A Part Of or Apart From?

A Part Of or Apart From?

The card I pulled today was “Why am I wanted?” What an interesting kettle of fish that one is!

You may never have had this issue, but it sure was a ginormous one for me. Feeling valued for my being, rather than my doing, was something I longed for, and very rarely felt.

We all want attention, okay, maybe not northwoods hermits, or other fringe-ers, but for most of us, attention is nice. The wacky thing is that, for many of us, if we can’t get the positive attention we want, we go for negative attention.  Ow.

I will say this over and over and over again until we get it. When we are doing something like going for negative attention, or making awful choices, or being in denial about something, it is NOT OUR FAULT. No blame, no fault. Our behavior is based on our beliefs and mislearnings; we are doing the very best we can in challenging circumstances.

Now, once we get that we are going for negative attention, or making awful choices, or being in denial about something, then we can take responsibility to change our thoughts, examine and replace beliefs that do not support us, and unchoose our mislearnings.

That negative attention one was big for me. I was a past master of negative attention. In addition to feeling like all I got was negative attention, I also felt on the outside. All. The. Time. Excluded with a giant X.

I also felt like a freak. I felt like no one understood me. I felt isolated, and trapped, and forlorn. I will tell you, that had way more to do with my feelings than the world. The Universe loves me, and was just waiting for me to notice.

Why am I wanted? What makes me feel a part of? How am I included?

When I was doing the drugs and alcohol thing, I was surrounded by people most of the time, but always felt apart from, never a part of. It got better when I stopped medicating and went to AA and Alanon. It got way better when I found my best teacher. She was a therapist, and the eighth one I tried. We worked together for twenty years.

Until I feel like I can belong somewhere I want to belong, it simply won’t happen, regardless of how the people in that somewhere feel about me. I might be in that space, but I will feel like an interloper until I choose to feel like I belong.

How do I feel when I belong? What makes me connect? How do I engage?

When I feel like a toxic waste dump, I pretty much am not going to want to connect or engage with anyone who isn’t. I may want them to rescue me. They can’t. They can create a safe space in which I can heal, but no one but me can heal me.

When I have the toxic waste dump going on, I will most likely benefit from finding a trustworthy person to help me get rid of it. There are at least hundreds where you live. It may take you a few tries to find someone you click with, but hang in there. You are so totally worth it. You are worth the effort to create your nice life, you are worth the time.  Your divine and infinite self is waiting patiently, lovingly, with complete acceptance of you.

How have I changed from feeling disconnected to feeling engaged and belonging?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04192014

Remember, take what you like, and leave the rest. If you have found some value in these contemplations, please + or share. It makes a difference. Why are you so lovable?

All Together Now

All Together Now

Ooo, lots of relationship stuff coming up in the cards lately. Today we got, “Why am I wanted?”

Being wanted. That’s a passive construction relying on someone else for it’s fulfillment. Slippery.

Engagement, connection, relationships, trust.

Things are pretty interesting when we are just looking inside ourselves, but, boy howdy!, when we add our loved ones, co-workers, and other colleagues, not to mention the folks we barely know,  into the mix, stuff goes right into fascinating, if we can take a step back and look at it with a dash of objectivity.

How do I know I am accepted?

Feeling a part of a community is a fundamental aspect of being a person. Since inside our heads we are all solitary, having places where we feel comfortable, understood, accepted, and loved goes a long way to helping us feel connected and engaged.

At the same time, you can be as engaging as all get out. You can want me to feel connected to you. You can accept me unconditionally, but if I don’t feel it, it doesn't matter. See how interesting this stuff gets?

And we have those communities where we have mixed feelings about belonging, like cliques in high school, where we want to belong, but we also may have misgivings about the behavior or ethics of the group. Big, shiny, dilemma horns right there.

What makes me feel included?

That’s kind of the point for each of us. How do I feel when I feel included? How do I feel when I am noticed?

And then there is negative attention. Oy. How many of us resort to negative attention, just so we feel noticed.

One wacky thing that some of us learn really well is that any attention is better than no attention. Another way to put it is at least, when we get in trouble, someone is paying attention to us. And, of course, grownups don’t much go for negative attention.

So, here we go, back to being responsible for ourselves. How do I feel when I feel wanted? Why am I wanted? Why would I choose to have positive attention? Why do I evaluate my groups for support in how I want to be?

When we are in groups that have behaviors we don’t want to take on, we can choose not to participate. We can consider leaving the group, too. Why do I have integrity? What makes me honorable? All our choices have consequences. I would rather feel good about them.

How have I changed from feeling disconnected to feeling wanted?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 01142014