It’s All Your Fault

It’s All Your Fault

I have a bit of a romantic fancy; sometimes I feel like there is an ebb and flow, a waxing and waning all around us, bigger than the tug from the moon, like the Universe inhales and exhales, tossing me around like a leaf in the wind, or a pebble in a running brook. Like I said, a bit of a romantic notion.

And then I remember that John Wheeler quote about how the only law is the law that there is no law in quantum physics, and that I create my world through my beliefs and filters, and if I am feeling constricted, I am doing the constraining. I am responsible for how I feel.

Dang. Why can I choose?

It seems like it would be so much easier to blame it all on you. Your bad behavior, your immaturity, your callousness. But even there, the quality of your behavior is based on my judgement. You don’t disappoint me, my expectations of you disappoint me. I am responsible for my relationship to you.

Dang. Why am I responsible?

If I wanna live a nice life, all the way through, it’s up to me. If I want to feel honored and respected instead of taken for granted and abused, I have to change that within me. I am the center of my personal universe, and if I don’t like it, I’m the only one who can change it.

Dang. Why do I approve of me?

If I don’t approve of me, no matter how much you do, I won’t feel it. If I don’t acknowledge myself, no matter how much you do, I won’t feel it. If I don’t respect me, well, you see the pattern here.

Why would I respect myself? Why do I choose to honor myself? Why do I own my achievements?

I need to remember that the Universe, if you will, doesn’t do stuff to me, it does stuff for me. Events, circumstances, situations, all appear in my life for the purpose of helping me grow. I get opportunities to learn more about me, to recognize, own, and modify my own bad behaviors, to mitigate my own immaturity, to soften my callousness.

When I am tight, constricted, restrained, clenched, not much can get in or out. It’s easy for me to feel bad because I’ve made my system static, like a stagnant pond, we get stinky, and filled with all sorts of weird stuff feeding on our tight.

Why do I choose to relax? What makes me trust? Why am I safe to be soft?

As we change our ideas and attitudes about ourselves, as we clean up our emo crud, as we practice our new behaviors and beliefs, our lives get nicer. They get bigger. We get more, more love, more satisfaction, more joy. As we come to appreciate and respect ourselves, we can experience it more from the outside in.

How have I changed from blaming you for my life to honoring myself and my accomplishments?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 01092014

Let’s Hear it For YOU!!

Let’s Hear it For YOU!!

Whom do you admire the most? Is it a celebrity? A religious figure? A parent? Maybe a special teacher.

What do you admire most about them? Their looks? Their compassion? Their good works, or talent, or wisdom?

We cannot see in others that of which we are not aware in ourselves.

I know, right? That kind of blew me away, too. Until I have an internal experience of something, it’s as though it, whatever it is, doesn’t exist. I have to say it again, that blows me away. We didn’t exist in each other’s lives until we did.

In the bad ol’ days, I remember saying to my beloved teacher, “I just want to feel ok.” It took me years to get there, and when I finally did she said, “When you first came to me and said that, I knew you didn’t have any idea what that even meant; to feel ok.”

Until we have had the experience, we have no concept, even with a great imagination.

Back then, I also didn’t really have any heroes. I felt like I sucked so thoroughly, that the world was guilty of sucking by association with me.

For many of us who have come out of abusive situations, or may still be in them, the idea of being admired or honored, is alien and strange. We may see it happening for other people, perhaps on TV, or in our communities, but we don’t quite comprehend what is going on.

Or perhaps we had the experience of feeling admired in the past, and can’t quite get there anymore.

How do I feel when I feel admired? How do I feel when I am honored?

Why do I admire me? Why would I honor myself? How do I honor myself? What makes me approve of me?

Regardless of what is going on out there, I can hold that space for me, where I feel valued and appreciated, admired, and honored. I can become my own hero.

When I am my own hero, I can protect me from a lot of crap. I can stop me from feeling abused. I can notice and appreciate my accomplishments. I can value my talents and gifts. I can practice falling asleep saying kind things to me.

As I get used to hearing me treat me with honor, respect, and admiration, I will shift the color of my world a little bit. It will grow a little rosier, a little brighter. I will feel better, and, amazingly, you will treat me a little better.

The world will require it.

And I will find more and more amazing people, with qualities I love, to admire, honor, respect, and resemble.

How have I changed from being a wad of suckage to feeling admired and honored?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 12192013