2Err = Human

2Err = Human

Isn’t it amazing how differently we each choose to live our lives? Some of us like to do a variety of activities, some of us want to stay home and watch TV. Some of us like to be in the middle of things, some of us want to be on the periphery.  

I’ve always liked to do stuff, but in days of yore, I tended to do it while in hiding. I hid a lot back then. I didn’t want you to see who I was. I knew you would despise me if you got to know me. Turned out I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of stuff. Thank goodness.

I felt like a bad person a lot of the time. I felt like I wasn’t generous enough, or kind enough, or patient enough. I felt like I lacked tolerance. I felt judgmental as heck. I lied a lot, even when I didn’t feel like I needed to, and I felt like I needed to because I felt sick and scared most of the time. So I hid.

Then I went to treatment for chemical abuse and figured out some stuff.

I wasn’t bad, I just felt bad. A lot of us make that mistake.

I was generous, just to the wrong people, unappreciative people who were happy to take everything you had.

I was kind, just to the wrong people, people who sucked up kindness like a sponge with no acknowledgement, and better than half the time with no awareness.

I was patient, just with the wrong people, people who were, for whatever tragic reasons in their past, abusive, and patience with their bad behavior would never result in better behavior.

I lived a scary life. I picked dangerous, unkind people. I made dangerous choices.

Boy, was I lucky.

Then I found teachers; good, kind, patient, brilliant teachers who loved me, and wanted me to be happy, and to live a life where I felt safe, and adventuresome.

And Lo, here I am.

I still like alone time, I just don’t hide out any more. I’m still generous and kind and patient, but now I don’t have abusive people close to me. I’m still an introvert, but now I’m a very gregarious introvert.

My life is so not scary. Exciting, interesting, adventurous, but not scary. And a lot of what I do, I do with you.

Being engaged with you in my activities makes them way more fun. I learn so much from spending time with you. Plus, you are fun and interesting.

How have I changed from being afraid to being engaged?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 03252013