Stress Into Success

Stress into Success

Resolution, progress, answers, solutions, decisions, choices, options, outcomes, results, success.

Nice words, good feelings. How fun to be full of good questions that lead to good answers.

One of the ways I know I have good questions is that I have good answers. When the answers or solutions I’m coming up with suck, I’m asking bad questions. The worse the answers, the worse the questions.

It’s one of the reasons it pays to be self-aware, so that we can notice our bad questions and change them before the answers get us by the throat.

We know we are asking bad questions when we stop feeling good. It’s that simple.

Why do I feel good? How do I know I am right? What makes me victorious?

Many of us feel like we are under a lot of stress. There is a verb we use in NLP that I like a lot; to presuppose. In order for us to be under stress, we have to presuppose that stress is a real thing. So we have two things so far. One, stress is a thing. Two, we can be under it.

The same thing works for the notion of success. One, we presuppose success is a thing, and two, that we can have it.

Both of those ideas are based on our judgments. I judge this as bad, so I go to stress, I judge this as good, so I go to success. Using our judgment is really important, and learning to use it to decide when it’s a good idea to unchoose stress as a thing can transform a day from an awful disaster to something fine.

When we are stuck in the past, we can get depressed. Depression is rage turned inward.  We are having big feelings about how our past played out, and we are hanging onto that angry feeling, to resentments, to shame, to guilt. We presuppose that things should have gone differently than they did, and that we somehow lost out.

When we are stuck in the future, we can get anxious. Anxiety is negative fantasies about ourselves. We may say to ourselves, “I’m worried about so-and-so” but we really mean that we are scared for ourselves and how we would feel if something bad were to happen to someone we love. We presuppose that something bad will happen and we will lose out.

When we choose to be in the present, we let our life flow.We presuppose that everything changes. We presuppose that everything happens in its time, with good in it, and that we can find the good. We presuppose that we have power to make a positive impact. We presuppose that we are enough, that we are good, that good things happen for us. We have a lot of presuppositions, but they support our well being, our growth and evolution, and support us supporting each other. We understand that loss without judgment is change.

When I choose to experience my life as flow, miracles happen. I am successful. I feel fantastic, engaged, wise, and happy. When I am present, change is change, neither loss nor gain. I am full of compassion for both of us, for all of us.

How have I changed from choosing stress to choosing success?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 03102014

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Stillness of a Spinning Top

Stillness of a Spinning Top

One of my favorite words these days is “stillness.” One of my favorite pastimes these days is going to stillness. I really like it because for so much of my life, stillness was just a theoretical concept.

I have a giant mural of the heart of a forest in my bathroom. I know, kinda dorky, but I get that feeling when I look at it, even though I know how noisy forests can be. Stillness isn’t about quiet.

On my porch, during rush hour, with the river of traffic, and sirens, and horns, and helicopters. Stillness isn’t about a lack of activity.

In the midst of your craziest day, running errands, playing taxi, meeting after meeting, loved ones in need, dinner, laundry, more and more and more. Stillness isn’t about stopping.

Stillness, like peace, like happiness, is inside us. It may be deep, but, baby, it’s there. All you have to do is go there.

Sometimes the path is clear, sometimes the path is barely discernible, but it’s there, nonetheless. Taking the time to find it may seem daunting, a lot of the best things are. And once you find it, it’s yours.

Stillness also isn’t always about going deep inside, sometimes it’s about coming up for air, so to speak, allowing our internal turbulence to fend for itself without our needing to be there, tending it.

Meditation is one way. And there are so many different ways to meditate. I lead guided meditations that produce a state of aware sleep. I practice silent meditation, zen meditation, and on my porch, I practice what I think of as open meditation, where I am aware of my externals, all the sights and sounds and smells and experiences that sitting on the porch brings me.

If the idea of stillness within the busy seems like a contradiction, think of a spinning top, zipping round and round so fast that it looks still.

