Say What?

Say What?

When someone says, “Put out your hands, and close your eyes, and you will get a nice surprise,” or some version of that, do you extend your fists? Or soft hands, palms open?

There are times and places for tight, clenched, hard, closed. But it certainly doesn’t get us very far in our relationships if we are looking for more intimacy..

So many of us think that we need to be tough. We need to hide our feelings, hide what we think, who we are.  Why would I choose to be open?

There is a huge difference between not whining, and being tough. There is a difference between “I’m tired.” and “I’m tiiiiiiiiiiiired!” Sometimes it’s fun to whine, when we use it as a treat, so to speak. When we let it become a habit, it’s is clenching, not being open. What makes me say?

At the same time, if we have already established a habit of nagging, or picking, or criticizing, then holding tight on those words is probably a good idea. I mean, have you successfully changed a behavior because of someone nagging and criticizing you? I know I haven’t; I just get defiant! If you need help to learn to talk with your loved ones about helping out, or completing homework and such, get some help.

If we have a habit of hiding how we feel, learning to express them may take some practice, and it is worth it. I was amazed at how much closer I felt with my loved ones when I told them how I felt. not whining, no drama, just clear communication.

We are clenched when we keep our secrets. Telling one trustworthy person, saying them out loud, is liberation. I’m not saying that we should tell the secrets others have entrusted us with, those are not, or don’t need to be our burden. It’s our secrets: all the little, hard bits of shame or fear that we clamp down on, trying to keep it away from everyone that we aren’t without smurch.

And notice that I said, “trustworthy” person. Many of us have a tendency to trust people who are not trustworthy. Heaven knows I have. I always knew they weren’t, but trusted anyway, and got burned. I thought that it was proof that I needed to stay shut down and protect myself. I found a wonderfully trustworthy person; she was my teacher for many years. I gave her every secret of mine I could think of. They didn’t burden her, and what a relief for me.

I know that if you are in the habit of holding it all in, of pretending that everything is fine when it isn’t, of keeping your feelings shut down, opening up is challenging. Believe me, I know. I remember spending an hour walking around one afternoon trying to figure out what I’d felt days before. If you need help learning to identify your emotions, get it. The payoff is amazing.

It’s also important to say what I think, but not always how I think it. That is, being forthright keeps our communication paths clear and open, but sometimes, I want to check to make sure that I’m not blaming you, or using a shaming or humiliating tone of voice.  Kindness goes a long way to making forthright more palatable.

If I feel the need to shame or blame or humiliate you, if I need to shout at you, I have incomplete experiences in my history.  If I feel angry all the time, or sad, or afraid, I have incomplete experiences in my history.  If I haven’t been successful in resolving those traumas myself, I need to get good help. In my own case, if took me seven tries to find the wonderful teacher who helped me so much.

How have I changed from feeling bad all the time, or not feeling at all, to enjoying the fruits of my intimacy?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 03102013