SunAgape's Spot: should

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Getting Free

We talk about this one from time to time, but I think it is worth remembering, and addressing. The card I pulled is “Why do I forgive?” Oo, powerful. This is a mighty let-go question, good for serious clearing, making serious room for nice things to come into our lives.

There is a lovely practice called Ho’oponopono. In the ultra simplified version we say, “I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.” There is a formal practice with it, and trainings are available, and you can just start using the phrases right now.

We all make negative moral judgments about a lot of stuff. We make them about each other, about people we don’t know, about corporations and governments and nations, even about humanity in general.

The ability to make moral judgments is necessary for us to live well. It’s how we structure our code of ethics; this right and this is wrong. Useful for getting on with stuff, staying out of bad trouble, not hurting others for the fun of it.

One way we do make trouble for ourselves is by judging ourselves too harshly. We judge our behavior, our appearance, our intelligence, our habits, our possessions, our home, our circumstances. We find them not meeting our standards, and we punish ourselves, often in ways we would never punish someone else, Often in ways that we are barely aware of. Oh, poor little we.

Why do I forgive? How am I kind to myself? What makes me let go? Why do I trust? Why can I choose?

There is a big difference between blaming ourselves and taking responsibility for our circumstances. We all have circumstances. Sometimes we bring them about, sometimes they just seem to show up. It’s how we cope with them that determines how we feel about them.

I can spend my energy fighting them, hating them, beating myself up for being in them. I can blame, I can “should” myself to pieces, I can keep myself up nights stewing about them. If psychic energy, and physical energy, were dollars, how much would you be spending on all this re-feeling about stuff?

I can grant myself clemency. I can ask myself useful questions. How could this benefit me? What might I want to change? How do I accept my current circumstances, and thrive within them? Why am I strong? How am I competent? What makes me capable? Why am I worthy?

Choosing to forgive myself, to let go, is a power-choice. When I choose to accept my current circumstances as perfect for me at this time I am choosing to be free. Free from my “shoulds” as in I should be doing something else, I should have different circumstances, I should be a different way.

When I wake up stressed or anxious in the middle of the night. I am should-ing. I should have done my taxes/laundry/homework/job-hunt/exercises/project. I can use the Ho’oponopono phrases to myself, as a chant, to forgive me for my shortcomings, my omissions, my mistakes in judgment. I can do a body-scan to get me out of my head, or pay attention to my breathing. I don’t have to feed the bad feelings. I can forgive me.

How have I changed from judging my behavior harshly to freeing myself with forgiveness?

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Can I Get You Anything?

I know something about you. I know that there are people in your life who matter to you. A lot. And I know that you do stuff to support them all the time. That’s because you are so sweet.

Being supportive is how we all are in our natural state. Why do I love to help? How do I support you? What makes me assist?

Sometimes stuff comes up and we get focused on our own big hairy topics and forget to remember that our lives are so much easier when we help each other. We may find ourselves saying no without thinking, or saying no because we think we can’t spare a minute.

That minute can make a huge difference in someone’s day. Like maybe even your own.

I’m not suggesting that you set aside your avalanche of paperwork issue to help me move, but I am suggesting that, when we are up to our eyeballs in a challenging thing, taking some time to help another person can often help us regain a perspective we may have lost.

Being supportive may be a simple matter of asking someone how they are and then paying attention to that person when they answer. It can be offering to pick something up when you go shopping, or reminding someone to slow down for a moment and breathe. Maybe it’s sitting next to someone and just being quiet with them. Maybe it’s a nice hug, or a little note or email to let them know you noticed. It often doesn’t take more than a couple minutes, but those minutes count for a lot.

It helps us stay mindful of our own selves.

What makes me choose awareness?

Sometimes, we can go the other way. Sometimes, I may have a big pile of ugly to do, and I don’t want to face it, so I get busy on you. On lots of you. I volunteer to be on too many committees, or take on too many outside tasks. I can’t take a nap, even though I’m exhausted, because I promised you that I would do this thing. It’s often not a crucial thing for you, but it gets me away from what would be better for me.

When I’m in this mode, I don’t feel good about what I’m doing, I feel like I should be doing more. Notice that red-flag word, “should.”

“Should” is a good marker. It often let’s us know that we have an idea about our behavior or feelings based on outside stuff.

I should be doing more. I should feel more compassionate. I should buckle down and do X.

It is a wonderfully concise way for us to beat ourselves up while we make ourselves feel more guilty, less productive, and other icky stuff.

When I am doing stuff for others to avoid my stuff, I don’t feel satisfied at the end of the day, or peaceful. I am often thinking about all the myriad stuff I didn’t do, for you, or for me, and fall asleep abusing myself for my failings.

When we are in our natural state, I support you in a hundred little ways, and you do the same for me. We help make each other’s stuff easier and nicer, soft and comfy. It adds to our sense of peace. I fall asleep happy and serene.

How have I changed from selfish behaviors to supporting you from my open heart?