Faux Me

Faux Me

There was a saying I loved as I was finding my way, “Fake it ‘til you make it.” At the same time, I had to be very clear about what I was doing with myself because I also had a tendency to pretend everything was fine when it wasn’t, and that stopped me from making the changes I needed to make.

I  had a brilliant and loving teacher who would tell me that I “played a good game.” She had a difficult time telling what was going on with me because I was so defended, and acted like I was great, my life was great,  when it was falling to pieces.

I remember going to a job interview, so scared that I decided to pretend I was Katharine Hepburn. To me that meant acting like I was calm and relaxed even though my palms were wet and my heart was pounding. I’m not sure how affected I looked, but I do know that I didn’t get the job.

I started to pay attention to what I was doing, I would ask myself stuff like, “How would a happy person act? How would a serene person respond? How would someone who is engaged with this group behave?” I had to watch and learn, because I didn’t know, but I watched and I did  learn.

I had to trust my teacher, who liked me, that I was likeable. I did what she told me to do, one of the most important things I have ever learned: Do what my teacher/healer/advisor tells me to do.

I started to trust that I was likeable. I started to trust that I could relax my guard a bit. I started to trust that I could change the things I wanted so desperately to change.

As I let myself show more of me to you, I felt more confident. As I felt more confident, I felt more competent. As I felt more competent, my performance improved. I had started a cycle of positive reinforcement. Wow. What a difference that made in my life.

I liked me better when I got praise for doing well instead of mostly criticism. I found myself practicing liking me. Isn’t that goofy? I had to practice something that we would love to think comes naturally to us. But I did.

I practiced by smiling at myself in the mirror. I actually made bad faces at myself before, ugly faces, and then believed that they showed the real me.

I practiced saying nice things to myself instead of horrible, hurtful things. I could always say the meanest stuff to myself, because I knew what it was.

I practiced noticing how I felt about things. I started to be aware of my opinions, and even to express them.

I decided that, even though I had gained a lot of weight, I could dress nicely, and be fit and flexible, I could love the real me, and show you the real me. And if you didn’t like me, I could live with that.

How easy.

How have I changed from pretending to be someone I wasn’t to enjoying being me?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 03272013