Faking it

Faking it

One of the topics that comes up for a lot of us is feeling like a fraud. We feel fake, like we are wearing a mask, hiding our true selves from everyone.

It’s not a nice feeling, that feeling of being a fake. What is it? Mislearning.

When we are little, we are like knowledge sponges, sucking up information at an astounding rate. A lot of it is very useful and helps us function in the world. Some of it is wrong, and doesn’t make much difference. Some of it is wrong and really hurts us. That’s the mislearning we have to notice, and unchoose.

Sometimes we feel like a fraud because we are playing a role, acting in a way that isn’t how we truly fee. Sometimes we feel like a fraud because we are trying to hide our real selves. We think we don’t measure up to some arbitrary standard some authority figure set for us when we were little.

We got the idea that we had to be perfect to be lovable, but what constituted perfection was never clearly defined beyond “better than we are.” We learned that we had to be the best, somehow, even though there is always someone who might be better. We strove for best-ness, and maybe even won stuff for it, but it never got in, never made us feel good about ourselves, or accomplished, only like we had to try harder. Gah! How exhausting!

Sometimes we feel like frauds because our feelings don’t seem to match the way other people seem to feel. We think there is something wrong with us because we don’t buy into the idea that life sucks. When we are surrounded by whiny, complaining media, critical, down-putting grimsters, it’s challenging to trust our feelings, our inclination to look for the light at the end of the tunnel, the silver lining, the brass ring. When people talk about our attitude of positivity, they often sound like they are talking about a rare disease. No wonder we feel weird.

Why am I right? How am I authentic? What makes me positive? How do I choose?

One of the milestones of becoming a grownup is relying more on our internal perception of ourselves than on the outside data we get. Now, there is an old saw I like, “If one person tells you that you have a tail, ignore him. If five people tell you that you have a tail, you might wanna turn around and look.” In Chinese astrology, I am a fire monkey, and I love to be silly and play, so I kind of like the idea of having a tail, but I think you get the point. If I hear the same thing over and over about my behavior, I might wanna take a look. On the other hand, it may be that I am right.

Sometimes we feel like a fraud because we are denying our current reality. We do a lot to create our realities, we have old habits, we have old beliefs and ideas about how the world goes, but all we need to do is think of a time when our life turned upside down to get a sense of how fragile that idea of reality is.

Why am I creative? What makes me decide? Why do I support me? How do I choose?

Sometimes being positive is about being vulnerable, maybe having some challenging feelings. We need to be aware of falling into those feelings, letting them take over, but letting them flow through will leave us feeling cleaned out, clearer.

How have I changed from feeling like a fraud to knowing I am my own, authentic self?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 09092014