From Dead to Alive
Being alive is such an amazing adventure. Things happen to us, we make things happen, we do stuff, we do stuff to others, and they do stuff to us. We learn things and have experiences, and feel enriched and joyous, and full.
Or not.
Sometimes, instead of choosing aliveness, we withdraw, or get sick. Sometimes we even die.
Really.
Sometimes we find our situations or circumstances so overwhelming that we just give up, and push them down, out of sight. We pretend we’re okay, that nothing bad happened. We forget, and forget we forgot. And we suppress. We fill up our emotional basement with horrible stuff, and turn off the light, and shut the door.
Suppressing bad stuff takes a lot of energy, and that energy is our life force. When we are using up so much of our life force stuffing stuff, we don’t have much left over for anything else. We feel tapped out, and then turn to food, or drugs, or sex, or bad behavior, or dangerous activities to try to feel alive.
We end up fat, addicted, diseased, in trouble, broken, jailed or worse. We feel dead inside. We can’t sleep, and when we do, we have nightmares, and anxiety fantasies during the day. We are miserable, and don’t really know why. We look at our daily lives, and sometimes it’s pretty nice, so why do we feel so awful? (That’s a bad creative question, by the way. Avoid it.)
Sometimes we look at our daily life and it’s a mess, and we can’t figure out why when we are trying so hard to make things good.
Why do I find solutions? Why do I have all the support I need? Why do I feel excited about my life?
Most people want to help other people, and you will be amazed with how many people and agencies are around who want to help you. All you have to do is ask.
Why do I choose to clean out my emotional basement?
Sometimes we are scared to look at the stuff we’ve pushed down. We think it will wreck stuff. We think it will ruin our relationships. We think it will kill us. It won’t. It makes things better. It makes us better, clearer, cleaner, happier. It makes everything easier. It may take a long run, but often stuff starts getting better right away.
Finding trustworthy teachers and helpers, changing our destructive habits for supportive ones, using Creative Questions whenever we can; all of these things will help us clean up, forgive, integrate, let go, resolve, gain confidence and self-respect, life gets easier, and we have fun.
When we decide to choose aliveness, when we decide to let go feeling dead, or scared, or shut down, things will change. Situations will arise more often where we find ourselves celebrating our aliveness. Solutions will show up. We’ll find help. We’ll find peace.
How have I changed from avoiding my life, to living it to the fullest?
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
The Guilt-Edged Soul
The Guilt-Edged Soul
I love my Clark Kent job. It gives me so many great opportunities for learning about me, about you. I work with wonderful people, and we have a good share of fun.
Every so often, though, when things get a bit tense, we show different sides of ourselves. I think it’s fascinating, where we go emotionally in stressful environments. Some of us get sick and stay away. Some of us withdraw into our offices or cubbies. Some of us get defensive, some of us go on the offense. I am trying to stay present enough to stay centered and calm. I can do it from time to time, but I have a long way to go before I can just be there.
In the meantime, the phrase I’ve come up with to keep me light around the stress is, “I’m bad and wrong.” It’s so over the top that it makes me laugh, and that helps me get back to “Why am I peaceful?” pretty quickly.
But it’s a curious thing. A lot of us feel “bad and wrong” all the time. And a lot of us feel like you are “bad and wrong.” Guilt is a wicked strong and pretty damaging feeling.
It’s very useful for keeping us from doing stupid stuff, but that doesn’t always work. And sometimes we feel guilty because we did something we need to make amends for. (So go make your amends.) But a lot of the time we feel guilty because we feel guilty. Darn ol’ thought loops.
I was full of guilty as a youth. I remember a dear friend saying, “Quit apologizing for everything!” And my response was, of course, “I’m sorry!” I was in a place where I felt like my mere existence inconvenienced the world so much. I felt like I was using up someone else’s share of air every time I took a breath. I felt like nothing I did would ever be good enough to make up for me.
All lies. Brutal, damaging horse-hockey.
Why am I innocent? How do I know my essence is pure? What makes me good enough?
