Ties That Bind

Ties That Bind

I am a gregarious introvert. I have taught myself to be sociable and love it. At the same time, I still recharge alone. In the olden days, I believed that engagement with you was exhausting. I believed that engaging with you was dangerous. In fact, I had this very icky split inside of desperately wanting attention, and being terrified of being noticed for fear of being raged on. Heh. Not very comfy, I must say.

Why do I like to engage? What makes me choose to connect? How do I feel included?

As I began to get some help, to find some good teachers, I found that I could better determine if connecting with you was a good idea for me. I found that it became easier and easier, and it was nicer and nicer. For one thing, I stopped feeling lonely.

Now, I have made a distinction for myself between lonely and lonesome. When I feel lonesome, I can fix that by going where there are people and having some interactions, like at a coffee shop. When I am lonely, I need to reconnect with me. This distinction was life-changing for me. I thought that the black-hole feeling of lonely inside was somehow your fault, that if you loved me correctly the hole would disappear. Hoo, boy. I was so wrong. I am the only one who can close that hole, and I have to do it by engaging with me, by caring about me, by loving and valuing me my own self.

As I get better at connecting with myself, caring about me, I get better at connecting with you. I worry less about you paying attention to me and enjoy paying attention to you. I enjoy collaborating with you more, I enjoy working as a team more.

As I get better at connecting with myself, my curiosity is engaged. I find myself interested in what I think, what I believe of the world, how I perceive stuff, and how I could change those things to make my life nicer. I get curious about how I feel about stuff. About how I make things harder for myself, and how I make things easier for me.

My curiosity about you grows, too. How do you see things? I am fascinated by how differently we may process stuff even when we are so close. It helps me to remember that my way isn’t the only way. By really listening to you, I learn so much. I become more compassionate. I find it easier to love! How fun is that! And by loving more easily, it is easier for me to feel it come back to me. Well. That is delightful.

As I get better at connecting, other cool things happen. I start to feel like I am involved, I feel a sense of belonging. Oh, my. That was almost overwhelming, as that feeling in me grew. Feeling disenfranchised was so sad. And when I feel involved, I feel like my contributions are worthwhile, and I feel satisfied! Holy buckets!

Here’s the really nice thing. Our natural lives are available to us all the time. Living my natural life is effortless because I go with the flow. I am peaceful because I trust that I can manage, that things go my way, that I am capable, competent and strong. I am productive because I am choosing well for myself. I feel connected and engaged naturally and with an open heart. Compassion for you and me is just there. I am satisfied even while I am finding ways to make my life more fun.

How have I changed from shunning connection to embracing engagement?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 08272015

Whatcha Doin'?

Whatcha Doin’?

I think it’s so funny that so much of how we are is about what we spend our time doing; things we think are fun, things we think are hard, things we love, and other stuff maybe not so much.

We have so many ways of doing all that stuff. We do some of it alone, we do some of it together. Sometimes we do it alone with others all around.

I can tell you this, when I feel engaged, whatever I’m doing is more enjoyable. I like to do stuff with you.

One of my teachers would draw the distinction between withdrawing and isolating. When we withdraw, we recharge our batteries, we regroup, we marshal our thoughts. We emerge stronger and clearer, and feeling like re-engaging.

On the other hand, when we isolate, we are often in hiding. We are trying to feel safe, or looking for temporary relief. Isolating ourselves doesn’t really help.

Sometimes I need big chunks of alone-time. Most of the time, little chunks of alone-time are sufficient. I use that time for contemplation, or just thinking about stuff. I figure things out, I find solutions. And, of course, do stuff.

And yet, for example, even though I am alone when I write you each day, I feel connected to you. I feel engaged with you, I feel presence in our community. Even though I’m alone when I practice my qigong, I feel a part of a large community. Even though I spend most of my sacred porch-time alone, I feel connected to my neighborhood.

Being engaged, involved, and connected is enlivening and energizing. Feeling engaged is interesting. I get curious about what will happen next. Curiosity is a by-product of engagement. Support is a by-product of engagement. So are love, creativity, openness, and aliveness, to name a few. Relaxing into these feelings, allowing our thoughts to be of this kind, brings us back to our natural lives, and isn’t that nice.

Sometimes we force ourselves to be in a group. Yuck. That isn’t being included, it’s not engaging. We feel unnatural, we say weird stuff, or get overly emotional, or really shut down. We feel horrible. We often feel super vulnerable and raw, and want to take everything personally. We get really defensive or self-protective and offensive.