Stillness happens when we let go of conflict, discord, and negative moral or emotional judgments. Stillness happens when we surrender into the flow of our life, even if that life is spinning like a top.

One of my favorite examples was during my qigong practice, when I found myself spinning like a top. As I watched me spin from the inside, I wondered about dizzy. Then, I realized that “I” was still, while my body swirled around me. My body spun like that for several minutes, and when it stopped, I, the still, inside I, opened my eyes, and the room spun visually for a while, but I was still. Freaky weirdo stuff, I tells ya. Still.

When I choose the path to stillness, I choose to unchoose a lot of things. I choose to be patient, gentle and kind with myself, but also to be firm about my choices. I choose to shed another layer of my fixed delusions. I choose to trust, to let my life flow, and I choose to believe that life is good. I choose to believe that, whatever my circumstances, I can find my place of peace, of stillness, of happiness.

How have I changed from living in discord to feeling harmonious?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 03/07/2014

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Mapping Happiness

Mapping Happiness

A lot of things have changed over the years. Cell phones are amazing and freeing. GMOs maybe not so much. One of the changes I’ve had is to go from being an emotions hater to an emotions lover.

I know I’ve used this analogy before, but I like it. Emotions are our system’s GPS. They let us know where we are with our thinking, with our beliefs, with our behavior, with our view of the world.

One of the beliefs I have adopted is the notion that we can, here on earth, transcend suffering and choose happiness. Not McMansion-hot-cars-jewels-and-furs happiness, but a profound soul happiness. I believe that we all have that soul happiness deep within us, and that we all have access to the tools and resources we need to uncover it. I believe that our emotions let us know when we are on course, or off course.

How do my emotions support me? What makes me own my feelings? Why do I know what I like?

Something I’ve noticed about me is that I like stuff, and I don’t like stuff. That changes, like oil on water on a breezy day, all flowing and glowing. Knowing that my preferences change really helped me with this whole thinking about happiness and emotions.

So here are some ideas I’ve had. I am just knocking them around in my head to see what comes out. If you have opinions about them, I would love to hear them.

I feel sad when I feel I have lost something I like. Or when I feel I have acquired something I don’t like.

I feel scared when I feel I may lose something I like. Or when I feel I may acquire something I don’t like.

I feel angry when I feel I am losing something I like. Or when I feel I am acquiring something I don’t like.

So, when I am feeling clear and centered and present, I usually own where I am at, and feel happy. Sometimes I even feel joyful or blissed out.

When I am feeling one of the basic seven emotions, I look at my likes and dislikes, and, if I can own them, I can often get back to feeling clear and centered and present. Sometimes, I have feelings, what I think of as complex sets of thoughts and emotions. Sorting out my feelings can take longer, still going to my current likes and dislikes really helps.

Sometimes I feel crazy.

That feeling used to scare me (I felt like I might lose my mind.) What really helped me with that feeling was remembering that my conscious thought is about 12% of all my thought, and that sometimes, I have big stuff bouncing around in my unconscious mind. When that happened in the old days, I would get anxious and stressed, and feel like I was crazy. Now, I relax, get meditative, and often the unconscious material will pop up and the crazy feeling will go away.

I love this Leonard Cohen line: Only one thing made him happy, and now that it was gone, everything made him happy.

How have I changed from suffering to being soul-happy?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 03062014

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Living Hard to Living Easy

Living Hard to Living Easy

“Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” I love that saying. I like it even better when I remember it appropriately.

One of my favorite goals is for easy. Easy, effortless, smooth. I have times like this, many more than I used to. I imagine that I will continue to have more and more.

One of the ways I have easy is by remembering that your topics, generally speaking, are not my topics. Sure wasn’t the case back when. Back when, I made your stuff waaay more important than mine, or me. I believed that I was responsible for your happiness, your comfort, and the fact that you were so unhappy was all my fault. I thought your bad behavior was my fault. Everything was my fault.

