The Happy Loser

The Happy Loser

For years I  thought that being happy was beyond my purview. I wanted, more than anything, to feel happy, but since I couldn’t figure out how to get there, I decided happiness was as lame as Lawrence Welk’s champagne bubbles, just for losers.

I scorned happy people.

I derided successful people.

I was mocking and bitter, and unhappy.

I wanted you to be as unhappy as I was. (Sorry about that.) I looked for misery-buddies, you know, people who were as unhappy as I, and who loved to talk it to death. People who enjoyed the litany of complaints, people who could do the long-suffering shrugs and misery-smiles, where the person seems to be smiling, but the corners of the mouth turn down in a frown. I was a victim of my misery, and a martyr to it.

At the same time, I thought I would be happy if I were thin. I thought I would be happy if I were rich. thought I would be happy if I had a better boyfriend, cuter clothes, a nicer car, a different job; are you seeing the trend?

At the same time, it was your fault that I was so unhappy. (I know, I didn’t even know you then! That’s how crazy it was.) If you were happy, I thought you were shallow. I thought you were missing the boat on how the world goes.

I was so wrong.

Misery was easy for me to get to, but it took a ton of energy to sustain it. I had no idea. It not only took my energy, but I suck up your energy, too. My moping and groaning, with no possible relief in sight was hard on my friends. They wanted to help me, but I was so invested in suffering that they had to back off. Sigh. I was addicted to my misery habit.

Are you sick of it yet? Are you ready to say, “I’ll do what I need to do to give up being miserable.”?

I decided I would do whatever it took to be happy.

My first big breakthrough was when I was training to be a neuro-linguistic psychologist and my teacher said, “changing your mood is as easy as changing your socks.” Moods have a huge physiological component, and if I put myself into the posture of cheery; square and relax my shoulders, lift my spine and slightly tilt my chin up (chin up, you know, that phrase we use when we want to encourage someone) and smile with crinkly eyes for a full minute, I will start releasing the happy neuro-chemicals.

If I slump and frown, my mood goes down, if I smile to the eyes, my mood will rise!
If I am in a bad mood, no one is to blame but me. If I’m in a situation where I feel like I’m always in a bad mood and don’t change it, no one is to blame but me. Abusive relationship, crappy job, no money, all the things, if I’m approaching it from a “nothing will help” place, nothing can help. If I open my mind even just a crack, I have a chance at change that will make everything better.

How have I changed from thinking that you make me miserable, to taking responsible action for myself?


c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 020913