If we can identify the first time when we experienced that, and integrate it, we can get back to our natural life of delight. Sitting at the wall of our icky stuff is uncomfortable, but so gratifying when the wall melts away, and so nice to have all that fresh, cleared out space.

Sometimes, when we are trying something new, we are inclined to hold back. When we can find one person to connect to, one person to engage with, we crack open that door of new experience, and can often find ourselves in the midst of a wonderful adventure we never could have imagined, much less imagined enjoying.

How have I changed from fearing change and involvement, to embracing the opportunities?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 01192015

Power and Intimacy

Power and Intimacy

One of the lovely things about being a person is our ability to love and be loved, to care about someone, and let them care about us. To help, and be helped. These are nice aspects of being intimate.

In order to thrive, we need places to be intimate. We need to feel close to at least one person, one place to say the things we are kind of quiet about, things we often think of as our real selves.

Why am I intimate? What makes me feel close? How to I connect?

My public face is pretty cheery most of the time. I feel pretty cheery most of the time, but not always. Sometimes I get angry, or scared, or sad, or combinations of those things. I have a number of people I share those moments with. They tend to be my closest friends, and that intimacy serves me well in a whole buncha ways.

When I share my feelings with you, I often feel connected. If I am scared about something, telling you about my fears usually shifts them down into a less energetic state. I calm down. And because you care about me, I feel comforted.

When I tell you my histories, I often feel connected. Because I have told you something that happened to me, and given you a bit of information about how I am who I am, I feel more engaged with you. I feel like my experiences matter. This is a mark of friendship for me. I like to know about you.

When I am working with a teacher, my stories are almost irrelevant. My beliefs are way more important to address for my growth. Being able to let go of my stories, to know that they are just stories, gives me so much freedom to live my life in a way that supports me, and when I feel supported, I can support you so much better. I have resources to draw on, I have behavioral tools to pull out during interesting times. I own my power to impact my life in ways that make me grow, and it is easy, and relatively comfortable.

Having carefully handpicked my friends for their unbridled awesomeness means that I can see my own unbridled awesomeness much easier. I can assume it most of the time. I can take it as a given that my experience, my wisdom, my intimacy and joy will give me the foundation I need to take my life as it comes, and address with grace and joy whatever shows up.

Why do I choose to be positive? Why do I choose to be intimate? Why do I choose to enjoy?

Being intimate with our trustworthy friends, gauging our level of intimacy with less trustworthy people, using our judgment for when to say intimate stuff and when to be quiet helps us feel safe in the world. We know that we are strong, and competent, and capable, and have all the support we need as we need it, even if it is coming from unexpected sources.

Being intimate gives us experience trusting, and that allows us to trust both the universe more, and ourselves, that we will know what we need, and from whom we want it. Sometimes that doesn’t pan out, and we don’t feel cast adrift, but know that we will find out that we may need something other than what we thought, and we can be okay with that.

How have I changed from being closed off to opening my heart well and honestly?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 08082014

Connections

Connections

I tend to sit on the cusp between extrovert and introvert. I have changed a lot in that regard over the years, and feel like I have experienced both sides; getting juiced up being with people and getting juiced up being on my own.

When I am deep in introvert, engaging can be challenging. My inclination is to close off, to withdraw, and to spend my day in distractions. I don’t often feel recharged, but I do feel unjazzed up. Thing is, when I am in that space, I tend to push me to far, and feel like I need more than I can get to regroup. Oy.

Why would I engage? What makes me connect? Why am I good company?

If I am paying attention to how I am feeling inside regarding intro- and extro- I do a lot better. I do better by finding my place of stillness inside. I do better by listening carefully. I do better by staying really aware of my surroundings, that is, situational awareness, and of me, to keep my breaths full, to stay aware of my body. I learned in Hong Kong that I can be in a big surging crowd and stay relaxed by staying aware of my physical boundaries, and letting them be flexible.

In general, the more I relax, the less taxing life is. The more I choose peaceful, the easier my days are. The more I choose light the more fun I have. The more I trust that things will go my way, well, you see the pattern.

How have I changed from feeling closed off to opening up?

When I am going to do something out of my normal day, I often imagine feeling great about it. Not necessarily why I would feel great, or how, just feeling great. One of my faves recently involved going to my tire place and while I was waiting, they gave me lunch. Really. In the olden days, I would have gone with headphones and my computer and withdrawn. By choosing to open up instead, by choosing to engage, I chatted with the guys, talked about what I like about how they do business, and at least in a small way connected. Lunch was homemade egg rolls, in case you were wondering. Delish!

