Enjoying the Population

Enjoying the Population

How interesting is our relationship with people. We all have ideas about how people are, about what people are like. Even what we think people should be like.

There was a fun exercise I first learned of many years ago. It was very simple; you can try it now.

First, think of someone you consider a hero, or an inspiration to you. Got it? Now, think of some of their qualities that you admire, shoot for five. Do you have them?

Now, notice how you have those qualities you admire. And if you think you don’t, notice what you think about them.

Ahahah! Yes, indeed. For many of us, the qualities we admire in our inspirations are qualities we are nurturing in ourselves. In fact, it is often the case that we can’t see qualities in others that we don’t share. I think that’s wild, that we can’t see what we don’t have, but I’ve seen it play out over and over. We get ideas about the word, the quality, but until we open up to the experience, it’s just a concept.

We project our thoughts about ourselves onto our concept of “people.” We have to. As we grow, we learn more, we experience more, and we conceptualize more. That makes our worlds bigger, and we see each other more clearly, more deeply.

As my concept of people expanded, as I grew up, I found that I liked people more, and I liked me more. Fancy that.

As I came to see that I filter the world for stuff, we all do, or we would go cuckoo-bananas, I realized that I filtered people. In the olden days, I would filter for sad, grim faces; faces that looked like I felt. Poor me. Now I filter for happy faces, or faces that look like they want a smile. I love how many smiles I see walking down the street now, how many of us respond in kind. That’s my kinda world.

Why do I like me? How do I like people? What makes me want to connect?

If I think people are bad, or unpleasant, or selfish, or angry, I will benefit from looking at me to see what I might want to let go of, like selfishness, anger, or general unpleasantness.

When I like me, liking people is effortless.

Sometimes, we push people away because we are afraid of what they would think of us if they got to know is. We may be wary of letting them get close because we have been hurt, and worry that we will be hurt again. We may push them away because of those ideas we have about how people are, even if they aren’t.

Sometimes, we’ve had something happen with one person that was kind of awful, and we get the idea that all people may be like that, and we withdraw. And that can lead to feeling lonely and resentful. Dang.

Coming to know ourselves, taking responsibility for our well being, integrating negative experiences, all these help us come to enjoy being around each other so much more.

How have I changed from avoiding people to enjoying my connections?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 07052014

Reflections on People

Reflections on People

One of the most wonderful things about this way I choose to live is how my opinion and feelings about people has changed. You guys are nothing at all like I used to think.

Why do I like people? How do I get along? What makes me see the good?

In the dark ages, I thought people were pretty much out for themselves, others be damned. Wrong-o. I thought people were basically cold, hard to get to know, full of deceit, and kind of dangerous. I thought that there were a few good people, but they were the exception. More wrong-o. Turned out, I was projecting me onto you. Ick. Sorry about that.

Turns out, I was projecting me onto you.

I didn’t dare tell you the truth about me because I knew you would hate me if I told you. Projecting. I didn’t dare show you me, so I lied a lot about stuff, I hid my feelings, I pretended to be someone I wasn’t. Not sure I was dangerous, but I sure was off.

What makes me compassionate? How to I connect? What makes me engage?

The way I feel about me is often the way I feel about you. So when I didn’t like me, well, you can see where this is headed.

It’s a curious thing, so much of whether we like or dislike ourselves is based on our attitude, not on facts.

We all pretty much want to live a nice life. Some of us have opened to the universe of resources available to us to help us get there. Some of us have opened our hearts in compassion for what we’ve been through without going to self-pity. Some of us have owned all the effort we have put into living a life we feel good about. Awesome.

We all have stuff and things that we’ve been through and made it to the other side. We have things we’ve done we may not feel proud of, maybe even ashamed. We all have things we wish we could have a do-over on. Everyone does. Because we are grownups, we choose to forgive ourselves for our screw-ups, and make amends where we can. Because we are grownups, we choose to view our former selves with gentle compassion. We’ve identified things about who we are, how we operate that we like, even admire in ourselves. We do something about the things we don’t like.

The amazing magic that happens is, as we do those things, we start to like ourselves. We recognize our own value, our own contributions. And then we find that we can do it with other people, too. We forgive them, especially our childhood adults who, for whatever reasons, messed up with us.

Why do I forgive? How do I open my heart? What makes me care?

As I choose to like me, and choose to like you, more amazing stuff happens. I see the good in you. I can find ways to feel compassion and respect for you, and my world transforms from a sad, dark place, to a place of connection, of mutual compassion, and joy.

How have I changed from hating me and you to feeling compassion and love for our human-ness?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 06202014