The Wonderful Surprise

The Wonderful Surprise

Do you have any idea what a difference you make? Do you have any idea what sort of an impact you have on the people around you?

Your contributions are uniquely yours, you know. The basic task may be one thing, but you bring something special to it, and we value that, even if we don’t say so.

Getting to know you is fun, too, because you’ve led an interesting life, you have interesting thoughts about things, and you are just fun to be around.

Do you know that? Do you appreciate those qualities in yourself? If you stop for a moment, and really look at yourself, do you see the wonderful gift you are? Do you see the contributions you make to the world?

Why do you enjoy and appreciate your own company?

So many of us don’t. We find ourselves saying awful things to ourselves, a constant thrum of negative emotional judgments on ourselves. We are often repeating horrible things we heard as children, not even directed at us, but things that seemed like they might apply. We may not even be aware that our internal dialog is so negative; sometimes it’s just out of our conscious awareness.

So we slow down a bit. We take some time to breathe, to relax, to notice the kind of trash talk we are ladling onto our own heads, and we turn it around. Maybe we take some time to think about stuff we like about ourselves. What makes me like me?

Sometimes, we pretend that we like ourselves. That takes it to another level. We need to notice that we are pretending, and then we can start to heal our relationship with ourselves.

Sometimes, we hate ourselves, and project that hatred out onto the world, perhaps onto our family, or our community, or some random group of people. And we blame them for our feelings.

As we grow up, we find ourselves more and more willing, even eager, to take responsibility for ourselves. As we grow up, we find ourselves feeling more respect for what we’ve overcome, for what we’ve changed, for what we’ve accomplished. This makes us feel more forgiving of ourselves, too, and by forgiving our own selves, we cease to blame the outside world for our errors.

This brings us to our natural life; a life of easy, serenity, satisfaction. A life we feel engaged in, a life we enjoy regardless of the circumstances we encounter. A grownup life.

I don’t live there all the time. I don’t know that anyone does. But I hold it in my heart, I remember to choose when I can, I remember that, when I feel bad I’m running old patterns and habits, and that I have the power to change. I remember that I like me, I like what I do, I like my choice in friends, I like how I am with my family, I like the freedom and joy I get being a grownup who is responsible for me and to you.

How have I changed from criticizing me to recognizing that I am a gift?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 09092013

Esteem Cleaning

Esteem Cleaning

So here’s a funny thought. I can hold you in great esteem till your fingers go all pruney, but until you decide it makes no difference. You have to choose to soak it up.

Like so many other things, I create my sense of worth. It matters not how much you value me, or how many honors I receive, or how loved I am, if I don’t feel it, it don’t exist.

It seems so strange, but there you have it. I know, I lived there.

I felt as useful as dried up pond scum for a long time. It was part of what I wanted when I decided I wanted to be happy. I didn’t have a clue how I was going to get there, but I knew I just wanted it so much.

And, like all the other stuff, it took practice to change the habit of self-loathing.

As with so much, from “where did I put my keys?” to “how do I learn to love myself?” starting from a place of awareness will make the whole transition pretty simple. With the keys/wallet/cell phone thing, when I take a moment to be aware of where I am putting them. I will usually be able to find them later. When I take a moment to notice self-hate talk, and correct it, I can break my habit.

Using Creative Questions makes the transition from old way to new way much, much easier. Here’s how to do it.

It helps to be ready with things we like about ourselves when we are changing this habit. Spending a bit of time to notice three things each we like about our appearance, our mind, our behavior or personality, and our spirit, and then write ‘em down, so we can rehearse them as we are actively changing the habit.

Saying, “my eyes don’t suck too much” is kind of missing the boat. So is, “I don’t hate my eyes.” Even if you feel like you don’t really mean it, start with, “I like my eyes,” or whatever parts of you you’ve chosen. I like my curiosity. I like my kindness. I like my openness, for example.

Remember that you always want to phrase your Creative Questions with the result you want, clearly and specifically. “Why do I think I don’t suck too much?” is a very bad creative question. “Why do I love me?” is a good one.

When you are committed to changing a habit, write it down. And use a pen and paper. Writing, especially cursive writing, get deeper into our psyche than typing does. It doesn’t really matter if you can’t even read your writing. It’s the physical act.

The writing exercise goes like this:

For seven days, write down your question, and and any responses you get from asking it. Use all three pronouns, that is, why do I, Pam, love me? Why do you, Pam, love yourself? Why does she, Pam, love herself? Write each question three times, with responses. If you don’t get a response, that’s okay. If you get a negative response, continue with that question, adding the words “would” or “could” until the negative response releases. Then do the same with “How do I, Pam, love me?” and so on, and “What makes me, Pam, love me?” and so on.

On the one hand, it’s a lot of writing. On the other hand, you are worth it.  

How have I changed from hating me to loving my amazing self?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 08292013