Ties That Bind

Ties That Bind

I am a gregarious introvert. I have taught myself to be sociable and love it. At the same time, I still recharge alone. In the olden days, I believed that engagement with you was exhausting. I believed that engaging with you was dangerous. In fact, I had this very icky split inside of desperately wanting attention, and being terrified of being noticed for fear of being raged on. Heh. Not very comfy, I must say.

Why do I like to engage? What makes me choose to connect? How do I feel included?

As I began to get some help, to find some good teachers, I found that I could better determine if connecting with you was a good idea for me. I found that it became easier and easier, and it was nicer and nicer. For one thing, I stopped feeling lonely.

Now, I have made a distinction for myself between lonely and lonesome. When I feel lonesome, I can fix that by going where there are people and having some interactions, like at a coffee shop. When I am lonely, I need to reconnect with me. This distinction was life-changing for me. I thought that the black-hole feeling of lonely inside was somehow your fault, that if you loved me correctly the hole would disappear. Hoo, boy. I was so wrong. I am the only one who can close that hole, and I have to do it by engaging with me, by caring about me, by loving and valuing me my own self.

As I get better at connecting with myself, caring about me, I get better at connecting with you. I worry less about you paying attention to me and enjoy paying attention to you. I enjoy collaborating with you more, I enjoy working as a team more.

As I get better at connecting with myself, my curiosity is engaged. I find myself interested in what I think, what I believe of the world, how I perceive stuff, and how I could change those things to make my life nicer. I get curious about how I feel about stuff. About how I make things harder for myself, and how I make things easier for me.

My curiosity about you grows, too. How do you see things? I am fascinated by how differently we may process stuff even when we are so close. It helps me to remember that my way isn’t the only way. By really listening to you, I learn so much. I become more compassionate. I find it easier to love! How fun is that! And by loving more easily, it is easier for me to feel it come back to me. Well. That is delightful.

As I get better at connecting, other cool things happen. I start to feel like I am involved, I feel a sense of belonging. Oh, my. That was almost overwhelming, as that feeling in me grew. Feeling disenfranchised was so sad. And when I feel involved, I feel like my contributions are worthwhile, and I feel satisfied! Holy buckets!

Here’s the really nice thing. Our natural lives are available to us all the time. Living my natural life is effortless because I go with the flow. I am peaceful because I trust that I can manage, that things go my way, that I am capable, competent and strong. I am productive because I am choosing well for myself. I feel connected and engaged naturally and with an open heart. Compassion for you and me is just there. I am satisfied even while I am finding ways to make my life more fun.

How have I changed from shunning connection to embracing engagement?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 08272015

Connections

Connections

I tend to sit on the cusp between extrovert and introvert. I have changed a lot in that regard over the years, and feel like I have experienced both sides; getting juiced up being with people and getting juiced up being on my own.

When I am deep in introvert, engaging can be challenging. My inclination is to close off, to withdraw, and to spend my day in distractions. I don’t often feel recharged, but I do feel unjazzed up. Thing is, when I am in that space, I tend to push me to far, and feel like I need more than I can get to regroup. Oy.

Why would I engage? What makes me connect? Why am I good company?

If I am paying attention to how I am feeling inside regarding intro- and extro- I do a lot better. I do better by finding my place of stillness inside. I do better by listening carefully. I do better by staying really aware of my surroundings, that is, situational awareness, and of me, to keep my breaths full, to stay aware of my body. I learned in Hong Kong that I can be in a big surging crowd and stay relaxed by staying aware of my physical boundaries, and letting them be flexible.

In general, the more I relax, the less taxing life is. The more I choose peaceful, the easier my days are. The more I choose light the more fun I have. The more I trust that things will go my way, well, you see the pattern.

How have I changed from feeling closed off to opening up?

When I am going to do something out of my normal day, I often imagine feeling great about it. Not necessarily why I would feel great, or how, just feeling great. One of my faves recently involved going to my tire place and while I was waiting, they gave me lunch. Really. In the olden days, I would have gone with headphones and my computer and withdrawn. By choosing to open up instead, by choosing to engage, I chatted with the guys, talked about what I like about how they do business, and at least in a small way connected. Lunch was homemade egg rolls, in case you were wondering. Delish!

Because I have learned to trust my judgment, I know when it is likely safe to open up, and when I need to mind my own business. I can usually tell when to make eye contact, when to avoid it, when to say hello, when to stay quiet. Because I have come to trust my judgment, I know when I need to get off by myself for a bit and regroup. I know that when I am feeling anxious about something, I am having negative fantasies about the experience, and can address them, and let them go.

Why do I enjoy opening up? What makes engaging fun? Why do I like people?

A really nice, really simple equation for a pleasant life is, “the more I like me, the easier I can like you.”  When I am feeling down on me, you drive me nuts. Heh.

Really opening up when I am with you, from a place of relaxation, peace, and softness supports me. It brings me into my natural life where engaging is natural, just something we do. It helps you open up with me, and that connection is precious.