Because I have learned to trust my judgment, I know when it is likely safe to open up, and when I need to mind my own business. I can usually tell when to make eye contact, when to avoid it, when to say hello, when to stay quiet. Because I have come to trust my judgment, I know when I need to get off by myself for a bit and regroup. I know that when I am feeling anxious about something, I am having negative fantasies about the experience, and can address them, and let them go.

Why do I enjoy opening up? What makes engaging fun? Why do I like people?

A really nice, really simple equation for a pleasant life is, “the more I like me, the easier I can like you.”  When I am feeling down on me, you drive me nuts. Heh.

Really opening up when I am with you, from a place of relaxation, peace, and softness supports me. It brings me into my natural life where engaging is natural, just something we do. It helps you open up with me, and that connection is precious.

How have I changed from avoided engagement to relaxed connections?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 08012014

Engaged

Engaged

Growing up is exciting. It’s messy, it’s interesting. The opportunities that we get to learn stuff, to practice stuff, to stretch our edges, are unpredictable and fascinating. Each step we take brings us benefits, treats, and treasure for the taking. Everyone of us has stuff to learn, stuff to let go of, stuff to accept. Each of us has our own unique set of thos things, and each of us goes at our own pace.

Why do I like to engage? What makes me want to connect? How do I choose to be curious?

Growing up can be challenging. We encounter experiences inside us that feel like an impenetrable wall, or a huge block, or situations where we feel like we sabotage ourselves every time it comes up. Those walls will come down, the blocks will melt away, the sabotage will cease when we address them in certain ways, and there are many ways, but address them we must if we want to be free. Sometimes we can deal with those things ourselves, but it is often of greater benefit to us to find a good teacher to help us.

Why would I choose to evolve? What makes me want to grow? How do I expand my life?

When I choose to engage with you, things happen. You shake up my existance. You have a different way of seeing stuff, even if we are very much alike. When I choose to engage with a community, my neighborhood, or religious group, there are that many more different ways to see things, that many more opportunities to see things a new way. You may introduce me to new activities, new foods, new adventures. This will shake me up. Sometimes it will make me uncomfortable, sometimes it will change my life for the better. Sometimes it will do both. I won’t know until I try it.

Before I chose to connect with you, I stayed to myself. My life felt safe and predictable. Turned out that safe felt kind of like hiding, predictable was actually kind of boring. As I reached out, I felt different. I felt like I came up into the sunshine. For years I had activities I used to distract myself, or to make the time pass, but when I started to engage, I started to have fun. You taught me how to do new stuff, you brought me to activities I had never tried.

The way I best engage is when I relax in my body, my feelings, and thoughts. Engaging is a natural result of living my natural life, and I get there by letting go, by relaxing, by choosing easy.

Engaging with you also opens me up to receiving, to asking for help. When I engage, this becomes a bit of an equation, that is, being part of a community or relationship means that I will both give and receive, and if I have trouble with one or the other of those, I will have ample opportunities to learn how to do it better.

It also gives me opportunities for helping you. When I help you, as a parent, partner, or friend, or as a volunteer for my community or in some other way, my life gets that much bigger. I can practice compassion, empathy, and opening my heart. Perhaps it is a way for me to practice being generous with my time, or resources, knowledge, or spirit. Perhaps it is a way for me to appreciate my own life. Perhaps I feel like I am giving back.

How have I changed from feeling disconnected to engaging with life?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserves 07212014

Trust Babies

Trust Babies

Have you noticed how much more enjoyable life is when you are feeling present and relaxed? You can let things just happen, and roll with it, finding enjoyment and purpose as you go through your day.

It’s a weird thing. If I don’t have to make things work out, I can slow down inside. I can savor my moments. Time passes at a reasonable rate, and I don’t feel like it flies by. A week takes a week, a month takes a month, and it’s a nice, long wait from birthday to birthday.

If I’m not trying to make things go a certain way, I have more energy to find the fun in what I’m doing, or the satisfaction, or the contentment. I get to the end of my day, and feel gratitude and appreciation for my good day, and when I wake up, I wake up feeling like that, too. It beats the heck out of going to sleep stressed and tense, and waking up the same way. I did that for years.

If I’m not trying to seem smart, or fancy, or fascinating, or just trying to think of how I’m going to respond to what you’re saying, I start listening to you. Really listening. And amazing things happen. I learn stuff from you. I learn more about you. I remember more of what you say. I find that I feel closer to you when I listen to you than when I am all focused on me. And because I heard you, my response is better, we are really having a conversation.