I am here for a reason. Each of us is. We have our special set of skills and talents and experiences that gives us a unique view of the world. We each have a gift to give the world. Not one of us is just taking up space. I think our purpose, the meaning of life, if you will, is to find out what that gift is, and to give it to the very best of our ablility.
How do I know my life is meaningful? How do I know I have a point?
I used to think that my gift was to be a bad example. That is not a gift, that is self-pity. When you recognize your gift, or gifts, you will feel good. And when you give your gift, you will feel wonderful. You will feel energized by the giving.
Did you see that? If you think your gift is working yourself to the bone, or only doing for others, you’re a bit off. If you think that you’ve found your gift but that idea makes you feel sad or pathetic or depresses, you haven’t found it yet. If you think you can’t find your gift because you are too busy, or too sad, or too sick, look up, take a few cleansing breaths, and think again. Your gift is inside you. Perhaps for you busy ones, it’s showing others how to balance it all. Perhaps for you sad ones, it’s how to be happy even through great grief. Perhaps for you sick ones, it’s how to life a lovely life from your bed.
As a beloved teacher said to me a thousand thousand times, “You do know.” We have to look beneath the objections and denials, and believe that we deserve to do something we feel wonderful about doing.
How have I changed from feeling like a burden to recognizing the gift?
I love my Clark Kent job. It gives me so many great opportunities for learning about me, about you. I work with wonderful people, and we have a good share of fun.
Every so often, though, when things get a bit tense, we show different sides of ourselves. I think it’s fascinating, where we go emotionally in stressful environments. Some of us get sick and stay away. Some of us withdraw into our offices or cubbies. Some of us get defensive, some of us go on the offense. I am trying to stay present enough to stay centered and calm. I can do it from time to time, but I have a long way to go before I can just be there.
In the meantime, the phrase I’ve come up with to keep me light around the stress is, “I’m bad and wrong.” It’s so over the top that it makes me laugh, and that helps me get back to “Why am I peaceful?” pretty quickly.
But it’s a curious thing. A lot of us feel “bad and wrong” all the time. And a lot of us feel like you are “bad and wrong.” Guilt is a wicked strong and pretty damaging feeling.
It’s very useful for keeping us from doing stupid stuff, but that doesn’t always work. And sometimes we feel guilty because we did something we need to make amends for. (So go make your amends.) But a lot of the time we feel guilty because we feel guilty. Darn ol’ thought loops.
I was full of guilty as a youth. I remember a dear friend saying, “Quit apologizing for everything!” And my response was, of course, “I’m sorry!” I was in a place where I felt like my mere existence inconvenienced the world so much. I felt like I was using up someone else’s share of air every time I took a breath. I felt like nothing I did would ever be good enough to make up for me.
All lies. Brutal, damaging horse-hockey.
Why am I innocent? How do I know my essence is pure? What makes me good enough?
I am here for a reason. Each of us is. We have our special set of skills and talents and experiences that gives us a unique view of the world. We each have a gift to give the world. Not one of us is just taking up space. I think our purpose, the meaning of life, if you will, is to find out what that gift is, and to give it to the very best of our ablility.
How do I know my life is meaningful? How do I know I have a point?
I used to think that my gift was to be a bad example. That is not a gift, that is self-pity. When you recognize your gift, or gifts, you will feel good. And when you give your gift, you will feel wonderful. You will feel energized by the giving.
Did you see that? If you think your gift is working yourself to the bone, or only doing for others, you’re a bit off. If you think that you’ve found your gift but that idea makes you feel sad or pathetic or depresses, you haven’t found it yet. If you think you can’t find your gift because you are too busy, or too sad, or too sick, look up, take a few cleansing breaths, and think again. Your gift is inside you. Perhaps for you busy ones, it’s showing others how to balance it all. Perhaps for you sad ones, it’s how to be happy even through great grief. Perhaps for you sick ones, it’s how to life a lovely life from your bed.
As a beloved teacher said to me a thousand thousand times, “You do know.” We have to look beneath the objections and denials, and believe that we deserve to do something we feel wonderful about doing.