I’m serious. I know it sounds nuts, but that’s what I thought. And I wondered, way deep down, why you didn’t feel like that about me. I thought that was love.

I would wake up in the middle of the night worried about you. I could get so overwrought about your well-being that I would cry for ages. I thought that was love.

I would drop everything if I thought you might need me. Being needed was hugely important to me, all my self-esteem sat there. I mixed up being needed and being loved.

I believed that you would stop abusing me when X happened. That X changed a lot depending on how things were going. I believed that if I held you blameless enough, if I treated you well enough, If I forgave you enough, you would stop. I thought that was love.

That was not easy. It was also a great big pile of mislearning. The nice thing is that we can walk away from  a great big pile of mislearning like that and it will eventually fade away. I will also tell you that I got a lot of help unchoosing that mislearning.

Why can I relax? What makes things go my way? Why is it just so easy? How is my life effortless?

When I understand that I am responsible for me, and to you, things get easy. When I understand that I cannot make you do anything, and you cannot make me do anything, things get easy. When I understand that I filter my world based on my beliefs, and that I can change my beliefs, things get easy.

Back when, I had people say, “Wow, you sure live hard.” I thought it was a compliment. Now, I like easy. Easy is fundamental to our natural lives, right along with relaxed, peaceful, satisfied, content, blissful, creative, and connected. Easy is inside me. Easy is inside you, too. It’s just all covered up with old beliefs, outdated notions, expired ideas, that need to be cleaned up.

Why can I let go? What makes me surrender? Why do I trust life?

As I choose to become a grownup, I choose to let go of all that old, useless stuff. I choose to take responsibility for my own well being, and be responsible to you. I choose to let go of worrying about how stuff will turn out, and trust that I will manage well. I choose to relax. I choose to go to peace. I choose easy.

How have I changed from choosing hard to choosing easy?

Making Playtime

Making Playtime

How do you play? What entertains you? What engages your attention?

Being active is one of the fun things about being a grownup. Now, that doesn’t mean entering kick-boxing tournaments, although thats good for some people, it means finding things to do in the world that you love doing.

This is one of those things for me, writing to you every day. I also love to create things. I’m knitting socks right now. Sometimes it’s art, sometimes it’s soup. Sometimes, it’s hours of conversation with a brilliant friend. Lately, I’ve also been on a jigsaw puzzle kick.

I like to do stuff.

Didn’t always be that way. There was a time in my life, a dark time, when what I did was hate, get high, sleep a lot. Stopped crafting, stopped cooking, stopped moving my body, stopped reading. If you know me, you know that last one was a major alarm bell. It’s the one that finally got my attention.

Being engaged with the joys life offers us is one of the ways we feel alive, lively, and happy. Finding big things, and small things, to take joy in, helps us savor our existence, and feel connected with our world.

Why do I have fun? How do I play? What makes me adventurous?

At the very least, we have imagination. Now, I’ve known a bunch of people who claim to have no imagination. These claims were false. They just needed to redefine what imagination means.

If you can worry, you have imagination, you are just aren’t using your powers for good. If you are jealous, or have envy, you have imagination. If you can plan a day, you have imagination.

Now, take that awesome superpower and turn it to good use, coming up with fun stuff that lightens your heart. Maybe you like to play games, cards, or arcade games. Maybe you like tromping around in the woods. Maybe you like to mess with clay, or paints, or chalk. Maybe you like to take classes, or try new restaurants, or watch old movies. The point is less about what you are doing and more about engaging.

When we actively and positively engage with our world, we keep things loose and light. When we actively have fun, we stay cheerier, and are spreading joy.

What makes me connect? Why do I enjoy myself? How am I entertained?

