Singing Our Praises

Singing Our Praises

I would like to apologize for being such a bad compliment acceptor back when. I really had no idea, and they made me happy and very uncomfortable.

Back when, I felt pretty much like the only attention I could garner was negative attention. I believed that so strongly that when I won awards and stuff, I managed to arrange to accept them alone, with no celebrations, no community to be proud with me. And then I got to feel all martyr-y. Yay.

So, I realized that I needed to change that belief. I needed to find a way to accept positive attention, to enjoy being celebrated and praised, to be acknowledged for good, rather than complaints.

I started by learning how to accept a compliment. Hooboy, that took some effort for someone who shoved them away as fast as you could dish them out. “Say ‘thank you’ and shut up,” said my teacher. On the one hand, it was very challenging. I remember digging my nails into my palms after saying “thank you” so that I wouldn’t add a disclaimer, like “it was really easy for me” or “This old thing? I got it on super sale at Goodwill” or “someone else would have done it better.”

Why am I praised? What make me appreciated? How am I approved of?

A dear friend was saying to me that we could benefit by focusing on self-compassion more than on self-esteem and this is one way to do that.

There are things that we do for each other that are little gifts we give. When we offer to help, that’s a little gift. I used to push that away, too, but now, I always try to find something I could use a bit of help with. I know how I feel when I offer help, and how useful I feel when it is accepted. A compliment is a lot like that. It is a little gift you offer me.

When I started just saying, “thank you,” I didn’t know what to do with the compliment. Now that I had it, did I stick it in a drawer or a file? My teacher suggested that I imagine the words of it written on a card framed by a color I really liked. That when I got some time to myself, I should pull it out and savor it. Another thing that is worth the effort.

I find myself paying compliments a lot these days. If I see you wearing something I like, I just blurt it out. So, sometimes a compliment is just me uttering a happy, passing thought. Sometimes, however, I want to tell you nice things I think about you, about how smart you are, and how I see you taking care with people. Or about your creativity, or solution-finding skills, and gentleness. Or about your wisdom about the world, or how interesting you are.

The point is, knowing you makes my life nicer. I appreciate that. Because I appreciate that, I want to share that nice feeling with you.

How to I feel complimented? How do I feel valued? Why am I appreciated?

This topic is a work-in-progress for me, as it taps into my Personal Doubt, but, with Creative Questions and practice, I’m much better at feeling appreciated and approved of.

How have I changed from feeling condemned and bad to feeling celebrated and praised?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 03032014

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Are You a Limelight Ducker?

Are You a Limelight Ducker?

Here’s to you and all your amazing accomplishments! Here’s to you and all the kindnesses you do that no one knows about! Here’s to you and your loving heart, the difficult choices you make that are for the best, and all the times you have set your desires aside to help your loved ones with theirs. You are amazing.

How are you these days with enjoying some nice attention? How are you with being acknowledged? Do you let people praise you publicly, or do you duck away? Do you own your accomplishments, or shoo them off with a swish of your hand?

Some of us seem to be attention hungry, applying for awards, demanding attention, always scrabbling for it, never feeling it inside. Or maybe we get a little high off the attention, but never feel the sense of satisfaction, of appreciation, of connection. Poor we.

Some of us do and do and never really get acknowledged. We might feel like “they” don’t appreciate us, or “they” don’t care about what we do, but the truth is that we are really powerful, and have an almost magical control over that sort of thing.

Sometimes, we get resentful, and blame-y and use those feeling to justify all sorts of unsavory behaviors. “They made me. No one cares anyway. It’s their fault.”

Oy.

You can’t acknowledge me unless I allow it.

If I have some ideas that I am not worthy, or don’t deserve celebration; if I have some idea that no one cares about what I do; if I have some idea that attention is bad, or that something bad will happen to me if I get attention; I’m right.

That’s how it works.

Why do I enjoy being celebrated? How do I receive accolades? What makes me enjoy the party in my honor?

We live together; families, neighborhoods, communities, workplaces. One of the many ways we bond together, to support and nurture each other, is to celebrate each other. But that breaks down a bit when I refuse it.

Why do I choose to be celebrated? Why would enjoy acknowledgement? Why am I safe to be honored?

When we are living our natural lives, lives of joy and abundance, of peace and bliss, we feel satisfaction for what we do, and satisfaction for how we help each other. When we deny ourselves celebration, we are denying our community a fundamental tool for bonding. We enjoy more intimacy when we allow ourselves to be celebrated, with our partner, with our friends, with all our people. Intimacy, trust, compassion, gratitude, appreciation.  Oh, yeah.

By choosing to allow myself to be celebrated, I am choosing to strengthen all my relationships.

How have I changed from ducking the limelight to enjoying being celebrated?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 10202013

Hooray For You, Hooray For Me!

Hooray For You, Hooray For Me!

I seem to be on a True Confessions kick lately with you. It’s a good reminder, to you and to me, that, while I believe each of our perfect selves is immutable because they’re perfect, our surface self is capable of tremendous change. The best way I know to do that is by changing our limiting beliefs for luscious, supportive beliefs.

In the Dark Ages, compliments scared me. Let’s face it, breathing scared me.Compliments seemed like little tiny wrenches of manipulation to coerce me into doing something I didn’t wanna do. It went hand in hand with mistrusting kindness, even though I craved it.

Emotional baggage is exhausting.

So when you paid me a compliment, I would deflect it with a self-deprecating or disparaging comment, the classic “this old thing?” or “It was nothing.” Sometimes, I went so far as to say something contrary to the compliment.

How rude. I apologize.

Another reason I would deflect or deny was that I thought it was noble, and gracious. I thought I was being demure. This from the person who also thought that being poor was noble.

And lastly, I hated me. Fat and ugly and stupid. Incompetent, irrelevant, and immaterial. I felt like contributed nothing but misery to the world. And I had plenty of people who encouraged me in those thoughts. I’m so glad those suicide attempts failed.

Unbeknownst to me, there were people out there who saw the real me. Since I changed my tune, I have met some of them, and been so delighted and moved by their perceptions from the time when I was feeling so bad.

How have I changed from vilifying myself to feeling proud and honored.

Here’s the thing.

Who I surround myself with is hugely important to my attitude, my point of view, and often, my opinion of myself.

Back in Days of Yore when I treated myself horribly, I found lots of people to help me do that. I had people thrilled to criticize my appearance, my language, my activities, my taste, my feelings, my other friends.

I have walked away from whole groups of friends twice in my life. Wow, that was challenging. And I was lonesome for a while, but each time I also stopped abusing myself as much. I found people to befriend who were much kinder, more loving, more celebratory. And a few who really did love me from the previous groups came back.

When I stop abusing me, and start to honor me, in all my attributes and accomplishments, I find people who appreciate me and want to honor me, too, and I find that I want to honor them, as well.

How have I changed from treating us harshly to treating us with honor and respect?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 08142013