Taming the Dragon

Taming the Dragon

I think it’s fascinating how many of us undervalue ourselves. We are a few minutes late for work, we get an overdraft, we come down with a bug, we forget a special date, and we feel like we are bad people.

How do I know I am valuable?

Here’s the rub. If I feel like I’m not worth very much, you will treat me like I’m not worth very much, even if you treat me with respect and kindness. I won’t see respect and kindness, I will see that somehow you treat me poorly. I expect it. Occasionally, we may find someone who bucks our system, but for the most part, we will get back what we put out. That’s how our filters work.

Dang. Stupid Law of Attraction.

What makes me recognize my worth?

So then some of us start to strive. We strive to be good people. Problem is that we fall every time we screw up, and end up feeling worthless and bad again. Sometimes, we have that self-worth sensor set to such a sensitive setting that we never even feel relief, we never get to savor the feeling of being a good person, feeling like a worthwhile contribution.

Some of us just end up saying what the heck, and go for it.

We can feel that dark side of ourselves.

Some of us fight it, some of us give into it. Some of us accept it and move on.

When I fight my dark side, the qualities I dislike most in myself, I see them all over. These are the things I “hate” about other people. I am miserable.

When I give into my dark side, I act out the qualities I dislike most, and deny my light side. I am miserable.

When I accept my dark side, I see the qualities I don’t like, and recognize that I am human. I shoot for excellence, not perfection. I own that I have stuff, and since I don’t have to fight it, I have a little more juice to catch it when I go there, and shift it around. Or I apologize. I used to envision my dark side, my evil twin, as a terrifying monster. Now I see it more as a big but approachable dragon. When I get dark fantasies, I don’t worry that I’m bad, I understand that I might want to take some nurturing care of me.

When I accept me, I accept the light and the dark. I know that the dark side is nurtured by traumas, many of which happened a long time ago. The more I feel plagued by my dark side, the better I will feel when I release my old crap. My dragon feeds on stress, fatigue, hunger, lonesomeness, guilt, and worry. The more of those I get, the more “dark side” I feel. When I get enough rest, when I eat well, have some fun moving my body, spend time with people I love, release guilty and worry, my dragon goes to sleep, so to speak. And I can see my value, I can feel my worth, and recognize my contribution.

How have I changed from fighting my dark side to loving my whole self?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 10302013