How have I changed from avoided engagement to relaxed connections?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 08012014

Engaged

Engaged

Growing up is exciting. It’s messy, it’s interesting. The opportunities that we get to learn stuff, to practice stuff, to stretch our edges, are unpredictable and fascinating. Each step we take brings us benefits, treats, and treasure for the taking. Everyone of us has stuff to learn, stuff to let go of, stuff to accept. Each of us has our own unique set of thos things, and each of us goes at our own pace.

Why do I like to engage? What makes me want to connect? How do I choose to be curious?

Growing up can be challenging. We encounter experiences inside us that feel like an impenetrable wall, or a huge block, or situations where we feel like we sabotage ourselves every time it comes up. Those walls will come down, the blocks will melt away, the sabotage will cease when we address them in certain ways, and there are many ways, but address them we must if we want to be free. Sometimes we can deal with those things ourselves, but it is often of greater benefit to us to find a good teacher to help us.

Why would I choose to evolve? What makes me want to grow? How do I expand my life?

When I choose to engage with you, things happen. You shake up my existance. You have a different way of seeing stuff, even if we are very much alike. When I choose to engage with a community, my neighborhood, or religious group, there are that many more different ways to see things, that many more opportunities to see things a new way. You may introduce me to new activities, new foods, new adventures. This will shake me up. Sometimes it will make me uncomfortable, sometimes it will change my life for the better. Sometimes it will do both. I won’t know until I try it.

Before I chose to connect with you, I stayed to myself. My life felt safe and predictable. Turned out that safe felt kind of like hiding, predictable was actually kind of boring. As I reached out, I felt different. I felt like I came up into the sunshine. For years I had activities I used to distract myself, or to make the time pass, but when I started to engage, I started to have fun. You taught me how to do new stuff, you brought me to activities I had never tried.

The way I best engage is when I relax in my body, my feelings, and thoughts. Engaging is a natural result of living my natural life, and I get there by letting go, by relaxing, by choosing easy.

Engaging with you also opens me up to receiving, to asking for help. When I engage, this becomes a bit of an equation, that is, being part of a community or relationship means that I will both give and receive, and if I have trouble with one or the other of those, I will have ample opportunities to learn how to do it better.

It also gives me opportunities for helping you. When I help you, as a parent, partner, or friend, or as a volunteer for my community or in some other way, my life gets that much bigger. I can practice compassion, empathy, and opening my heart. Perhaps it is a way for me to practice being generous with my time, or resources, knowledge, or spirit. Perhaps it is a way for me to appreciate my own life. Perhaps I feel like I am giving back.

How have I changed from feeling disconnected to engaging with life?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserves 07212014

Are You Engaged?

Are You Engaged?

Sometimes we get a little complacent. We get comfortable, and start thinking that we don’t like it when things shake up. We start trying to insulate ourselves from situations and people who might make things happen in our lives. .

If we aren’t evolving, we’re devolving.

If I am not doing things to push myself a bit, to grow up, taking steps to my best self, I don’t stay where I am, I lose ground. We don’t stay still.

So I engage with my life, with the opportunities that come to me, with people I encounter. I make choices that help me engage with my life, with new things, with you.

When I engage, things happen. A lot of cool stuff, but sometimes interesting things happen.

When things happen, I have choices. I can say, “Grr! I am angry that this thing happened.” I can say, “Yikes! I am scared that this thing happened.” I can say, “Wow. How interesting that this thing happened. I wonder what I will discover.”

I’m not talking about our instant reaction, because sometimes stuff happens fast. Feel that feeling and then move on to curiosity.

Why am I curious? What makes me interested? Why do I choose to engage?

When I shift into curiosity, I can feel excited about what is going on. I can make choices about how I think about my new situation. I can notice if dark thoughts come up, and then I can use my tools to transform those thoughts into supportive thoughts.

When I shift into curiosity, I look for things in the situation that bless me. I look for opportunities to try out new ideas and skills. I look for ways to relax into the situation, since I know that resistance only hurts me. I practice my skills, I apply my tools, I use my Creative Questions, to engage with my life in this perfect moment.

When I practice this stuff on a regular basis, I form new thought-habits that support my well being. Perhaps things happen on a small scale that require me to ask for kinds of help I don’t normally need. Then when I need big help, I can receive it with joy. When I go to curiosity by my choice, I am in the habit of looking for how this situation will benefit me, and then when a big one happens, I look for the benefits almost automatically.

I notice my language. I notice when I am saying negative stuff like, “It’s going to take me a long time to work through this.” Or “I can’t handle this.” Or “Bad stuff always happens to me.” When I talk like this to myself, I am creating more situations that do not support me. When I use words like problem, sickness, loss, fear, poor, can’t, won’t, never or always, I am setting myself up to move into an emotional hole, and those can be challenging to recognize and to climb out from.

How do I know I can? How do I experience abundance? Why do I go with the flow?

Engaging with life, flowing with life, choosing to live fully under our current circumstances changes everything. We find blessings and gifts in unlikely places. People whom we would never expect, come through for us. We find resources of strength, of creativity, of competence and capability we might never have found otherwise.

How have I changed from hiding out to engaging with my life as it is?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 06272014