When I was learning how to have fun, I discovered that a lot of how I entertained myself made me feel awful. I was a news junkie, for one things, I watched depressing movies, I hung out in dark bars on sunny days. As I chose to lighted up my life, I started unchoosing things like that, things that made me blue, or feel grim, or hate people. These things do not move me forward. When I have feelings about slavery or animal abuse, I address them, do what I can in the moment, and go back to the light. I do no one any good by wallowing in that kind of entertainment, and I do damage to my self.

How have I changed from hanging back to engaging with my world?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 03042014

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Singing Our Praises

Singing Our Praises

I would like to apologize for being such a bad compliment acceptor back when. I really had no idea, and they made me happy and very uncomfortable.

Back when, I felt pretty much like the only attention I could garner was negative attention. I believed that so strongly that when I won awards and stuff, I managed to arrange to accept them alone, with no celebrations, no community to be proud with me. And then I got to feel all martyr-y. Yay.

So, I realized that I needed to change that belief. I needed to find a way to accept positive attention, to enjoy being celebrated and praised, to be acknowledged for good, rather than complaints.

I started by learning how to accept a compliment. Hooboy, that took some effort for someone who shoved them away as fast as you could dish them out. “Say ‘thank you’ and shut up,” said my teacher. On the one hand, it was very challenging. I remember digging my nails into my palms after saying “thank you” so that I wouldn’t add a disclaimer, like “it was really easy for me” or “This old thing? I got it on super sale at Goodwill” or “someone else would have done it better.”

Why am I praised? What make me appreciated? How am I approved of?

A dear friend was saying to me that we could benefit by focusing on self-compassion more than on self-esteem and this is one way to do that.

There are things that we do for each other that are little gifts we give. When we offer to help, that’s a little gift. I used to push that away, too, but now, I always try to find something I could use a bit of help with. I know how I feel when I offer help, and how useful I feel when it is accepted. A compliment is a lot like that. It is a little gift you offer me.

When I started just saying, “thank you,” I didn’t know what to do with the compliment. Now that I had it, did I stick it in a drawer or a file? My teacher suggested that I imagine the words of it written on a card framed by a color I really liked. That when I got some time to myself, I should pull it out and savor it. Another thing that is worth the effort.

I find myself paying compliments a lot these days. If I see you wearing something I like, I just blurt it out. So, sometimes a compliment is just me uttering a happy, passing thought. Sometimes, however, I want to tell you nice things I think about you, about how smart you are, and how I see you taking care with people. Or about your creativity, or solution-finding skills, and gentleness. Or about your wisdom about the world, or how interesting you are.

The point is, knowing you makes my life nicer. I appreciate that. Because I appreciate that, I want to share that nice feeling with you.

How to I feel complimented? How do I feel valued? Why am I appreciated?

This topic is a work-in-progress for me, as it taps into my Personal Doubt, but, with Creative Questions and practice, I’m much better at feeling appreciated and approved of.

How have I changed from feeling condemned and bad to feeling celebrated and praised?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 03032014

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How to Slow Time

How to Slow Time

How do you feel when you feel alive? Where in your life do you feel most alive?

Have you ever heard people talk about surviving a dangerous situation, and talking about how alive they felt? Have you ever wondered why they would feel like that?

When we are in a situation of sudden danger, we are suddenly really paying attention to what is happening in the moment. We open wide to our experience, and take it all in, all at once, full sensory. That opening is one of the reasons we have the sense of time slowing down.

Thing is, that’s available to us all the time. All we have to do is choose it.

Awareness, presence, being in the moment. Experiencing now.

How strange that we should have to learn how to do that, but how wonderful when we do.

Becoming present in our own lives can bring about amazing changes, more intimacy, more bliss and joy, more opportunities. And, remarkably, a sense of time slowing down to a nice, stately pace.

Why am I present? What makes me aware? Why am I alive?

When I become present in your company, I can listen completely, with all my faculties. That means, I hear what you are saying, I recognize the significance of the words you are using, but I also hear your body language, I hear your micro-expressions, I hear your unconscious gestures. I hear your whole self.

