Help From the Heart

Help From the Heart

How can I help? What can I do for you? Is there anything I can get for you?

One of the most delightful things about living in communities of all sorts is being able to help those around us.

What an amazing gift is that question: What may I do for you?

I spent so many years thinking I was Ms Independence, I refused help at every opportunity unless the situation was dire. I apologize. I had no idea.

Because the mortar of a community is the help we give each other.

We offer help for a thousand reasons. We see that we can do something for someone they cannot do for themselves. We see that we can ease someone’s burden by shouldering it with them, or taking it over. We see that we can give them a break from challenging circumstances by relieving them, or distracting them,  for a while. We see that our assistance can be of great comfort.

Sometimes we help when it isn’t a nice thing for the other person. We may be stepping on them to make us feel bigger. We may be taking over because we think they are doing it wrong. We may be doing it to try for extra credit from an authority figure. This is not being supportive. If this is what you are doing, stop it and apologize, to yourself first if you can.

Sometimes we offer help when we don’t really mean it, and then create situations where we can’t follow through, anything from double booking ourselves to headaches, throwing out our backs, even landing in the hospital. If this is a pattern for you, you will benefit so much by addressing the pattern’s source, that original situation if you can find it, or at least considering your ambivalence.

For some of us, we have withdrawn into a kind of shell, as though we wish to protect ourselves from humanity. We bring our life in, tight and small, and hold it clenched around us. We become self-absorbed, selfish, and, while it may seem like we are full of self-love, it is often the opposite that is true. We hate ourselves.

Relax.

No, seriously. So much of what makes us unhappy is clench, tension, stress. As we relax our bodies, relax our minds, and emotions, we make a lot of room for nice stuff. Like a dry sponge expands with water.

On the other hand, some of us go overboard on the helping others. We do for and do for and never do for ourselves. We often feel some kind of guilty thing, as though we are trying to make up for having been born. We burn out, we get sick, and still we do for and do for. Pretty soon, many of the people we are doing for wish we would just stop, and take care of ourselves for a while, they may even ask us, but we ignore them until we break down somehow. And, unless we address our existential angst, we will just repeat the cycle. Ew.

Using Creative Questions loosens all of this up. Why do I choose to help? How do I relax? What makes me feel supportive? How do I feel when I am helpful?

The more we can relax into our natural lives, the easier it is for us to help, and to accept help.

How have I changed from trying to help from clenched to helping from relaxed?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 07282013