Whatcha Doin'?

Whatcha Doin’?

I think it’s so funny that so much of how we are is about what we spend our time doing; things we think are fun, things we think are hard, things we love, and other stuff maybe not so much.

We have so many ways of doing all that stuff. We do some of it alone, we do some of it together. Sometimes we do it alone with others all around.

I can tell you this, when I feel engaged, whatever I’m doing is more enjoyable. I like to do stuff with you.

One of my teachers would draw the distinction between withdrawing and isolating. When we withdraw, we recharge our batteries, we regroup, we marshal our thoughts. We emerge stronger and clearer, and feeling like re-engaging.

On the other hand, when we isolate, we are often in hiding. We are trying to feel safe, or looking for temporary relief. Isolating ourselves doesn’t really help.

Sometimes I need big chunks of alone-time. Most of the time, little chunks of alone-time are sufficient. I use that time for contemplation, or just thinking about stuff. I figure things out, I find solutions. And, of course, do stuff.

And yet, for example, even though I am alone when I write you each day, I feel connected to you. I feel engaged with you, I feel presence in our community. Even though I’m alone when I practice my qigong, I feel a part of a large community. Even though I spend most of my sacred porch-time alone, I feel connected to my neighborhood.

Being engaged, involved, and connected is enlivening and energizing. Feeling engaged is interesting. I get curious about what will happen next. Curiosity is a by-product of engagement. Support is a by-product of engagement. So are love, creativity, openness, and aliveness, to name a few. Relaxing into these feelings, allowing our thoughts to be of this kind, brings us back to our natural lives, and isn’t that nice.

Sometimes we force ourselves to be in a group. Yuck. That isn’t being included, it’s not engaging. We feel unnatural, we say weird stuff, or get overly emotional, or really shut down. We feel horrible. We often feel super vulnerable and raw, and want to take everything personally. We get really defensive or self-protective and offensive.

If we can identify the first time when we experienced that, and integrate it, we can get back to our natural life of delight. Sitting at the wall of our icky stuff is uncomfortable, but so gratifying when the wall melts away, and so nice to have all that fresh, cleared out space.

Sometimes, when we are trying something new, we are inclined to hold back. When we can find one person to connect to, one person to engage with, we crack open that door of new experience, and can often find ourselves in the midst of a wonderful adventure we never could have imagined, much less imagined enjoying.

How have I changed from fearing change and involvement, to embracing the opportunities?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 01192015

Want-Power

Want-Power

Why do I like what I do? This is a challenging question for a bunch of us. We don’t like what we do, or we feel ashamed or guilty about what we do. Or we feel like we aren’t living up to our potential, or we feel like fakes. Oh, there are lots of things we think and feel about what we do.

So what do we do about what we do?

I was really fortunate in that I had a wonderful teacher who told me what to do, or what to stop doing, and I mostly did what she said. It was great. It was also scary and challenging. But I did it.

There were several tricks I used that really helped. When I was looking for the “real” job, I would “act as if” I already had a real job, and not my 3 cool but crappy part time jobs. I would act as if I already knew how to dress for corporate America, as if I knew how to interview. I looked into these things, and made some changes and adjustments. Deciding first to act as if really helped me.

When looking to change other circumstances; habits, activities, unsupportive friendships; I decided I might not have all the answers and asked for help from people who seemed to get it. I tended to get similar kinds of advice from them all about a specific topic. Then, and this was the important part, I would do what they suggested. Novel concept.

The third trick, and maybe the most important trick, and one we will be working on our whole, happy lives, is knowing what I want.

How do I know what I want?

I cannot make a sustainable change if I don’t know what I want to change to.

The most effective internal piece is not will power, it’s want power. But I cannot harness my want power unless I know what I want.

For years I would cry, “But I don’t know what I want!” And my beloved teacher would say, “You do know.” Oh, she made me so mad! (I know. We can dissect that sentence later.)  And so I had to learn to stop, and think about what I wanted. I could sometimes get there by writing out my list of Don’t Wants and then kind of look at the shape of that list to get some hints about what I did want.

Sometimes, I would start with the list of little wants and then grow it.

Sometimes I would write a Be-Do-Have list. I love those! They are interesting and kind of challenging. The rule is simple. Write one hundred things you want to be, one hundred things you want to do, and one hundred things you want to have. As you accomplish, achieve, or acquire something on one of the lists, you cross it out and add a new thing. Hmm. Maybe it’s time for a new Be-Do-Have accounting!

When I have identified a big want, I can use want power to make that dream come true. I want to go on a trip more than I want that thing, for example. I want to feel slim more than I want that extra piece of cake. I want that task accomplished more than I want to play video games. You see what I’m getting at.

How have I changed from trying to use willpower to being successful with want-power?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 02032015

Feeling and Doing

Feeling and Doing

Doing stuff is something we are all really good at. We are doing stuff all the time, important stuff, dumb stuff, stuff that moves us forward, stuff that passes the time. We can’t get away without doing stuff, but boyoboy, can doing get us in trouble.

