Singing Our Praises

Singing Our Praises

I would like to apologize for being such a bad compliment acceptor back when. I really had no idea, and they made me happy and very uncomfortable.

Back when, I felt pretty much like the only attention I could garner was negative attention. I believed that so strongly that when I won awards and stuff, I managed to arrange to accept them alone, with no celebrations, no community to be proud with me. And then I got to feel all martyr-y. Yay.

So, I realized that I needed to change that belief. I needed to find a way to accept positive attention, to enjoy being celebrated and praised, to be acknowledged for good, rather than complaints.

I started by learning how to accept a compliment. Hooboy, that took some effort for someone who shoved them away as fast as you could dish them out. “Say ‘thank you’ and shut up,” said my teacher. On the one hand, it was very challenging. I remember digging my nails into my palms after saying “thank you” so that I wouldn’t add a disclaimer, like “it was really easy for me” or “This old thing? I got it on super sale at Goodwill” or “someone else would have done it better.”

Why am I praised? What make me appreciated? How am I approved of?

A dear friend was saying to me that we could benefit by focusing on self-compassion more than on self-esteem and this is one way to do that.

There are things that we do for each other that are little gifts we give. When we offer to help, that’s a little gift. I used to push that away, too, but now, I always try to find something I could use a bit of help with. I know how I feel when I offer help, and how useful I feel when it is accepted. A compliment is a lot like that. It is a little gift you offer me.

When I started just saying, “thank you,” I didn’t know what to do with the compliment. Now that I had it, did I stick it in a drawer or a file? My teacher suggested that I imagine the words of it written on a card framed by a color I really liked. That when I got some time to myself, I should pull it out and savor it. Another thing that is worth the effort.

I find myself paying compliments a lot these days. If I see you wearing something I like, I just blurt it out. So, sometimes a compliment is just me uttering a happy, passing thought. Sometimes, however, I want to tell you nice things I think about you, about how smart you are, and how I see you taking care with people. Or about your creativity, or solution-finding skills, and gentleness. Or about your wisdom about the world, or how interesting you are.

The point is, knowing you makes my life nicer. I appreciate that. Because I appreciate that, I want to share that nice feeling with you.

How to I feel complimented? How do I feel valued? Why am I appreciated?

This topic is a work-in-progress for me, as it taps into my Personal Doubt, but, with Creative Questions and practice, I’m much better at feeling appreciated and approved of.

How have I changed from feeling condemned and bad to feeling celebrated and praised?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 03032014

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