I wonder why so many of us feel like fakes. We worry that if people got to know the “real” us, they would despise us. I mean, I get it. I felt like that, too, for a long time.
We put up a wall. And then project onto it some version of ourselves that we think is more acceptable. Except that it’s kinda flat, and doesn’t really fool anyone who is paying attention.
We get this notion into our heads that somehow we are what has happened to us, or what we have done. We may not even remember it, but it’s there, coloring everything. It’s why it’s so crucial to address our old stuff and clear it out.
So, we figure if we are very fancy, or clever, or odd, or outrageous, or bookish, or shy, or something else, people will pay attention to that, and miss the fact that we are so damaged. We hate ourselves way more than anyone else would bother to, for the most part, and that just breaks my heart.
We may indulge in self-destructive behaviors. Sometimes it’s outside things like dangerous driving, or shoplifting. One of mine was cutting through alleys downtown at night. (Until a kind-of scary man in an alley one night stopped me, and scolded me and made me promise never to do it again.) Sometimes we hurt our physical bodies with our diets, too much or too little, or drugs or booze, or over-exercising, sometimes we cut or burn or hit ourselves.
Sometimes we get into being-abused relationships. Often we pretend they aren’t. That gets so wacky. We may say to ourselves, “Well, I’m not being beaten, so this isn’t abusive.” even though we are being emotionally abused, or neglected. We absolve ourselves of all self-responsibility.
Sometimes we get into abusing relationships. Often we will pretend they aren’t. We may say to ourselves, “My partner made me hit or shove or poke or lock up or whatever him/her.” We absolve ourselves of all self-responsibility.
Sometimes we turn into our same-sex parent, acting out the behaviors we witnessed while growing up. And we project our opposite-sex parent’s behavior onto our partner, even if they aren’t doing those behaviors at all. And we can’t see it. And we won’t believe it.
The worst offender in our adult lives is inside us. It took me a long time to figure that one out. I might have put someone else’s picture on it, but the abusive, demeaning talk is all coming from me, from my thoughts. It may be something I mis-learned as a child, or teen, and have been repeating for ages until we don’t even think we hear it anymore.
Putting up a front, even a good one, won’t make that inside stuff go away. All the kooky stuff we may do or consume won’t make it go away, either. The only way is to integrate those negative experiences, and practice and practice and practice changing the habits of those particular thoughts.
If anyone is worth doing that, it’s you.
How have I changed from hiding my perfect self, to clearing away the wreckage of my past and shining me up?
(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 02252013
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