Getting Free

Getting Free

We talk about this one from time to time, but I think it is worth remembering, and addressing. The card I pulled is “Why do I forgive?” Oo, powerful. This is a mighty let-go question, good for serious clearing, making serious room for nice things to come into our lives.

There is a lovely practice called Ho’oponopono. In the ultra simplified version we say, “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.” There is a formal practice with it, and trainings are available, and you can just start using the phrases right now.

We all make negative moral judgments about a lot of stuff. We make them about each other, about people we don’t know, about corporations and governments and nations, even about humanity in general.

The ability to make moral judgments is necessary for us to live well. It’s how we structure our code of ethics; this right and this is wrong. Useful for getting on with stuff, staying out of bad trouble, not hurting others for the fun of it.

One way we do make trouble for ourselves is by judging ourselves too harshly. We judge our behavior, our appearance, our intelligence, our habits, our possessions, our home, our circumstances. We find them not meeting our standards, and we punish ourselves, often in ways we would never punish someone else, Often in ways that we are barely aware of. Oh, poor little we.

Why do I forgive? How am I kind to myself? What makes me let go? Why do I trust? Why can I choose?

There is a big difference between blaming ourselves and taking responsibility for our circumstances. We all have circumstances. Sometimes we bring them about, sometimes they just seem to show up. It’s how we cope with them that determines how we feel about them.

I can spend my energy fighting them, hating them, beating myself up for being in them. I can blame, I can “should” myself to pieces, I can keep myself up nights stewing about them. If psychic energy, and physical energy, were dollars, how much would you be spending on all this re-feeling about stuff?

I can grant myself clemency. I can ask myself useful questions. How could this benefit me? What might I want to change? How do I accept my current circumstances, and thrive within them? Why am I strong? How am I competent? What makes me capable? Why am I worthy?

Choosing to forgive myself, to let go, is a power-choice. When I choose to accept my current circumstances as perfect for me at this time I am choosing to be free. Free from my “shoulds” as in I should be doing something else, I should have different circumstances, I should be a different way.

When I wake up stressed or anxious in the middle of the night. I am should-ing. I should have done my taxes/laundry/homework/job-hunt/exercises/project. I can use the Ho’oponopono phrases to myself, as a chant, to forgive me for my shortcomings, my omissions, my mistakes in judgment. I can do a body-scan to get me out of my head, or pay attention to my breathing. I don’t have to feed the bad feelings. I can forgive me.

How have I changed from judging my behavior harshly to freeing myself with forgiveness?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 07272014

Understanding Forgiveness

Understanding Forgiveness

The card I pulled today is a biggie: Why do I forgive? It’s a biggie for the obvious reason, that is, forgiveness is a simple thing we do as we grow up to set ourselves free. But it is also important because we sometimes do weird things with it. Oh, yes, I said “weird things.”

We can get a bit obsessive thinking about forgiving the wrongs we think have been done to us. We start out thinking about forgiveness, and end up thinking about the wrongs, and get ourselves all riled up about ‘em.

Thing is, the more we rehearse that stuff, the more we are hurting ourselves. At this point, of course, it’s all in our heads, if you see what I mean. That outside hurt happened, and then we think about it over and over. The other person isn’t hurting us now, we are.

Why do I treat myself with kindness and respect? How am I good to me? Why would I let go?

By rehearsing the hurt, we stay stuck in it, and when we are stuck, well, we can’t move ahead. We end up feeling helpless, sometimes even hopeless. When we try to get help from that place, we often think that there is no help, or it’s the wrong kind.

And so we can let go, which is all forgiveness is. I need to let go of the hurt. Sometimes I need help with that, to work through a situation. I need to let go of my harsh feelings toward the person. Sometimes I need help with that. I don’t need to choose to have them for a bosom buddy, but resentment is a clench inside me. And I need to let go of the habit of rehearsing the hurt on their behalf. That is a wonderful place for me to use my good Creative Questions.

Why am I strong? What makes me capable? How am I competent? Why do I trust?

I don’t need to trust untrustworthy people. I have gotten myself into a lot of trouble doing that. I have learned to discern degrees of trust, how much I can give someone. And trust is not the same thing as love. I can love someone to pieces and know that I might not want to tell them a secret, for example. Or that I might not want to rely on them for X, but can certainly rely on them for Y. This is about paying attention, being aware, and really listening to someone, noticing how they are from a place of compassion.

The more I let go, or forgive, the less time I spend thinking about my old hurts, and the more room I have inside for the nice stuff. The more I let go, the more relaxed I get. The more relaxed I get, the more peace I have inside, and the less outside stuff can hurt me.

The most important person on my list of people to forgive is myself. I need to stop beating myself up for the time I spent around people who were hurtful to me. I need to stop beating myself up for not forgiving me sooner. I need to forgive myself for the time I spent re-hurting me in my memories.