Why do I trust? How do I know the Universe is for my benefit? What makes me relax?

When I stop trying so hard, to please, to fit in, to conform to my ideas of what is normal, I find me. When I stop feeling victimized, angry, scared, confronted, attacked, or beleaguered, and choose to flow with my life as it unfolds, I find that those feelings dissipate, and I am comfortable in my skin, in my thoughts, and behavior. I make choices that suit me better, and if things don’t go the way I think they should have gone, I am free to see how it actually works out for me.

When I choose to trust, I take the pressure off. I lose a lot of my wacky expectations. I love the old saw, “You don’t disappoint me, only my expectations of you disappoint me.” It’s one of the reasons I like to look for emotionally-neutral language to describe interesting circumstances.

Neutral language helps me respond to what’s actually going on rather than to my ideas, or your ideas, of what is going on. Lots of places in the world use emotionally charged language to try to manipulate us into doing stuff. The one I see the most is fear. If I scare you enough, you will buy my stuff, or take my treatment, or shop at my sponsor’s store.

So I avoid the “news” and scary healers and anyone else who seems to have an agenda that uses fear, and make sure I slow down to process and release their stuff if I get hit with it,

And I trust that I can cope.

Why am I capable? Why I am competent? What makes me strong? Why do I trust?

When I take on those Creative Questions, when I claim them for my very own, when I ask myself those questions, I set myself free. When I choose to trust the universe, I set myself free. I am free to connect, to engage, to have bliss, to feel joy, to live my natural life.

How have I changed from second-guessing and gainsaying to trusting and living free?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 07072014

I am a Non-Count Noun

I am a Non-Count Noun

How much is a drop of water? Is a leaf an individual? Does a cell get lonely?

What would it mean if we have existence beyond our skin? We think because our thoughts are private, our feelings,and  our dreams, unless we share them, that somehow we are separate.

What if we aren’t? What would that mean to you? How would you feel? What if our biggest mislearning was that we are isolated?

What would it mean if we all together, were part of a much bigger organism, like a cell in our body, or a leaf on a tree? Or like Thimmamma Marrimanu, the huge banyan tree in India?

These are some wacky ideas, so please bear with me.

I used to think that we were in this together because we were family, or community, or humanity, that is, the same sort of thing. I have had the experience many times now of being part of a whole, of being part of a whole with you. Experiencing our oneness. Wowie kazow.

Why do I connect? How am I engaged? Why do I feel a part of?

When I feel oneness with you, suddenly, taking care of you, caring about you, treating you well, kindly, with love, is the same as taking care of me. It is as important. When my heart breaks, I understand your heartbreak. When my heart fills with joy, I understand your joy.

Empaths get this. They pick up on others’ feelings. Psychics, too. We like to laugh about their skills, like they aren’t true, but those talents are part of how we are connected. And since we are one, working together for our well being is just what we do.

Each time I have had that experience of all is one, I have been filled with love, and light, and bliss, and joy. You do that. When we are together as one, our combined light is dazzling. The thing is, we are always like that. Divine and infinite being that we are. We just don’t see it, we have mislearned ourselves blind to it.

How do I feel connected? What makes me notice? Why am I aware.

The card I drew today is from the blue and yellow deck. The main question is “Why am I attractive?” And one of the “sub” questions is “Why would I be lovable?” That’s what got me thinking. At our core, we are all lovable. At our core, me are we, so to speak. We are greater than we can imagine.

In order to feel this more easily, we need to relax relax relax. We need to let go our fretting about stuff. We need to get out of our heads, into our nice relaxed bodies, and experience ourselves from our belly brains. We don’t get this in our highfalutin, fancy thinker brains, we get this in our gut experience, our intuition, that part of us that is language free. We have to choose to let go of our idea of being separate, and get that it’s just an idea we use.

When I slow down enough to be a part of us, my life becomes richer than I can even experience, it makes me stretch into nicer. I like that.

How have I changed from feeling you and me to knowing we?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 05202014

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The Price of Intimacy

The Price of Intimacy

We are all in it together. At the very least, we have being alive in common. At the most we are deeply connected, one spirit at our core, and at best we are lovingly intimate. In general, we are sliding around somewhere on those continua.

As we choose to grow up, our relationships get nicer and nicer. We find ourselves more intimate, closer, with deeper, more meaningful connections. We care more about each other, it is easier to be aware of each other, more thoughtful, kinder.

