The Guilt-Edged Soul

The Guilt-Edged Soul

I love my Clark Kent job. It gives me so many great opportunities for learning about me, about you. I work with wonderful people, and we have a good share of fun.

Every so often, though, when things get a bit tense, we show different sides of ourselves. I think it’s fascinating, where we go emotionally in stressful environments. Some of us get sick and stay away. Some of us withdraw into our offices or cubbies. Some of us get defensive, some of us go on the offense. I am trying to stay present enough to stay centered and calm. I can do it from time to time, but I have a long way to go before I can just be there.

In the meantime, the phrase I’ve come up with to keep me light around the stress is, “I’m bad and wrong.” It’s so over the top that it makes me laugh, and that helps me get back to “Why am I peaceful?” pretty quickly.

But it’s a curious thing. A lot of us feel “bad and wrong” all the time. And a lot of us feel like you are “bad and wrong.”  Guilt is a wicked strong and pretty damaging feeling.

It’s very useful for keeping us from doing stupid stuff, but that doesn’t always work. And sometimes we feel guilty because we did something we need to make amends for. (So go make your amends.) But a lot of the time we feel guilty because we feel guilty. Darn ol’ thought loops.

I was full of guilty as a youth. I remember a dear friend saying, “Quit apologizing for everything!” And my response was, of course, “I’m sorry!” I was in a place where I felt like my mere existence inconvenienced the world so much. I felt like I was using up someone else’s share of air every time I took a breath. I felt like nothing I did would ever be good enough to make up for me.

All lies. Brutal, damaging horse-hockey.

Why am I innocent? How do I know my essence is pure? What makes me good enough?

I am here for a reason. Each of us is. We have our special set of skills and talents and experiences that gives us a unique view of the world. We each have a gift to give the world. Not one of us is just taking up space. I think our purpose, the meaning of life, if you will, is to find out what that gift is, and to give it to the very best of our ablility.

How do I know my life is meaningful? How do I know I have a point?

I used to think that my gift was to be a bad example. That is not a gift, that is self-pity. When you recognize your gift, or gifts, you will feel good. And when you give your gift, you will feel wonderful. You will feel energized by the giving.

Did you see that? If you think your gift is working yourself to the bone, or only doing for others, you’re a bit off. If you think that you’ve found your gift but that idea makes you feel sad or pathetic or depresses, you haven’t found it yet. If you think you can’t find your gift because you are too busy, or too sad, or too sick, look up, take a few cleansing breaths, and think again. Your gift is inside you. Perhaps for you busy ones, it’s showing others how to balance it all. Perhaps for you sad ones, it’s how to be happy even through great grief. Perhaps for you sick ones, it’s how to life a lovely life from your bed.

As a beloved teacher said to me a thousand thousand times, “You do know.” We have to look beneath the objections and denials, and believe that we deserve to do something we feel wonderful about doing.

How have I changed from feeling like a burden to recognizing the gift?