Why do I forgive? How do I let go?

An analogy I really like is thinking of my unconscious mind as a basement, full of stuff. Some of if is nice, carefully packed with tissue paper and lavender, or cedar balls, but some of it is shoved willy-nilly into rotting paper bags, stuffed in a damp corner picking up mold.

One of my tasks as a grown up is to clean up my emotional basement. I need to spend some time there, paying attention to what I find, and, at the very least, identify and let go of, my old emo crap around you. My resentments, in general, have very little impact on you, but a huge impact on me. They can screw up my sleep, knot up my guts, give me headaches, and wreck my relationships.

What makes me dump my resentments? Why do I choose to live clean? How am I free?

In some cases, I found that I had to work through and complete some kind of traumatic experience around an old resentment. Sometimes, I needed help to do that. I tells ya, it was so worth it.

Do you know how to let something go? Is that a skill you’ve been practicing? This is a very useful skill in general, but if you have trouble sleeping because you can’t seem to shut off your thinkin’, you will benefit greatly by mastering this skill.

I am the boss of my thinking. I am not the boss of my thoughts. My thoughts just flow, like stuff on the banks of the river. That’s the job of the mind, to make thoughts, but I get to decide what thought I will follow, if I choose to follow any at all. A meditation practice helps develop this skill, so does just sitting, being aware of thoughts moving through, noticing when I follow one, and bringing my attention back to just noticing them.

When I need to let go of something, that means it is flowing into my awareness, I latch onto it, and think on it, usually getting myself all worked up and mad, scared, or something. It gets in the way of what I’m doing, it gets in the way of my feeling good.

So I will do something like, imaging the bad thoughts as turning into dandelion fluff, and blow them away, thinking “let it go, let it go” and imagining the seeds taking root and blooming into beautiful flowers.  Or I will imagine them as a bunch of balloons, and release them, imagining them floating to the sun to be turned into good energy. Then I ask good Creative Questions, especially ones like, How to I feel when I feel light? How do I feel when I feel happy? How do I feel when I feel clear and right?

I love making room in my emo basement.

How have I changed from giving safe harbor to bad feelings to allowing my center of light to grow?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 03012014

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The Verdict -- Innocent

The Verdict -- Innocent

Do you have a big pile of stuff that is waiting for your attention? Is it the starting? Or the middling? Or the finishing?

One of the tricks we are really good at is creating stuff to feel guilty about. I know, it’s a “why would we do that?” kind of thing, but we do, It’s in our baby nature:  We have something, we see what would happen if we wreck it somehow, and then we have giant feelings about it being wrecked.

Seriously.

So, as we choose to grow up, we can choose to address this topic for ourselves, for our peace.

Why do I get things done? What makes me follow through? How do I commit?

Why would I start? How do I begin? What makes me take the first step?

As we choose to address this topic, we may find ourselves facing a big ol’ pile of guilt. Guilt for not starting, guilt for not finishing, Guilt for procrastinating, guilt for doing X, but not well enough.

Sometimes, we feeling guilty, and that makes us feel ashamed, so we lash out and blame someone else, or something else, for how crappy we feel. And then we feel guilty about that.

Why am I innocent? What makes me perfect? How have I changed from making up stuff to feel guilty about, to letting go?

Letting go. When I am feeling guilty about somethings, I can fix ‘em, I can make amends. I can make restitution for the stuff I took, or the lies I told. I can take responsibility for hurts I caused, or damage I did. But what about the guilt we feel for that baby-nature stuff, where we kind of manufacture the whole thing? What do I do then?

When I am feeling that kind of guilt, or even guilt for being alive, which a lot of us have, there are a couple things I do. Thing one, I can start using Creative Questions, and thing two, I can practice letting it go.

And how the hickety-heck do I do that?

First thing is to stop the thoughts. Get out of your head. Get into your body, or into a calming image, or a mantra that you like. When I was feeling really stuck, I used a rubber band on my wrist and would snap it as soon as I noticed my negative thoughts. On the one hand, ow. On the other hand, it worked.

The sooner I can catch my thought, my guilty thought, my blaming or shaming thought, and change it, the better. When I know what the thought is, I can more easily craft a good Creative Question to turn it around, but even when I can’t, Creative Questions will help.

How have I changed from all that guilt to knowing I am pure and innocent?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 02172014

How to Surrender

How to Surrender

We have a lot of ways to describe it; letting go, surrendering, relinquishing control. Doing it can be really challenging, over and over.

But, boy, is it worth the effort.

How do I choose to change? Why do I evolve? What makes me open up to life?

When we start letting go, a whole lot of nice stuff starts happening. We cease to worry when we let go. When we surrender to the flow of life, we stop being afraid. Without worry or fear we have room to find resources. With more resources, life gets easier, sometimes even simpler.

Why do I choose to let go? How do I learn from my past? What makes me grateful?

As I choose to let go, I accept my past. I cease to hide from it, I own it, and find the value of who I have become within it. I integrate those experiences. When I find myself dwelling on my past, or my loss, or what could have been, I stop myself, and find something else to think about. If I can make a positive change, I do that. If I can’t, I practice letting those thoughts flow through me. Sometimes, I am stuck in a bad situation, then I have to leave it to make my life better. When I am always in emotional pain, I cannot realize my gifts, I cannot fully experience what I can do, what I can give.

Why am I free? How do I know I am evolving? What makes me grow?

Now, I feel like I have some breathing room inside, to breathe in deeply, to exhale fully. Letting go gives me room to find my peaceful, joyful center. Relinquishing control gives me room to slow down, at least inside. Surrendering to the flow of life gives me time to respond to life rather than reacting all the time. I don’t feel like I’m always behind.

