Enjoying the Population

Enjoying the Population

How interesting is our relationship with people. We all have ideas about how people are, about what people are like. Even what we think people should be like.

There was a fun exercise I first learned of many years ago. It was very simple; you can try it now.

First, think of someone you consider a hero, or an inspiration to you. Got it? Now, think of some of their qualities that you admire, shoot for five. Do you have them?

Now, notice how you have those qualities you admire. And if you think you don’t, notice what you think about them.

Ahahah! Yes, indeed. For many of us, the qualities we admire in our inspirations are qualities we are nurturing in ourselves. In fact, it is often the case that we can’t see qualities in others that we don’t share. I think that’s wild, that we can’t see what we don’t have, but I’ve seen it play out over and over. We get ideas about the word, the quality, but until we open up to the experience, it’s just a concept.

We project our thoughts about ourselves onto our concept of “people.” We have to. As we grow, we learn more, we experience more, and we conceptualize more. That makes our worlds bigger, and we see each other more clearly, more deeply.

As my concept of people expanded, as I grew up, I found that I liked people more, and I liked me more. Fancy that.

As I came to see that I filter the world for stuff, we all do, or we would go cuckoo-bananas, I realized that I filtered people. In the olden days, I would filter for sad, grim faces; faces that looked like I felt. Poor me. Now I filter for happy faces, or faces that look like they want a smile. I love how many smiles I see walking down the street now, how many of us respond in kind. That’s my kinda world.

Why do I like me? How do I like people? What makes me want to connect?

If I think people are bad, or unpleasant, or selfish, or angry, I will benefit from looking at me to see what I might want to let go of, like selfishness, anger, or general unpleasantness.

When I like me, liking people is effortless.

Sometimes, we push people away because we are afraid of what they would think of us if they got to know is. We may be wary of letting them get close because we have been hurt, and worry that we will be hurt again. We may push them away because of those ideas we have about how people are, even if they aren’t.

Sometimes, we’ve had something happen with one person that was kind of awful, and we get the idea that all people may be like that, and we withdraw. And that can lead to feeling lonely and resentful. Dang.

Coming to know ourselves, taking responsibility for our well being, integrating negative experiences, all these help us come to enjoy being around each other so much more.

How have I changed from avoiding people to enjoying my connections?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 07052014

Let’s Hear it For YOU!!

Let’s Hear it For YOU!!

Whom do you admire the most? Is it a celebrity? A religious figure? A parent? Maybe a special teacher.

What do you admire most about them? Their looks? Their compassion? Their good works, or talent, or wisdom?

We cannot see in others that of which we are not aware in ourselves.

I know, right? That kind of blew me away, too. Until I have an internal experience of something, it’s as though it, whatever it is, doesn’t exist. I have to say it again, that blows me away. We didn’t exist in each other’s lives until we did.

In the bad ol’ days, I remember saying to my beloved teacher, “I just want to feel ok.” It took me years to get there, and when I finally did she said, “When you first came to me and said that, I knew you didn’t have any idea what that even meant; to feel ok.”

Until we have had the experience, we have no concept, even with a great imagination.

Back then, I also didn’t really have any heroes. I felt like I sucked so thoroughly, that the world was guilty of sucking by association with me.

For many of us who have come out of abusive situations, or may still be in them, the idea of being admired or honored, is alien and strange. We may see it happening for other people, perhaps on TV, or in our communities, but we don’t quite comprehend what is going on.

Or perhaps we had the experience of feeling admired in the past, and can’t quite get there anymore.

How do I feel when I feel admired? How do I feel when I am honored?

Why do I admire me? Why would I honor myself? How do I honor myself? What makes me approve of me?

Regardless of what is going on out there, I can hold that space for me, where I feel valued and appreciated, admired, and honored. I can become my own hero.

When I am my own hero, I can protect me from a lot of crap. I can stop me from feeling abused. I can notice and appreciate my accomplishments. I can value my talents and gifts. I can practice falling asleep saying kind things to me.

As I get used to hearing me treat me with honor, respect, and admiration, I will shift the color of my world a little bit. It will grow a little rosier, a little brighter. I will feel better, and, amazingly, you will treat me a little better.

The world will require it.

And I will find more and more amazing people, with qualities I love, to admire, honor, respect, and resemble.

How have I changed from being a wad of suckage to feeling admired and honored?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12192013