Feelin’ Groovy
When I’m feeling crappy, the last thing I want is to be reminded that it’s my choice. Frankly, it’s one of the reasons I love my decks of CQ cards, because then it’s the card, and not you, who is reminding me.
How do I know I’m responsible for me? What makes me take charge of my life?
Guess who’s been feeling kinda crappy kinda a lot lately? Oh, yeah. So, I sit on my porch, feeling not-good, thinking about all the changes in my life that I’m having negative emotional judgments about, and I see in my mind’s eye, Pema Chodron, pacing in the snow and saying something like, “When you feel bad, Pam, it is a reminder that you are in a bad habit-loop. You can choose to get out of it, Our natural state is feeling good.”
Why can I choose? What makes me decide? How do I know I can?
Now who can get mad at a phantom Pema? Um, I can. And then I think about that advice, and I remember that I get to choose how I feel, I can change my feelings like my socks.
My phantom Pema isn’t telling me not to feel what I’m feeling. Rather, she is simply reminding me that when I am feeling bad, I’m resisting what is. I’m saying no to what life is offering me now, and any silver linings that may be had.
Sometimes, that’s exactly what I want to do. (Insert “raspberry” here.) (Or is it a Bronx Cheer?) (You know what I mean, that sound you make by blowing through closed lips with your tongue sticking out.)
So I feel my bad feelings, and then they move on through, and I can go back to feeling good. Except that sometimes, I get the idea that feeling good is bad. I feel guilty for being happy. As though the loved one I’m grieving, or the changes that are happening, would be mad at me for not suffering on their behalf. No, I’m serious, I do that. Until I catch myself.
Thing is, when we let life flow, our feelings and emotions flow, those feelings and emotions don’t last very long. We are a powerful, dynamic system, and thoughts are moving through at a brisk rate.
‘Nother thing is, the purpose of life is to be happy. Not stuff happy, or event happy, but all the way through, deep down, soul happy. Part of that happiness is experiencing life all the way through, just as it is right now. Sometimes right now has loss in it. And, if we are paying attention, we will notice that there is always loss, and always gain, in each moment.
This is really good news for us because it means that we can feel good about feeling sad, or scared, or pissed off, when we are feeling it clean. And it’s a wonderful motivator for cleaning up our stuff.
I know a bunch of you don’t wanna do that because you are apprehensive about wrecking relationships with your loved ones by uncovering bad or scary stuff. There are ways to resolve your ancient traumas without having to have conscious memories about them. Look ‘em up, seek ‘em out. Cleaning that stuff up makes such a difference.
I choose my quality of life, and if my life sucks, I’m the one responsible. The sooner I own it, the sooner I can fix it. And it’s okay for you to Bronx cheer me on that one.
How have I changed from blaming to knowing the choice is all mine?
(c) Pam Guthrie all rights reserved 02132014
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