Understanding Forgiveness
The card I pulled today is a biggie: Why do I forgive? It’s a biggie for the obvious reason, that is, forgiveness is a simple thing we do as we grow up to set ourselves free. But it is also important because we sometimes do weird things with it. Oh, yes, I said “weird things.”
We can get a bit obsessive thinking about forgiving the wrongs we think have been done to us. We start out thinking about forgiveness, and end up thinking about the wrongs, and get ourselves all riled up about ‘em.
Thing is, the more we rehearse that stuff, the more we are hurting ourselves. At this point, of course, it’s all in our heads, if you see what I mean. That outside hurt happened, and then we think about it over and over. The other person isn’t hurting us now, we are.
Why do I treat myself with kindness and respect? How am I good to me? Why would I let go?
By rehearsing the hurt, we stay stuck in it, and when we are stuck, well, we can’t move ahead. We end up feeling helpless, sometimes even hopeless. When we try to get help from that place, we often think that there is no help, or it’s the wrong kind.
And so we can let go, which is all forgiveness is. I need to let go of the hurt. Sometimes I need help with that, to work through a situation. I need to let go of my harsh feelings toward the person. Sometimes I need help with that. I don’t need to choose to have them for a bosom buddy, but resentment is a clench inside me. And I need to let go of the habit of rehearsing the hurt on their behalf. That is a wonderful place for me to use my good Creative Questions.
Why am I strong? What makes me capable? How am I competent? Why do I trust?
I don’t need to trust untrustworthy people. I have gotten myself into a lot of trouble doing that. I have learned to discern degrees of trust, how much I can give someone. And trust is not the same thing as love. I can love someone to pieces and know that I might not want to tell them a secret, for example. Or that I might not want to rely on them for X, but can certainly rely on them for Y. This is about paying attention, being aware, and really listening to someone, noticing how they are from a place of compassion.
The more I let go, or forgive, the less time I spend thinking about my old hurts, and the more room I have inside for the nice stuff. The more I let go, the more relaxed I get. The more relaxed I get, the more peace I have inside, and the less outside stuff can hurt me.
The most important person on my list of people to forgive is myself. I need to stop beating myself up for the time I spent around people who were hurtful to me. I need to stop beating myself up for not forgiving me sooner. I need to forgive myself for the time I spent re-hurting me in my memories.
As I let go of old hurts, it becomes easier for me to not let hurtful behavior hurt me, and to find compassion for the hurter. As a dear friend said to me the other day, “Hurt people hurt people.”
Letting go is a way to more freedom inside. The more internal freedom I have, the less I need to pretend to control outside stuff. And boy, howdy, do I like that feeling of serenity that comes right along with letting go.
How have I changed from rehearsing the hurt to feeling free?
(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 06222014
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