The OverDo List

The OverDo List

So, what can I do for you? How may I help? Do you know?

I love to help. I want to feel like I’m a part of my communities, that I contribute something worthwhile to them. We all do. We like to feel useful, that we provide something of value.

Interacting with each other is always interesting. It can be really rewarding, and it can be really painful. Because we survive together, learning to both give and receive respectfully is a crucial skill, and one that we are well advised to cultivate.

We all have some responsibilities when it comes to giving, and receiving, support, in order that we feel good about both sides of the equation. It boils down, like so much else, to self-knowledge and communication.

When I am the receiver, I have the responsibility to know what I want. There is an old gag, “Bring me a rock. What kind of a rock? I’ll know it when I see it.” Being vague about what you want, and then snarking at the person trying to satisfy that vague want is just rude.

If you just want me to listen, tell me.

When I am the receiver, I have the responsibility to be clear in how I want things done. If there are certain steps that have to be taken, I make sure I have included them in my instructions. Telling someone they have done something wrong when what they’ve done is simply different is just rude.

If you want me to help you, ask me.

When I am the receiver, I have the responsibility to know how much I’m asking. Over-asking is disrespectful of the person who is supporting me. Sometimes it is a set-up to try to make our helpers feel inadequate. That’s just rude.

If you want me to back off, tell me.

I have the responsibility of knowing what is a reasonable level of request, and then sticking to that. If I need more help at that point, I need more helpers.

One of the most important skills we can learn, both as a giver and as a receiver, is the saying of “No.”

In order to say “no” I need to know what my personal boundaries are. I need to know where my edges are before I get to too-much. I need to respect my boundaries, and say “no.” When I push myself past them, when I overextend myself, my tendency is to blame you, but it’s my responsibility to say, “when” and not punish you if I go too far.

When I am the giver, I need to agree to do what is needed. When I agree, I choose to do whatever, and must really step into that choice. I want to avoid agreeing when I suspect I will go to resentful. Then I need to say “No.” Sometimes that may mean stuff doesn’t get done. Let it go.

You can’t do it all. Learning how much I can get done, and then learning to let the rest go, at least for now, is a skill that will also serve me well.

How have I changed from overdoing and resenting to respecting my limits and myself?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 03232013