How have I changed from feeling like a burden to recognizing the gift?
Friday, January 25, 2013
One from Column A and Two from Column B
One from Column A and Two from Column B
I am having a nice day. It’s Friday and I have a fun weekend planned. I have some interesting projects to do at my Clark Kent job. I’ve had some lovely conversations, well, my list goes on.
Today I pulled one of my three favorite cards. They are “Why do I choose?” “Why is it so easy?” and “Why am I grateful?”
Can’t go wrong with that trifecta.
We make thousands of choices every day. Isn’t that amazing? Thousands. Most of those choices we barely think about. A second cup of coffee, how long to brush our teeth, how fast to drive the car, and all the routines we do every day. When there are things we don’t like in our lives, there is a horrible truth, namely, we are making a thousand tiny choices to keep those things happening. When I first realized that, I was appalled. It makes a bit more sense when we realize the question we are asking is, “How do I maintain the status quo?” It’s a question that is often born of fear, with stems from old, bad things we’ve already survived. Time to change it.
What makes me clear out my emotional basement?
Becoming aware of our process of choosing, of the choices we make, and spending some time thinking about what tiny choices we can change makes us free. Why would I choose to be free?
So many of our choices make things harder on ourselves. I think that is so weird. When we choose to engage in a lose-lose fight, or don’t stand up for ourselves, when we over-spend, over-drink, over-eat, when we under-play, under-relax, under-rest; each choice makes life harder.
By deciding to cultivate “easier” as a lifestyle, an amazing thing happens. Wanna guess? Oh, yeah, life gets easier.
It’s really that, um, easy. Decide to cultivate “easier,” make choices to support “easier,” do “easier,” and appreciate how easy it gets.
For example, keeping my car maintained lowers my stress, raises my mileage, keeps my car feeling safe and comfy. Easy.
Keeping my pantry nicely stocked with food I actually eat lowers my stress, nourishes my body, keeps me feeling abundant. Easy.
Enjoying moving my body every day with qigong, yoga, walking, and other random stuff maintains my energy, buffs up my immune system, keeps me in the pink. Easy.
How have I changed from choosing the hard way to thriving in the easy way?
And then, spending some time every day to notice what I appreciate, to feel grateful, to think thankful thoughts, well, that’s just the nuts on the sundae. I like nuts on sundaes, so this time is a great pleasure for me. And the more I am grateful, the more I have to be grateful for. I love how that one works.
How have I changed from struggle, habit, and pissed off to conscious, easy, grateful choice?
I am having a nice day. It’s Friday and I have a fun weekend planned. I have some interesting projects to do at my Clark Kent job. I’ve had some lovely conversations, well, my list goes on.
Today I pulled one of my three favorite cards. They are “Why do I choose?” “Why is it so easy?” and “Why am I grateful?”
Can’t go wrong with that trifecta.
We make thousands of choices every day. Isn’t that amazing? Thousands. Most of those choices we barely think about. A second cup of coffee, how long to brush our teeth, how fast to drive the car, and all the routines we do every day. When there are things we don’t like in our lives, there is a horrible truth, namely, we are making a thousand tiny choices to keep those things happening. When I first realized that, I was appalled. It makes a bit more sense when we realize the question we are asking is, “How do I maintain the status quo?” It’s a question that is often born of fear, with stems from old, bad things we’ve already survived. Time to change it.
What makes me clear out my emotional basement?
Becoming aware of our process of choosing, of the choices we make, and spending some time thinking about what tiny choices we can change makes us free. Why would I choose to be free?
So many of our choices make things harder on ourselves. I think that is so weird. When we choose to engage in a lose-lose fight, or don’t stand up for ourselves, when we over-spend, over-drink, over-eat, when we under-play, under-relax, under-rest; each choice makes life harder.
By deciding to cultivate “easier” as a lifestyle, an amazing thing happens. Wanna guess? Oh, yeah, life gets easier.
