Choosing My Path

Choosing My Path

One of the features of many 12 step groups is the telling of one’s story. This telling provides value to the group in at least a couple ways. Way one, it lets new members know that horrible situations can get better. Way two, it reminds the teller of how far they’ve come.

Why am I capable? How do I know I progress? What makes me evolve?

We kind of get used to where we are because it took us a moment at a time to get here in general. Not like jumping in the deep end of the pool. No one was born competent. No one was born speaking, to the best of my knowledge. We acquire these things. I didn’t develop a drinking problem overnight, I worked on it diligently, day after day. Same with coke and pills. My abusive relationships escalated one day, one event at a time. Telling my story occasionally helps me remember how much I have accomplished.

I grow up one day at a time.

We are capable, we are born that way. Each of us is capable of growing up. We do it one day at a time, one tiny choice at a time.

Sometimes, stuff happens and we get stuck, one day at a time. We may stop growing up for a while, then, until we get choose to get unstuck. When I was choosing mood-altering chemicals, most of the time I wasn’t actively drinking or snorting or popping or smoking. I was, however, choosing that path. When I decided to stop, there was all that time in a day when I hadn’t been actively choosing that path, but then would come the moment when I had to start making tiny choices to change it. A tiny choice to put the pills and coke and dope down the toilet. A tiny choice to pull all my booze from my hidey holes and dump that. A tiny choice to try a new way, I was scared, but I was more scared to stay where I was.

Why am I competent? Why can I choose? What makes me decide?

I choose to grow up because each little step I’ve taken, things have gotten a bit better. I choose to believe what my spiritual teachers have told me, that a happy life is normal, an easy life is normal. A satisfying life is normal

I wanted normal.

Why am I skilled? How do I know I am wise? What makes me shine?

When I decide to choose to live, to choose me, to choose to make it better, I put a lot of stuff in place. Ego is going to fight me hard. Ego likes status quo no matter how much it’s killing me. Ego likes to keep the boat steady, no rocking. Becoming a grown up rocks that damn boat half onto it’s gunnels and back again. Becoming a grown up is exciting and challenging and fascinating and angrifying, and scary and thrilling. And worth it.

Why am I capable? Why do I choose calm? How do I know I am courageous?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 03112014