I start to feel like time is moving at a normal pace again, like a week takes a week, a month takes a month, and a year takes a year. I feel like I can appreciate moments every single day. It is easy for me to notice my gratitude. It is easy for me to value you when I have slowed down. I can see you more clearly for you, I can see past your behavior, if we are having a thing, to the you inside, the you I can now love unconditionally. I like that, especially since it helps me remember that I am also not my behavior.

Now I want to take better care of me, and it’s way easier.

Now I feel respect for who I am, and for where I’ve come from. I am proud of my growth, my evolution. I can see how I have changed for the better, and on my off days, that gives me strength, it helps me remember that this, too, shall pass.

Now I have more energy, now I want to help you, too. I want to help you find your peaceful center, too. I want to help you let go. I want to be a good example of how to live your natural life of bliss and joy, relaxation and peace, satisfaction, creativity, engagement, intimacy and contentment. I want to be present in my life, and live it fully.

How have I changed from clutching tightly to letting go and feeling free?

(c) 2014 Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 01/30/2014

That Bully, Past.

That Bully, Past.

Jacob Marley in Dicken’s masterpiece says, “I wear the chain I forged in life! I made it link by link and yard by yard! I gartered it on of my own free will and by my own free will, I wore it!”

Links of regret, links of resentment, links of ignored traumas, links of misery and suffering and cruel words said in anger.

Yeah. I was pretty weighted down by my chains, and I wasn’t even a clanking ghost.

And then I got sick of it. Carrying around all that past was hard work. I was exhausted. I ached and felt crappy most of the time. All the clanking and jangling ruined my sleep, and all those links came between me and a lot of nice stuff. I wanted a nice life.

I started to think that maybe I had a shot at a happy life. Maybe I could feel lighter, and less bitter. Maybe I could have friends I loved, who loved me back with kindness and fun. Maybe I could do interesting things instead of reading about other people doing interesting things. Maybe I could live a life I loved instead of slogging through.

Maybe.

I knew I had to choose it, and because I wore all those chains of the past, I had to choose it over and over. I still do, some days.

Sometimes, it’s one link at a time, prying it open, wiggling it free from the rest. Sometimes, I can dump a bunch at a time. Sometimes, it’s as easy as remembering that I choose to live easy, sometimes it has taken years.

Why do I choose to feel free? What makes me clear my past? Why do I choose to clean up my act?

When I release old resentments, I acquire freedom from my past. When I complete old experiences by feeling my way all the way through to the real end, I have a fresh start each morning. When I break my old habits of feeling bad, I can enjoy new habits of feeling light.

I am no longer subject to the tyranny of hidden memories. My past is no longer a source of unhappiness. I am no longer wearing the chains I forged in life.

Sometimes we fear delving into our past. We don’t wanna rile things up, we don’t wanna damage old relationships by remembering.

Thing is, it’s all in there, those memories, having their way with us, mostly out of our ken. Even though we don’t know we are thinking them, we are having unconscious thoughts all the time. That’s why we call ‘em unconscious. Seriously, most of our thoughts are unconscious. And every thought has a corresponding emotion. When our unconscious thoughts become unconscious emotions, we can have lots of nasty feelings, and sometimes even feel like we are going crazy.

We’ve already lived through the past. We survived it. Now we can choose to refuse to be bullied by it.

How have I changed from letting my past lead me around by the nose to being the boss of my own self?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11192013

Betrayal, Perfidy, Dishonesty

Betrayal, Perfidy, Dishonesty

I could care less, but I like how much I care now. Or, rather, I like what I care about now.

Didn’t always used to be like that.

Back in the dark ages, I used to worry about everything. One of the things I liked to worry about was what felt like my lack of compassion. What was wrong with me that he was crying and I was unmoved? I felt so much better when I found out that I often don’t feel anything when I’m being emotionally manipulated. Good to know. I’ve saved a lot of money on emotionally manipulative movies, and learned to steer clear of emotionally manipulative people.

Why do I learn from my emotions?

Back in the dark ages, I held on tight to resentments. I would regularly pull out and burnish betrayals. I hung onto hurts. I took it all personally. I even worried that strangers were talking about me. Life was exhausting.

Back in the dark ages, your opinion of me was worth more to me than my opinion of me. In fact, your opinion of me often became my opinion of me. But only if it were poor. Opinions in general were not my strong suit, except for all my negative emotional judgments. I couldn’t tell you my favorite colors (today, magenta) or my favorite foods (today, soup) or my favorite kind of music (today, Cantopop from the 40s and 50s). How do I know what I like?

Oh, dear, life was complicated back in the dark ages.

And then I started to take responsibility for me. And then stuff started to get better. And I felt better. I felt lighter. Life felt easier.

When I rehearse my bad feelings about something someone did to me that I didn’t like, I’m not changing anything for the better, I just hurt me. I stunt my emotional growth, I hold a negative vibe around me, and I make my life harder in general.   

Why would I choose to let go?

When I seek revenge for a perceived wrong, I am perpetuating a set of negative interactions, and sometimes I am escalating that bad scene. If I want to evolve, I have to stop that. And, while I often find revenge movies entertaining, revenge is not a mature or compassionate lifestyle.

Why do I choose to forgive?

By going inside and cleaning out my resentments, I make a big difference in the quality of my days. I have a lot more room for nice feelings, feelings like bliss, or joy, satisfaction, peace, that sort of thing.

By going inside and cleaning out my resentments, I make room in my perceptions for you to grow. If I am stuck, you are going to seem stunted to me, too. But as I mature, as I forgive, and release my old crap, I become willing to see you make progress in your life, too, and our relationship can grow. I like that.

How have I changed from anchoring me to my past with resentments, to letting go and feeling free?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 10252013