Sorry Sorry Sorry

Sorry Sorry Sorry

One of the nicest things that has happened as I choose grown up is that I can be myself. I know that some of you just get it, you are yourselves, and you’ve always been yourself. I learned at a very young age that being myself wasn’t safe for me, and that I was fundamentally repellent. Poor little me. Can you say, “mislearning?”

I learned how to people-please, you know, when you put their stuff before yours, when you do things you don’t  like all the time. When you think that people are better than you, so you want to get them to like you. You set aside your needs, and then throw a coat over them to pretend you don’t have any.

I didn’t dare say “no” to you. I didn’t dare say “I want this.” At the same time, the closer you were to me, the more I neglected you. How sad is that.

Nothing was ever very satisfying, because I held me back. I was so focussed on you, half the time I couldn’t tell you even if I liked something. I watched you like a hawk on a mouse, looking for disapproval. I found it, too, even when it wasn’t there, and I took every single thing personally.

People pleasing is exhausting.

Why am I the real deal? What makes me authentic? How am I genuine?

As I chose to respect me more, I stopped trying to please you. I stopped trying to keep you from getting pissed, or disappointed, or scared from fear of how you would treat me. I started to say, “no.”

I noticed what my favorite colors were. Why can I choose?

I stopped saying “sorry” all the time. That might be the single most apparent thing about being a people pleaser, the almost constant repetition of the word, “sorry.” And when people tell us we say sorry too much, we say, you got it, “sorry!” When I am feeling apologetic for my very existence, I am not going to enjoy much of anything. I will often find ways to medicate my bad feelings through drugs or alcohol, or video games, or genre novels. As I stopped feeling apologetic for my existence, as I started to own my value, my need to medicate diminished.

I found satisfaction in my tasks. Why do I like what I do?

As I chose to trust in me, trust in the universe, I found that I could trust in you. Most of us want to do the right thing. Most of us would rather the people around us be authentic. Most of us are decent, and so my trust in you pays off.

I found support in surprising places. How could I feel supported?

Now I choose to pacify from time to time. It’s often because I see a greater good coming from that choice, rather than from a fear of incurring your wrath if I don’t.

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04122014

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