SunAgape's Spot: Why am I supportive?

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Helping Hands

One of the nicest things in my life is feeling supportive. Making space for us to live our natural lives, making space for us to let go of our emo crap, making space for us to love ourselves, is a nice activity.

Thing is, you do that for me, too.

The other thing is that when I was suffering, I couldn’t have cared much less about your happiness or well being. In fact, I kind of resented it. Oi.

It’s one of the features of focusing on what sucks in our lives, a particular flavor of selfishness. We get ideas about our suffering, how it’s worse than yours. That’s called inverse grandiosity. We end up resenting people in general. If you aren’t suffering as much as me, what makes you so special, and if you are, or, heaven forbid, are in worse shape, how dare you trespass on my particular domain! No one wins.

When we focus on our suffering, our biggest concern is getting our own needs met. We expend a lot of energy identifying our needs, worrying about them, figuring out how they will be taken care of, who will do it for us.

Sometimes we have a sense of being selfish, and know that it doesn’t serve us well, so we pretend we care. That can be excruciating for us, and for the people we are pretending about. We can always pick up that insincerity on some level.

When I focus on the good in my life instead of what sucks, my life gets nicer. I can calm down, and stop feeling like I have to scramble to get my needs taken care of. In fact, I often find I have fewer needs. Things that seemed vitally important might just drop off my radar.

Why am I positive? How do I see the good? What makes me choose?

When I focus on the good in my life instead of what sucks, I find I don’t need to borrow trouble. That means, I want to support you in living your best life, and stop fretting about your situations, your bad habits, your relationships; things, in other words, I have no control over.

The more attention I pay to the good things in my life, the softer I feel. I don’t get riled up about stuff as easily, I don’t go to scared as fast. When my emotions feel even, I don’t need tons of reassurance that things are okay, I don’t need to be convinced, I know. I trust.

And so I have a lot more energy. And because I am feeling good, and it was pretty easy to get there, I want you to feel good, too, so being supportive of you comes naturally with my joy and peace.

And now I am living my natural life. My spirit is renewed from the inside out, and I find bliss and contentment easily, I feel productive, and creative. I feel connected and engaged. And I want to make space for you to find your natural life, not my idea of how you should be, but your own, unique life.

How have I changed from dwelling on my misery to opening my life?

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Can I Get You Anything?

I know something about you. I know that there are people in your life who matter to you. A lot. And I know that you do stuff to support them all the time. That’s because you are so sweet.

Being supportive is how we all are in our natural state. Why do I love to help? How do I support you? What makes me assist?

Sometimes stuff comes up and we get focused on our own big hairy topics and forget to remember that our lives are so much easier when we help each other. We may find ourselves saying no without thinking, or saying no because we think we can’t spare a minute.

That minute can make a huge difference in someone’s day. Like maybe even your own.

I’m not suggesting that you set aside your avalanche of paperwork issue to help me move, but I am suggesting that, when we are up to our eyeballs in a challenging thing, taking some time to help another person can often help us regain a perspective we may have lost.

Being supportive may be a simple matter of asking someone how they are and then paying attention to that person when they answer. It can be offering to pick something up when you go shopping, or reminding someone to slow down for a moment and breathe. Maybe it’s sitting next to someone and just being quiet with them. Maybe it’s a nice hug, or a little note or email to let them know you noticed. It often doesn’t take more than a couple minutes, but those minutes count for a lot.

It helps us stay mindful of our own selves.

What makes me choose awareness?

Sometimes, we can go the other way. Sometimes, I may have a big pile of ugly to do, and I don’t want to face it, so I get busy on you. On lots of you. I volunteer to be on too many committees, or take on too many outside tasks. I can’t take a nap, even though I’m exhausted, because I promised you that I would do this thing. It’s often not a crucial thing for you, but it gets me away from what would be better for me.

When I’m in this mode, I don’t feel good about what I’m doing, I feel like I should be doing more. Notice that red-flag word, “should.”

“Should” is a good marker. It often let’s us know that we have an idea about our behavior or feelings based on outside stuff.

I should be doing more. I should feel more compassionate. I should buckle down and do X.

It is a wonderfully concise way for us to beat ourselves up while we make ourselves feel more guilty, less productive, and other icky stuff.

When I am doing stuff for others to avoid my stuff, I don’t feel satisfied at the end of the day, or peaceful. I am often thinking about all the myriad stuff I didn’t do, for you, or for me, and fall asleep abusing myself for my failings.

When we are in our natural state, I support you in a hundred little ways, and you do the same for me. We help make each other’s stuff easier and nicer, soft and comfy. It adds to our sense of peace. I fall asleep happy and serene.

How have I changed from selfish behaviors to supporting you from my open heart?