Meh

Meh.

Whatever.

I don’t care.

Except that I do.

It seemed like the more I meh-ed, the more I hurt way deep down, and the awful-er I felt. I pushed myself to volunteer because I was supposed to, I was kind because I was supposed to be, I tried to be there for everyone because that’s what good people do, and I felt beat and beaten, and wondered what was wrong with me.

The thing is that I was in so much denial, I was in so much avoidance, I was pretending so hard that everything was okay that I hardly had any juice left over for anything else.

It’s challenging to care when I feel exhausted, when everything is effortful, when it seems like some horrible thing is happening every time I turn around. So I stop turning, and then I get stagnant, and then my life really starts to stink.

It was my choice. It’s also your choice.

Ow ow ow! Stop throwing stuff at me!

It’s also our choice. Sometimes I have to hit bottom before I choose to stop acting like I’m living a life, and really start living. Sometimes, it has to get so bad that, looking back, I can hardly believe it. Why do I choose to live?

When I choose denial, avoidance, and pretending, I make my life harder. I have to remember on some level that I’m lying about how I feel, so I don’t mess up, but I also have to forget, and forget I forgot. I often choose denial because I am scared that my life will fall apart if I look at how stuff really is, or really was.

I gotta say that, once the dust settled, my life falling apart was truly a wonderful thing.

When I gave up denial and avoidance and pretending, my fake life did crumble, but it was replaced with a real life. This real life, my real life. I have so much more energy to spend on having fun, addressing stuff as it happens, enjoying all sorts of stuff I couldn’t even notice in the before time because I had to remember to smile, I had to remember to say cheerful things, I had to remember to act positive. . Why am I happy from my core?

When I began to choose to live my real life, I found lovely people to help me. And I found that I cared again, for real,  from my core. I didn’t feel like I was just going through the motions, I wanted to help. Being kind became automatic, and I no longer felt like I had to be there for everyone.

Now, my smile shows up spontaneously, I say how I feel without pretense, I am cheery from deep in my core most of the time, and I don’t have to act positive any more because I feel light. Stuff is mostly effortless. Stuff is mostly easy.I feel free most of the time.

How have I changed from pretending to care to knowing I make a difference?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 10162013