Method Acting

Method Acting

I do a lot of self-disclosure here. For one thing, I learn a lot about me; where I was, where I am, and what I want. For another thing, I found it helpful in my journey to know that my teachers “got through it,” so I hope you will benefit from my experience, too.

For years I felt like a phony baloney fake-a-roni. I was terrified that you were going to see through me, or rather, that you were going to see the me I was trying to hide.

My beloved teacher called it “playing a good game.” I figured out when I was a kid that if I crinkled my eyes when I smiled, it looked real. I played with a tape recorder until I found a way to make my voice sound caring. My touch seemed gentle and compassionate, if you ignored the fact that my hands were always like ice.

On the surface, I was a warm, caring, loving person. Just underneath, I was cold. I was emotionally shut down. I felt pretty indifferent to you. Way deep down, I was scared to death about a lot of stuff.

I wonder why I felt like a phony baloney?

So, when I was nineteen, I had a spiritual experience in that I became aware of my “perfect self” deep inside, the self that is love and ease and joy and compassion and wisdom and strength and vulnerable and so on.

How was I going to reconcile my horrible, pretend, outside self with that lovely, deep inside self?

I addressed my fear with a wonderful teacher. It took a while, but it was really worth it. I cleaned out my emotional basement of fear, rage, shame, grief. I shone a bright light in the dark corners, and remembered that every trauma was something I had already survived, so I could integrate the experience, and move on.

I learned to accept tenderness. I learned to trust. I learned to recognize when someone is trustworthy. I learned how integrity feels. I learned to love me.

As I did that, I also learned that pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t didn’t actually serve me, or you, for that matter. It was way better if I felt something to tell someone. I didn’t need to tell everyone, but even just one person knowing my truth made my feeling fake fade.

We are divine creations, blessed with existence, blessed with awareness, blessed with so much.

We are divine creations, with gifts to give, with hands and hearts to receive.
As a divine creation, I am completely genuine, real, and, at my core, perfect. You are as well. If you are feeling like a fake, look inside for your perfect self, and if you need to, get some help to get clear.

How have I changed from acting like a person to being an amazing human being?