I Feel Good

I Feel Good

The card I pulled today is the Why am I healthy?¨ card. I think it’s very fitting because I just finished my last round of chemo infusions and am starting my last round of chemo pills, the Jewels of Radiant Health.

I have had a lot of interesting experiences going through this crazy process, and have learned a lot of new skills, many of which I hope not to need again. The most important lesson for me has been this:  Paying attention to what feels good is better for me than paying attention to what feels bad.

Why do I enjoy radiant health? What makes me choose to be well? How to I stay positive?

Why do I enjoy radiant health? That is a question I have asked all the way through this experience. Mostly, I am radiantly healthy. I pay more attention to that than I do to the parts that don’t feel as well.

On the other hand, I do pay attention to how my body feels.This awareness saved my life. I could tell I needed help which led to emergency surgery and chemo. Good for me! I have a choice, though, whether to pay attention to what feels good, to my progress, to what I can do to feel good. I have a choice how to spend my time and my energy. I get to notice when I am approaching ¨the wall¨ so I don’t have to ¨hit¨ it. I get to notice when the numbness and tingling in my feet says, ¨Pay attention to placing me safely.” This has meant that I can run short distances. That makes me so happy! And my inner 6 year old is delighted. She loves to run. I get to notice when the numbness in my hands means pay attention to what I am holding, where I am placing my hands.

Yesterday, I was so excited for my last chemo I didn’t notice that I had bumped my hand on the coffee pot burner. When I did notice,  I used my qi gong tools to heal that burn, to bring down the little blister, and to remove all the discomfort. I have lots of tools like that. Today, the burn is barely visible.

One of those tools is the application of judgment. When I judge a sensation as bad, it gets bigger, stronger, and it takes up more of my attention, so I feed it more and the next thing you know is that little burn/numbness/cramp is huge, and I feel terrible. What we think about, we feed.

I have been speaking about secondary gains, and they are really important to understand. It is one of the mechanisms our ego system uses to keep us where we are.

Secondary gains are the ¨nice¨ things that happen because we stay stuck in our bad place. I may feel like I don’t deserve to be taken care of unless I am in bad shape. I may feel like I don’t deserve help unless I simply can’t take care of me. I may feel like I only deserve good things if I pay for them in bad circumstances.

Letting go of secondary gains takes courage and trust. It’s a classic leap of faith. A leap of faith is that moment when we really change our thinking and allow for a new reality. I get goosebumps thinking about it!

How have I change from focusing on what’s wrong with me to appreciating what is right with me?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2015 all rights reserved 01152015

I’ll Tell You What I Want, What I Really, Really Want

I’ll Tell You What I Want, What I Really, Really Want

This topic has been showing up a lot around me lately, always a good cue to do a little writing. The card is one of my favorites, Why can I choose?

This act, the act of choice, is what makes the difference between a sucky life and a happy life.

I have been seeing articles claiming that positive thinking is bad. Seriously. That happiness is overrated. These articles seem to promote sour grapes, and they both have very interesting, and erroneous takes on both positivity and happiness.

Why can I choose? Why I can choose to be miserable, why I can choose to feel good?

Positive thinking is not daydreaming about the future. It is not pretending things are other than they are. It is not living in Cloud Cuckoo Land. Positive thinking is the difference between “I can’t” and “I can.” Positive thinking is relaxed. Positive thinking flows from gratitude and appreciation.

Happiness is not pie-in-the-sky thinking based on outside stuff, but rather it is connecting with our perfect selves deep inside and finding the peace and joy that are already there.

If I am miserable, I am not present, I am not aware, I am in my head thinking, “Things should be different,” but often not having any idea what different would even look like.

And there, as the saying goes, is the rub.

Dissatisfaction is often best friends with “I don’t know,” as in, “What would make me feel better?” “I don’t know.” “What would be more satisfying?” “I don’t know.” And so on.

That little phrase, I don’t know, is a killer. Thing is, we do know. Thing is, we have to take the time, care enough about our well being, to go looking for the answers. They are all there, inside us.

What do I want? What makes me feel good? How do I know what I desire? Why can I choose? Why do I choose?

In making the transition from miserable to happy, I had to choose a lot. I had to do a lot of soul searching. I had to make some challenging, life changing decisions. I chose to leave my entire community not once, but twice. I chose to change my life style. I had to choose to act, to impose some discipline on my life. These were not easy to do, but they were simple, and the impact they had on how I felt and how I behaved with my loved ones was huge.

I need to spend time thinking about what would make me feel better. As I am going through chemo, there are days when I am having a lot of distracting sensation. I have days when I am really tired. At the same time, I don’t have days when I can find nothing to appreciate, to be grateful for. Since this whole shebang started, I’ve had two bad days. That is by choice, and by action. One of the questions I ask on those days is “How do I feel good?” Then I inventory the parts of my body that feel fine. Why am I responsible for how I feel? How do I take responsibility for me? What makes me accountable?

By owning that I choose this or that, I give myself the power to change those choices to ones that support me. And when I am taking care of me, I am a better friend to you, too.

How have I changed from denying my choice to choosing to act on what I want?

© Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 11/03/2014

Semantics: Friend or Foe

Semantics: Friend or Foe

Semantics. Attitudes. Thinking about these a lot lately. How the higher the quality of our semantics, and the better our attitudes, the better our quality of life. Judgment fits in there, too. Stuff that happens is neutral until we put our judgment on it, and then, whammy. Judgment isn’t Truth, it’s an opinion, and that means we can change our minds about it.

Semantics is, simply put, the meanings we attach to words. When we use words, we have feelings about them. In fact, some researchers say that we have an emotional response to every single thought we think, even the unconscious ones.

If I want to improve the quality of my life, I need to pay attention to my semantics. For example, as I am flowing with this chemo stuff, I do not feel like a warrior. When I am a warrior, I need an enemy, and creating an enemy gives that enemy power. My power. Ha! I wanna keep my power, thank you very much. I certainly don’t wanna give it to a disease or to symptoms.

I know a lot of people disagree with me on that one. I think they think that the word “warrior” sounds fierce and tough. For me, it’s not a positive, as long as I have to have an enemy.

Additionally, I do not feel like a survivor, even though I was hours away from death. I thrive. I thrive in my spirit, in my relationships. I thrive in my thoughts. I thrive in my choices.

I choose to use other words than “pain.” Pain has a lot of negative associations for me. It is a rich, full word that I have used to describe everything from self-harm to bad back problems to broken hearted misery to being batshit crazy. Using this word for me is very low vibrations. I like high vibrations.

Why do I choose to be happy? How do I choose to be content? What makes me feel peaceful?

As I am flowing with this chemo stuff, I have opportunities every day to choose to use high vibrational language that makes me feel strong and competent, capable and loving. I use the phrase, “This, too, shall pass.” and choose to relax into whatever is going on.

When I remember that whatever is happening isn’t inherently good or bad, but what I choose to make of it, I have power. I have choice. This is simply experience. I choose to flow with it, or resist it. Resisting takes effort, flowing takes wisdom. Uh oh, did I say that? Kinda judgmental, but I will let it stand.

Being happy generates energy. Being miserable uses energy. Using low vibrational words brings us down. Using high vibrational words raises us up. Having an attitude of positivity keeps us moving in ease. Having an attitude of negativity mires us in many ways.

There are days when I can barely get out of bed. When I am being negative, I feel lazy, worthless, and then I get depressed. When I remember I have choice, I choose to enjoy a soft day of snoozing and reading, video games, movies, dozing, cat patting, and other lovely indulgences. I feel respectful of my being. I love my company. The only difference between the two is my attitude and judgment.

When I notice language I use that brings me down, I modify it. I find words that might be completely neutral for you, but that make me feel awful. I do what I can to stop using them.

How have I changed from being my own downer to choosing to elevate my being?

© Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 10292014

How to Banish Negativity

How to Banish Negativity

I like music. A lot. I love to sing, I love to listen, I love to learn songs, I love to write songs. I tend to prefer songs whose chords are harmonious, rather than discordant, although sometimes that’s kinda fun.

It’s also how I prefer my life. Harmonious, I mean.

Harmony isn’t born of discord. It isn’t born of negativity, and I am always blown away by how many of us don’t have a clue how negative we are.

Here’s the tip-off: If I don’t feel good, I’ve got some negativity going on. If I pay attention, I may be aware of it, but chances are good that it’s unconscious thought being my party pooper.

Here is the most annoying thing about my negativity. It’s not your fault, it’s my responsibility. You can be a total jerk, but I have to choose to go down down down with it. Sometimes I really want it to be your fault. And no matter how much I blame you, it will never be true.

Okay, so here is one of my relatively new, dynamic, life-changing beliefs. I believe that part of what we are here for is to grow up. That suffering and misery are optional, and that becoming an adult means learning to grow past misery, past suffering. It doesn’t mean really icky stuff won’t happen, it means that I don’t take it personally, I don’t blame anyone, I am responsible for my feelings, and use them to tell me when I am on my good path or on my bad path.

I also believe that when I am feeling negative, nothing will ever change, and nothing will help. When I am feeling negative, you are an idiot or worse, and you don’t have to have done anything. I may feel punished when stuff happens because I take things personally.

When I am feeling negative, I am giving my personal power away right and left. I often can’t sleep because you drive me crazy. I look for things to go wrong, I discount things that go right, and it will never be enough, whatever it is.

Yikes.

Why do I choose to be positive? What makes me feel light? Why would I take responsibility for me?

Why am I good enough? What makes me okay? How am I clear?

How do I feel when I am peaceful? How do I feel when I surrender? How do I feel when I am relaxed?

What happens when you slow down a bit and really ask those Questions? How does your body feel different? What emotions are you having? Do you like it?

I have been making choices like this for a long time now. A lot of it was trial and error, and that’s one of the reasons I decided to write this stuff down, so you might find it easier. You deserve a nice life. You deserve some soul-happiness, and enjoyment. You deserve smiles that come from your heart.

How have I changed from seeking the cloud to rejoicing in the silver lining?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04042014

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