It’s really that, um, easy. Decide to cultivate “easier,” make choices to support “easier,” do “easier,” and appreciate how easy it gets.
For example, keeping my car maintained lowers my stress, raises my mileage, keeps my car feeling safe and comfy. Easy.
Keeping my pantry nicely stocked with food I actually eat lowers my stress, nourishes my body, keeps me feeling abundant. Easy.
Enjoying moving my body every day with qigong, yoga, walking, and other random stuff maintains my energy, buffs up my immune system, keeps me in the pink. Easy.
How have I changed from choosing the hard way to thriving in the easy way?
And then, spending some time every day to notice what I appreciate, to feel grateful, to think thankful thoughts, well, that’s just the nuts on the sundae. I like nuts on sundaes, so this time is a great pleasure for me. And the more I am grateful, the more I have to be grateful for. I love how that one works.
How have I changed from struggle, habit, and pissed off to conscious, easy, grateful choice?
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Busy is as Busy Does
Busy is as Busy Does
How do you spend your free time?
Okay, I hear some of you laughing and it sounds a little bit hysterical, so I want you to breathe a few deep breaths.
One of those super annoying things that people say is, “Everybody has the same number of hours in their days. It’s just a matter of how you choose to spend them.”
I get teased a lot about being busy. And, on the one hand, I do have a lot of my time committed to things, mostly things I love to do. I have my job, my work, I take a couple classes, I teach a few classes, visit my family out of town. I have several weekly and monthly social commitments, and the normal allotment of errands and tasks. I have a daily qigong practice, and meditation practice. I get to write to you every day.
On the other hand, I make sure that I have free time pretty much every day. I think of free time as time with no structure, no commitment, no plans. Free time is when I say, “Hmm, I think I will do X for a while.” Free time is when I ask, “How relaxed can I possibly get?”
Some days, that free time is when I take a bathroom break, or am driving somewhere. Some days, it’s the whole dang day. Sometimes, I make several days in a row of unstructured time.
However much it is, I make sure that I feel it. How do I feel when I have free time?
Things can get in the way of our enjoying our free time.
Some of us feel like we have to fill every moment with doing things for everyone else. We feel guilty, and think that if we do enough, we will stop feeling guilty. There is no such thing as “enough” and no matter how much you do, if you are coming from a place of guilt, you will never feel free. Dump that guilt now.
Some of us feel like we have so much free time that we could choke a horse with it. We get bored. Here’s a cool thing I found out about bored; it’s all in our heads! When we are bored, the thing to do is get our bodies moving. Go for a walk, do some jumping jacks, or maybe some burpees, remember burpees? The point is to get your body juiced up, tax it a bit, and that will get your juices flowing again, and bye bye boredom.
Over and over we find out that if we want to live a life we love, we have to spend some time thinking about what that would mean for us. We have to respect ourselves enough to take the time and energy to figure out what we want, how we would like to spend our time, who makes us feel wonderful, where we like to be, and so on.
Is there something you think you would love to do, but haven’t tried yet? How could you get started with it? Who would support your efforts?
Is there something you used to do that you want to get back to? How can you make room for it in your life?
How have I changed from ignoring my wants and needs to respecting my entire process?
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Method Acting
Method Acting
I do a lot of self-disclosure here. For one thing, I learn a lot about me; where I was, where I am, and what I want. For another thing, I found it helpful in my journey to know that my teachers “got through it,” so I hope you will benefit from my experience, too.
For years I felt like a phony baloney fake-a-roni. I was terrified that you were going to see through me, or rather, that you were going to see the me I was trying to hide.
My beloved teacher called it “playing a good game.” I figured out when I was a kid that if I crinkled my eyes when I smiled, it looked real. I played with a tape recorder until I found a way to make my voice sound caring. My touch seemed gentle and compassionate, if you ignored the fact that my hands were always like ice.
On the surface, I was a warm, caring, loving person. Just underneath, I was cold. I was emotionally shut down. I felt pretty indifferent to you. Way deep down, I was scared to death about a lot of stuff.
