No More Phony Baloney

No More Phony Baloney

I heard a very interesting comment the other day about how anger is often a victim-response, that is, I may get angry when I feel like a victim. Huh.

That was a very curious discovery.

When I am angry, scared, resentful, and a host of others, I don’t feel like me, I feel like Angry, or Scared, or Resentful, or Tired, or Lonely. Kinda like a whole flock of  black sheep from Snow White’s family.

When I feel like me I feel peaceful, engaged, centered, excited, normal.

Weird.

Discovering that I can unchoose victim has also been curious, and profoundly liberating. Who woulda thought you could unchoose that. I must say, before I did it, it seemed like unchoosing my blue eyes.

What that says to me, being able to decide how I will respond inside and out to abusive behavior, is that I can choose to soar.

What do I want? How do I want to feel? What activities satisfy me?

I’ve been calling it “leveling up” and I like that concept. Leveling up means not only having more grown up  responses to the interesting situations in my life, but also higher level responsibilities, more interesting tasks, and more peace at my core.

Wait, more peace?

How do I live my natural life? What makes me feel serene? How am I an inspiration?

More peace is a natural outgrowth of growing up. It’s like successful leveling up brings me all these bonuses; more joy, more peace, more bliss, more love, more satisfaction, better sleep, higher quality free time, plus a bunch of stuff I can’t even think of right now.

Perhaps the most wonderful bonus of all is feeling like I am who I am, and liking, and loving that being. Heh. Former self is all full of feelings about that. She never thought it could happen, but hoped, and now here we are.

Why do I like me? How do I respect myself? What makes me great?

When I first quit abusing recreational chemicals, I fell in love with the 11th Promise: We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us. I wanted that more than anything. I have it to the point where I am mostly barely aware of managing. I have coping skills. I have resources, I have tools. I have a light heart, and good ideas. I have communities that support and love me, and that appreciate my love and support. For real.

How have I changed from feeling like phony baloney to living my own true life?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04252014

How do you feel when you are your true self? Can you tell when you are straying?

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