All Aboard the Gratitude Train

All Aboard the Gratitude Train

I hope you don’t think I’m harping on this, but if you aren’t feeling good, get grateful.

On the one hand, it’s been a long winter, especially for those of us who get the snow and cold and ice, but even for you darlings who live in the tropical climes. (And for y’all living south of the equator, I’m guessing you are getting ready for relief from your long summer!) We are tired, and cranky, ready for warmth and light, ready to make our yards lovely with growing things, to throw open the windows, to breathe deeply without freezing our lung tissue.

On the other hand, feeling tired and cranky amplifies everything that is going on with us that isn’t quite right. Physical maladies are worse. Emotional states are more tenuous. We are all a bit overly sensitive right now. We are more likely to feel dissatisfied with ourselves, our jobs and activities, our families and friends, our stuff.

On the third hand, we’ve got blessings up the wazoo, or yingyang, if you prefer. Even at my worst, I had relative health, a decent enough place to live, a food shelf, friends who loved me, even if I didn’t feel it at the time, clothes to wear, books to read, well, you get the idea. My life didn’t totally suck. Relatively speaking, relative to millions of people in the world, I was living like royalty. But I thought my life sucked, and that made the difference.

I hate to say this, but for a long time, I liked being miserable. I felt like a heroine in a tragic novel. I felt like there was a nobility in suffering, a certain beauty in melancholy. I enjoyed the throes of drama, the exquisite torture of physical pain, the romance of depression. Gross, I know, but I didn’t know any better.

At the same time, I wanted to be happy. A lot. I wanted to feel like a sunny day wasn’t mocking me. (Yeah, can you spell drama queen?) I wanted to stop crying. I wanted to laugh a lot and often.

Enter gratitude. Rehearsing the things that make a positive difference in my life. Rehearsing, and telling, the people who bring joy and richness to the quality of my existence. Valuing my activities. Taking a moment before starting stuff to appreciate that I get to do it.

Taking time from time to time to think about where I came from, the bleakness of that life, and the joy of this one.

I am at another one of those points; where I feel like it’s time to let go of my former self to make room for a new self to emerge. It is a very interesting time. I’m sad, letting go of that way of being that served me well in that place. I am eager to see what this self will bring to the table.

How will I feel? What will I do differently? What are the positive changes that will come? How will my life be more enjoyable, richer, more meaningful?

By marking the passing of my current self to my former self, by recognizing that I’m hitting a new level of personal evolution, or maturity, or whatever you want to call it, by feeling grateful to that self for having brought me here, by grieving that passing, I can start in fresh. And find a thousand thousand new things to be grateful for.

How have I changed from being bitter to appreciating the gift?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 03072013