Honor and Integrity

Honor and Integrity

I had one of those weeks, you know the kind, where all of a sudden you have a hundred things to do that you’ve never done before. I think it’s very interesting that months can go by without needing to do a new, big something.

So, as usual, I had a lot of choices for how to hit it. On the one end, I could have flipped out and had a fit and refused. On the other end, I could act as if I knew what I was doing, and dive in.

Why am I strong? Why am I competent? Why am I capable?

Outstanding questions. These are the way out of feeling like a victim, but there is another really important part. You know what I’m talking about.

Why do I trust?

Before I tackled each task, I relaxed. I imagined getting all the help I needed. I imagined enjoying the outcome. I relaxed some more and imagined having fun. And then I opened my heart.

How do I feel when I trust?

Now, learning to trust the universe did not come easily for me. I held onto feelings of betrayal and violation like a drowning woman to a jagged piece of flotsam, tearing at me, wounding me over and over. Half the time I couldn’t even remember what the original wound was, but I sure had the feelings.

At the same time, I trusted untrustworthy people all the time. Ow.

As I resolve my old traumas, I have started making better choices, used better judgment, found trustworthy people to trust.

I am getting better at trusting the Universe. I am trusting me, more, too.

When I make crappy decisions that hurt me, I am violating my trust in myself. It makes my relationship with me wobbly. When I feel like I can’t rely on me, when I don’t trust me to take care of me, I start to clench. When I clench, I often start to act out. That makes trouble for me. It makes things uncomfortable for you.

This relationship, the one with myself, is the most important one I have. Trusting me to take care of me, to choose wisely and well, to be kind and respectful to me, leaves me light, and energized, with all the resources I need to take good care of my loved ones.

As soon as I catch myself in that clenched place, I relax my body, relax my emotions, relax my thoughts. I make amends to myself as I can. I use my good questions. The more I practice, the longer between my own betrayals of my trust, the nicer my life gets. It gets easier to remember to unchoose when I am heading down a painful path. When I am behaving honorably to myself, I am living my natural life. Things are easy. Life is rich and full.

How have I changed from betraying my trust in myself to behaving with integrity to me, and to you?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04272014

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