Gimme That!

Gimme That!

I had a curious moment the other day. reading an article by a “Happiness Expert” who said that feeling gratitude wasn’t necessary to be happy, that practicing gratitude was a waste of time, especially if it was hard.

First the thought made me laugh, and then I just felt really bad for the author. Trying to imagine feeling happy without gratitude seems to me like summer without flowers. I thought about the inside/outside versions of happiness, you know, the happiness you get from buying that thing you were looking for, compared with the happiness you get from connecting with your perfect self.

Now, I kind of understand where she’s coming from. Gratitude was a challenge for me. I learned to write thank you notes, grudgingly, but I didn’t learn to feel grateful. I felt possessive, I felt yearny, even some childish avarice, but I missed the gratitude and appreciation stuff.

I loved the feeling of acquisition, especially when it had a chance to build. The savor of that moment could last anywhere from a few hours to several days, but then would be replaced by the next desire. And by a sense of entitlement.

I was also fiercely possessive of my stuff, in that I wouldn’t let it go. Worn out, broken, too big, too small, empty, I would hang on. It was as though each thing I had yearned for held a tiny bit of my soul. Creepy.

I “got” gratitude right around the time I realized I was deep into hoarding behavior.

Gratitude may be a fundamental feature of our happy lives, but it took me some effort to get there.

I had to learn how to “go inside.” That was so weird. I mean, I knew I thought; dark, dismal, bleak thoughts, wanty thoughts, but I didn’t know how to go inside and identify my emotions. That took a lot of work. My first huge success was during a long walk when I got that three days before I was feeling angry. I know. Poor me.

Once I slowed down enough, and learned to recognize my emotions, I was able to start working on my feelings. Remember that emotions are simple physiological manifestations of our thoughts, and feelings are complex strings of thoughts and emotions.

That slowing down and noticing led me to start appreciating stuff. It was way easier to notice how delicious something is when you stop wolfing. It was way easier to really see the lavish sunset when I was able to be still.

This was a tremendous step for the girl who, when she started a meditation practice, was able to stand it for 10 unendurable seconds.

Gratitude is the child of appreciation. The more I could appreciate the world, the more I started to feel gratitude, the more gratitude I felt, the more I could feel the happiness stirring deep inside. That was a miracle. Deep, fundamental, happiness bubbling up from within, no attachments, independent of anything but the joy of life.

I am so grateful and happy.

How have I changed from feeling entitled and greedy to reveling in pure joy?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 08032013