As I let go of old hurts, it becomes easier for me to not let hurtful behavior hurt me, and to find compassion for the hurter. As a dear friend said to me the other day, “Hurt people hurt people.”

Letting go is a way to more freedom inside. The more internal freedom I have, the less I need to pretend to control outside stuff. And boy, howdy, do I like that feeling of serenity that comes right along with letting go.

How have I changed from rehearsing the hurt to feeling free?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 06222014

Forgive Me, Again

Forgive Me, Again

One of the greatest blessings of being a grownup is feeling free. Free from resentments, free from fretting, free from being stuck in a bad mood. Free from a whole lotta stuff.

As I take responsibility for my stuff, I have the power to change things. Sometimes I can’t seem to  change the outside aspect, but I can always change my inside aspect. One of the things I have the power to do is forgive.

A curious thing about forgiveness; in some cases, I can do it all at once, and it’s done. In other cases, I may have to forgive again and again before I can really let it go. I know I’ve succeeded when the memory of the situation doesn’t fire up a lot of emotion.

I was surprised yesterday to find that I still had some stuff that I needed to forgive, for at least the third time.

In order to forgive, I have to do some stuff.

I need to remember that I am not ‘justified’ in  feeling resentment, or anger, or hurt, that those are feelings that eat me up. I need to remember that my natural state is soul-happy, and when I am feeling resentment, or anger,or hurt, for example, I am off-path.

Why do I choose to be free? Why am I happy? What makes me feel uplifted?

I need to remember that compassion serves me and resentment consumes me.

How am I compassionate? Why am I a caring person? What makes me let go?

I need to remember that we all make the best decisions we can make at the time, and that my hating on you for your decision only really hurts me. Unless I think revenge is a good idea, and it never is.

I need to remember that we are all at different points in our growing up, and while I am more grown up than some people, there are also some people more grown up than I. I want to emulate those grownupper grownups, and model good behavior for the others.

I need to remember that I also deserve forgiveness, and might wanna do that from time to time if I find me riding myself about stuff, or feeling crappy and spewing it, or whatever the case might be.

Sometimes, I can find a silver lining in a situation. Not always, but it sure pays to look. Sometimes, that silver lining may be that I learn something about me, or maybe about you. Sometimes, I may learn that you might not be someone whom I can consider trustworthy. Knowing that, I will stop trying to change you and getting hurt, and can accept you as you are, something we really do want to do with everyone.

It will always help when I can accept the how-it-is of a situation, rather than thinking it should be some other way. Once I do that, I am back in a place of my personal strength and power. And I can forgive again.

How have I changed from harboring hurts and resentments to enjoying the freedom of forgiveness?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04142014

That Bully, Past.

That Bully, Past.

Jacob Marley in Dicken’s masterpiece says, “I wear the chain I forged in life! I made it link by link and yard by yard! I gartered it on of my own free will and by my own free will, I wore it!”

Links of regret, links of resentment, links of ignored traumas, links of misery and suffering and cruel words said in anger.

Yeah. I was pretty weighted down by my chains, and I wasn’t even a clanking ghost.

And then I got sick of it. Carrying around all that past was hard work. I was exhausted. I ached and felt crappy most of the time. All the clanking and jangling ruined my sleep, and all those links came between me and a lot of nice stuff. I wanted a nice life.

I started to think that maybe I had a shot at a happy life. Maybe I could feel lighter, and less bitter. Maybe I could have friends I loved, who loved me back with kindness and fun. Maybe I could do interesting things instead of reading about other people doing interesting things. Maybe I could live a life I loved instead of slogging through.

Maybe.

I knew I had to choose it, and because I wore all those chains of the past, I had to choose it over and over. I still do, some days.

Sometimes, it’s one link at a time, prying it open, wiggling it free from the rest. Sometimes, I can dump a bunch at a time. Sometimes, it’s as easy as remembering that I choose to live easy, sometimes it has taken years.

Why do I choose to feel free? What makes me clear my past? Why do I choose to clean up my act?

When I release old resentments, I acquire freedom from my past. When I complete old experiences by feeling my way all the way through to the real end, I have a fresh start each morning. When I break my old habits of feeling bad, I can enjoy new habits of feeling light.

I am no longer subject to the tyranny of hidden memories. My past is no longer a source of unhappiness. I am no longer wearing the chains I forged in life.

Sometimes we fear delving into our past. We don’t wanna rile things up, we don’t wanna damage old relationships by remembering.

Thing is, it’s all in there, those memories, having their way with us, mostly out of our ken. Even though we don’t know we are thinking them, we are having unconscious thoughts all the time. That’s why we call ‘em unconscious. Seriously, most of our thoughts are unconscious. And every thought has a corresponding emotion. When our unconscious thoughts become unconscious emotions, we can have lots of nasty feelings, and sometimes even feel like we are going crazy.

We’ve already lived through the past. We survived it. Now we can choose to refuse to be bullied by it.

How have I changed from letting my past lead me around by the nose to being the boss of my own self?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11192013