BFFS

I love treats. I love little surprises, tokens, trinkets; those little gestures that we make to each other to say, “I love you.” In fact, just the word trinket often makes me feel happy.And these days, as I am clearing my space, I want fewer things. So I really like the treats that one can use or use up.

I like to give myself treats, little gifts. They usually aren’t surprises when I give them to myself, but sometimes, this particular time, it really was.

Many years ago, I was reading a book about being your own best friend. At that time in my life, I was one of those friends you don’t like very much. I thought I was a jerk, and an idiot, and I treated me like that. (I’m so sorry, Former Self.) I felt fat and ugly and stupid a lot, and that meant someone was abusing me. And at that time in my life, it was me.

I wondered how I could possibly be my own best friend when I sucked so much, but decided to try it. I stopped saying horrible things about me to myself all the time. Oh, my gosh. I said horrible things to myself all the time. It was like having one of those subliminal recordings playing in my head 24 hours a day telling me how awful I was.

Stopping that took effort. It took awareness, it took practice, it took faith in the idea that I probably wasn’t really a horrible person. I know, but actually saying “I like me” was so far away at that point, not horrible was as good as I could manage. Baby steps.

Little by little my self hate loosed its grip on my throat, and my spirit. When I noticed that I’d said something mean to me, I would apologize, and say something nice. I would pat or rub my sternum. It was often somewhat challenging. And it was amazing how ingrained that meanness was.

Curiously, as I got nicer to me, I got nicer to you. I stopped being quite so viciously sarcastic. I didn’t need to be snide. I didn’t need to poke you, or imply that you were stupid, or whatever.

Huh.

Curiously, as I got nicer to me, you got nicer to me. You stopped saying mean things, putting me down, rolling your eyes and tsutsing your tongue at me.

Hmm.

Curiously, as I got nicer to me, I started to love spending time with myself. I was really fun to hang out with! I would take myself out to coffee, and I would treat, or for a meal. I would go to the movies, or the library, or wander around the mall, and I had fun. By myself. I discovered that I liked me.
Letting ourselves get soft enough to find our self-love is a huge part of our personal evolution. Everyday stuff gets so much easier when we are doing it for someone we love.

How have I changed from treating myself like dirt to giving myself tender love and affection?