I Do Care

I Do Care

Many years ago, I decided to go to Hong Kong for my zero birthday. I’ve been making big trips for those significant birthdays, 30, 40, 50, for many years now, It was a grand decision, and required a lot of happy scrimping, a lot of planning, and a lot of help from a bunch of really kind people.

I was amazed at how many folks said to me, “You’re so lucky! I’m so jealous!”

I always wonder what we expect others to feel when we say stuff like that.

If ‘lucky’ means ‘diligent’ and ‘dedicated’, then yes, I am very lucky. And if ‘jealous’ means ‘happy for you’, then the world is a very weird place.

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I always wonder what people want from me when they are complaining about how awful their lives are, and yet are doing nothing to improve their situation. My response tends to be limited to, “I’m sorry you are in pain.” But that’s really about as far as I can take it. I prefer to support positive efforts.

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Being supportive is an interesting thing. Finding the balance between care-giving and care-taking can seem tricky. That is, the difference between being there for someone who genuinely needs support, and behaviors like making excuses, covering up, supporting misery.

Likewise is the line between letting activities go and making sacrifices. I am always leary of sacrifice -- I tend to feel resentful after a while, but I’m perfectly happy to let things go to do other things I want more.

When I decided not to have problems anymore, a lot of things changed. Now that I have topics of interests, or issues, or other words with less of an emotional wallop than “problems,” I find I have more emotional energy. I also find that topics and issues require way less time and attention, freeing me up to pay attention to your sweet self.

We all need some comfort and support from time to time. At the same time we are often stymied as to how to give it. Here’s the thing:

We are all stymied as to how to give it until we begin. The best advice I got on the subject was two-fold. Either do what you would want someone to do for you, or ask the person what they want.

I have been amazed at how often being supportive has meant sitting quietly with someone. I feel like I’m not doing anything, but it’s so nice to have someone there who isn’t making demands at all. Sometimes, it’s just a little card saying, “thinking of you.”

Being helpful is so nice when we have the juice. Feeling compassion is a lovely thing. Comforting someone feels wonderful. As is so often the case, when we sincerely care about each other, the rewards that come back to us are exponentially increase.

How have I changed from being absorbed by my problems to making room to care about you?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 07082013