We engage. We connect. I like that.

When I am present, all my experiences are richer because I am actually experiencing them. A nice side benefit is that I have far fewer accidents when I am present, when I am experiencing my experience. I tend to walk with a surer step, I see where I am going and what I’m doing. I notice what is coming up, both literally and more so about potential. Time ceased to fly.

When I am present and aware, I can choose more freely, with less attachment to my habits. I like that.

As a living sensory organism, we are meant to experience sensory stuff. We are meant to use our senses as a means of understanding our environment, ourselves. When I am all in my head, or all in my emotions and feelings, I am not aware of the present moment. When I am worrying, or plotting revenge, I am not in the now. When I am stressed about stuff, even if it’s all unconscious, I am not present.

When I choose to step into the now, I let all that stuff go. I feel my feet connect with the ground, I am aware of breathing, I see my environment, I hear, I smell. I am in my world, and, even more profoundly, when I take a mental step back, I experience all those things as a whole, including my own self, and feel some of the mystery of the universe, being a part of it, recognizing that my part is, at least in the now, crucial.

How have I changed from living in my head to stepping into my own aliveness?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 03022014

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Closing the Harbor on Resentments

Closing the Harbor on Resentments

What do you think about forgiveness? Is it something you do, or do you nurse and nurture your old emo stuff, refeeling old hurts, rehearsing betrayals, let-downs and disappointments? Does forgiveness strike you as something lame, for dorks or dummies?

Forgiveness was a tricky one for me. If someone was cruel to me, how could I not be mad at them? If someone betrayed my trust, how could I not just feel betrayed forever and ever? If someone stole from me, or cheated me, or lied to me, how could that not just be part of my sordid and miserable past? Wasn’t that the reasonable response?

Why do I forgive? How do I let go?

An analogy I really like is thinking of my unconscious mind as a basement, full of stuff. Some of if is nice, carefully packed with tissue paper and lavender, or cedar balls, but some of it is shoved willy-nilly into rotting paper bags, stuffed in a damp corner picking up mold.

One of my tasks as a grown up is to clean up my emotional basement. I need to spend some time there, paying attention to what I find, and, at the very least, identify and let go of, my old emo crap around you. My resentments, in general, have very little impact on you, but a huge impact on me. They can screw up my sleep, knot up my guts, give me headaches, and wreck my relationships.

What makes me dump my resentments? Why do I choose to live clean? How am I free?

In some cases, I found that I had to work through and complete some kind of traumatic experience around an old resentment. Sometimes, I needed help to do that. I tells ya, it was so worth it.

Do you know how to let something go? Is that a skill you’ve been practicing? This is a very useful skill in general, but if you have trouble sleeping because you can’t seem to shut off your thinkin’, you will benefit greatly by mastering this skill.

I am the boss of my thinking. I am not the boss of my thoughts. My thoughts just flow, like stuff on the banks of the river. That’s the job of the mind, to make thoughts, but I get to decide what thought I will follow, if I choose to follow any at all. A meditation practice helps develop this skill, so does just sitting, being aware of thoughts moving through, noticing when I follow one, and bringing my attention back to just noticing them.

When I need to let go of something, that means it is flowing into my awareness, I latch onto it, and think on it, usually getting myself all worked up and mad, scared, or something. It gets in the way of what I’m doing, it gets in the way of my feeling good.

So I will do something like, imaging the bad thoughts as turning into dandelion fluff, and blow them away, thinking “let it go, let it go” and imagining the seeds taking root and blooming into beautiful flowers.  Or I will imagine them as a bunch of balloons, and release them, imagining them floating to the sun to be turned into good energy. Then I ask good Creative Questions, especially ones like, How to I feel when I feel light? How do I feel when I feel happy? How do I feel when I feel clear and right?

I love making room in my emo basement.

How have I changed from giving safe harbor to bad feelings to allowing my center of light to grow?

(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 03012014

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