Doing stuff, how we feel about the stuff we do, the judgments we make about the stuff we do, all come from out thoughts.

Verbing is neutral. We plunk value judgments on stuff all the time, based on our views of the world. We have ideas about what we consume, what we discard, we have ideas about hobbies, activities, jobs and occupations. We have ideas about how tasks should be done, even whether they should be done.

We have ideas about how we should express our spirit, our emotions, our physical presence, and these ideas often clash. We judge each other, praise each other, shame each other, laud each other.

Not only that, but we do the same; judge, praise, shame, and laud our own selves for the stuff we do. It’s like, what is the difference between a pass time and wasting time? Just the judgment.

How am I occupied? Why do I like what I do? What makes me feel productive? How am I satisfied?

Many of us work for a living, some of us are stay-at-home parents, or spouses. Some of us are retired, or in school, or looking for an occupation, but however it goes, we fill our days with doing.

Doing is a great way to progress toward our dreams and goals. Having dreams and goals is part of being a grownup. They give shape to our days, and bring satisfaction and contentment to our beings.

Doing is also a great way to avoid dealing with our internal lives.

Say, what?

Being busy lets us distract ourselves from our internal GPS, our feelings, that let us know what direction we are headed in. If we feel peaceful at our core, relaxed, and happy, we are on track. If we feel agitated, miserable, angry, for more than a few minutes, we may be off track.

Emotions flow through us like thoughts, like floating down a river. When we notice them, and experience them, they are done, completed, and we can move on to the next thing. Experiencing my anger isn’t the same thing as expressing it. Expressing it can often get me in trouble. Experiencing it will move me forward.

Why do I have my emotions? What makes me notice my feelings? Why am I clear?

Being busy, focused on doing doing doing, keeps my feet out of my feelings so to speak, and I end up shoving it into my unconscious mind, where it starts ricocheting off the walls of my mind. And that makes me feel nuts.

By choosing to do what I do mindfully, and with awareness, I can feel my feelings as they flow through my being. I can occupy my time with activities that I value. I can reach my goals, and make new ones, and go to bed feeling content and satisfied.

How have I changed from being a busy bee to being mindful of my activities?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 02242014

Worth Loving

Worth Loving

It ‘s a two-card day! I love that, the random blending of questions. Today’s duo are “Why am I good enough?” and “Why do I like what I do?”  Oh, yeah!

Feeling good enough, and liking what I do are both fundamental to a nice life. Amazingly, both of them are my choice.

I know, I know, I was full of those objections, too.

I’m not good enough because I am too this way or that way, I’m not good enough because I’m too much here and not enough there. I’m not good enough because of some other external thing or some behavior I have.

I can’t like what I do because it’s stupid, or gross, or boring. I can’t like what I do because it goes against my beliefs. I can’t like what I do because it’s beneath me.

Harsh words ahead, folks. Brace yourselves. “That’s just how I am.” is a load of old litter. It’s a cop out. And it’s time to cut the crap.

So I stop shrugging my shoulders and saying, “That’s just how I am.”  Crappy thoughts make crappy feelings, and crappy feelings make crappy behavior and, lo, I feel bad about me. Change the thoughts, and I change my life. I have to decide I’m worth loving. I have to choose to feel good enough.

It’s the same with what I’m doing. When I hate what I’m doing, it’s a horrible chore. When I can find a compelling reason to do it, I may not love the work, but I can get through it way more easily. Sometimes I can find ways to enjoy gross tasks, sometimes I can’t. Then, it gets back to finding what is motivation for me.

One thing I do when I can is break the big nasty task into little pieces. When I break a big job into a bunch of little jobs, I find it much easier to enjoy it. My progress may be slower, but I don’t end up feeling all pissy.

Another thing I can do is layer the task with something I like, an audiobook in the background, a movie I know well so I don’t have to look at it, sometimes, promising myself a little reward at the end can be all the motivation I need.

If I really hate what I’m doing, and little tricks don’t help, I need to find something new to do. Sometimes, I do something I hate for a bigger reason. Maybe I get great benefits, or a really nice salary that helps my family. As long as it feels worth it, it can be sufficient.

Sometimes, I end up doing stuff I don’t like doing because I feel like I’m not good enough to do the things I want to do. What a catch-22. At the same time, as I start practicing feeling good enough, that feeling will loosen up and shift out, and with almost no effort, I can find myself doing things that I enjoy, that feel worthwhile, that are satisfying to me.

Bottom line, over and over again, is that I am responsible for my own well-being. That isn’t a big horrible thing, it’s a lovely soft thing, taking care of me with loving kindness gets me all filled up so I can take care of you the same way.

How do I feel when I feel good enough? How do I feel when I like what I do?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 11242013