We find that we can stop ourselves from saying cruel or cutting or demeaning  things. For me, for example, I stopped using sarcasm as a weapon, and found that I didn’t need to engage in angry exchanges like I used to. We find that we prefer clear communication, and spend some effort to ensure it.

For a bit of mindfulness and awareness on my part to treat you with love and respect, I am rewarded like mad. I am supported. When I need help, you help me. When I want comfort, you are there for me. When I need to be heard, you listen. If I need space, you are respectful of that, and never take it personally.

Wow. That’s sure not like the old days.

How am I connected? Why do I enjoy being with you? What makes me glad to see you?

I manage to think twice about how I say things to you. I care about your feelings. When I was little, I didn’t have much sense of you as an individual, you  were more just there to provide for me. Little by little, I began to understand that you were like me, you had feelings about stuff. You cared about things, you had things you didn’t like, you had a past that didn’t have me in it. I might be the center of my universe, but I was not the center of yours.

Why can I see you? What makes me aware of you? Why do I notice?

Back then, I was kind of wedded to drama. Big emotional conflicts, terrifying pronouncements, lots of thoughtless behaviors that got me in trouble, little trouble, big trouble. I put myself in dangerous situations, got involved with people who had as little awareness of me as I had of them. Poor we.

I pretty much have broken up with drama. We have coffee from time to time, but it’s never very satisfying.

I used to wonder what intimacy meant. I thought there was some mysterious, secret thing about it. And so I would go to my special people, the ones I can talk to about anything, really be myself without fear of censure or negative moral judgment, and talk about it. Heh. Wondering what intimacy is when I am right in the middle of it. Cute.

Why do I choose intimacy? What makes me want to be close? How do I share?

When I have people I feel close to, I tell my secrets. It’s like exchanging my secrets for freedom. I like that. And I like being able to tell you anything.

How have I changed from keeping myself locked up to sharing the real me with thee?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 02262014

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Misery Buddies

Misery Buddies

I was at a big event recently where I saw a lot of people I haven’t seen this century. I recognized faces as being very familiar to me from my yesteryear, but mostly found no names coming to mind. What I did find was a nice lift at seeing the faces. I’ll take it.

Why am I glad to see you? How do I connect? What makes me open my heart?

When I choose to engage with you lots of interesting things become available to me. For one, my life gets bigger. For two, I get to have a bigger love exchange; more coming in, more going out. That keeps my spirit healthy and happy. For three, I get more experience. More joys, more fun, and more sadness, too, as we share life things.

I joke around about being a gregarious introvert. There are lots of thoughts out there about what makes an introvert. I love spending time with people, but I recharge on alone time. Good to know.

The other thing that’s good to know is what a huge impact we can have on each other’s outlook, point of view, attitude, opinions, and so on. We can encourage each other to be our best selves, or, um, not.

I used to be a wonderful misery buddy. Now, I will say, I appreciate that we all have stuff, I have stuff. I find it useful to talk about that stuff to find solutions. Complaining, whining, being offended, running a litany of what’s wrong with whatever, or whomever, negative emotional judgments about stuff, feeling either superior or inferior, paying a lot of attention to the negative, brushing off the positive, you know, for example, all work to keep us feeling miserable.

As with so much of our daily lives, misery is a habit. We start in the dawn of time, maybe as hungry or tired babies whining to go home while our mom was running errands. Then we get in the habit of feeling whiny at the store, or in the car. In NLP, we call that “anchoring,” when we attach a feeling to a situation. We are supposed to grow out of it, but sometimes we get stuck.

Giving up those things is part of becoming a grownup.

It’s kind of like we all begin by out looking for the bad stuff. Maybe it’s an old survival thing, but we all mostly do it, like it’s our starting point. It’s easy to see the crap.

As we grow up, we learn that being happy is way better for us is a lot of ways. We sleep better, we have more energy, we stay healthier, we have more fun, we connect more deeply, we find more things to enjoy, we take ourselves both more and less seriously.

Why do I want to be connected? What makes my relationships mutually supportive? How do I engage with you?

We learn to look inside, and we learn that connecting with each other, establishing bonds of intimacy, makes everything nicer, easier, more fun, more profound.

Connecting with each other from a place of positivity, love, and support is so nice. When we have really strong connections with each other, we don’t even need to be in each other’s company to feel supported, we have that history with our loved ones. Our world is bigger, and cozier.

How have I changed from having misery buddies to enjoying grownup relationships?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 01132014