I wonder why I felt like a phony baloney?
So, when I was nineteen, I had a spiritual experience in that I became aware of my “perfect self” deep inside, the self that is love and ease and joy and compassion and wisdom and strength and vulnerable and so on.
How was I going to reconcile my horrible, pretend, outside self with that lovely, deep inside self?
I addressed my fear with a wonderful teacher. It took a while, but it was really worth it. I cleaned out my emotional basement of fear, rage, shame, grief. I shone a bright light in the dark corners, and remembered that every trauma was something I had already survived, so I could integrate the experience, and move on.
I learned to accept tenderness. I learned to trust. I learned to recognize when someone is trustworthy. I learned how integrity feels. I learned to love me.
As I did that, I also learned that pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t didn’t actually serve me, or you, for that matter. It was way better if I felt something to tell someone. I didn’t need to tell everyone, but even just one person knowing my truth made my feeling fake fade.
We are divine creations, blessed with existence, blessed with awareness, blessed with so much.
We are divine creations, with gifts to give, with hands and hearts to receive.
As a divine creation, I am completely genuine, real, and, at my core, perfect. You are as well. If you are feeling like a fake, look inside for your perfect self, and if you need to, get some help to get clear.
How have I changed from acting like a person to being an amazing human being?
I do a lot of self-disclosure here. For one thing, I learn a lot about me; where I was, where I am, and what I want. For another thing, I found it helpful in my journey to know that my teachers “got through it,” so I hope you will benefit from my experience, too.
For years I felt like a phony baloney fake-a-roni. I was terrified that you were going to see through me, or rather, that you were going to see the me I was trying to hide.
My beloved teacher called it “playing a good game.” I figured out when I was a kid that if I crinkled my eyes when I smiled, it looked real. I played with a tape recorder until I found a way to make my voice sound caring. My touch seemed gentle and compassionate, if you ignored the fact that my hands were always like ice.
On the surface, I was a warm, caring, loving person. Just underneath, I was cold. I was emotionally shut down. I felt pretty indifferent to you. Way deep down, I was scared to death about a lot of stuff.
I wonder why I felt like a phony baloney?
So, when I was nineteen, I had a spiritual experience in that I became aware of my “perfect self” deep inside, the self that is love and ease and joy and compassion and wisdom and strength and vulnerable and so on.
How was I going to reconcile my horrible, pretend, outside self with that lovely, deep inside self?
I addressed my fear with a wonderful teacher. It took a while, but it was really worth it. I cleaned out my emotional basement of fear, rage, shame, grief. I shone a bright light in the dark corners, and remembered that every trauma was something I had already survived, so I could integrate the experience, and move on.
I learned to accept tenderness. I learned to trust. I learned to recognize when someone is trustworthy. I learned how integrity feels. I learned to love me.
As I did that, I also learned that pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t didn’t actually serve me, or you, for that matter. It was way better if I felt something to tell someone. I didn’t need to tell everyone, but even just one person knowing my truth made my feeling fake fade.
We are divine creations, blessed with existence, blessed with awareness, blessed with so much.
We are divine creations, with gifts to give, with hands and hearts to receive.
As a divine creation, I am completely genuine, real, and, at my core, perfect. You are as well. If you are feeling like a fake, look inside for your perfect self, and if you need to, get some help to get clear.
How have I changed from acting like a person to being an amazing human being?
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
The Chronic
The Chronic
(Today I’m writing on a controversial subject. I want to be clear, and address a lot of the questions I’m asked on the topic. If you have more questions, please send me a message. One of my favorite old saws from 12 Step groups is “Take what you like, and leave the rest.”)
I don’t get sick and I don’t have pain anymore. Really. That’s not to say I always feel great. I get tummy stuff, I get respiratory stuff, I get muscles and joints flaring, just like anyone else. I have these experiences pretty rarely these days, and I am very appreciative about that. So what happened?
I have changed my stuff around feeling symptoms.
In the olden days, I focused on what felt bad. I focused on my problems and troubles. I focused on the people who hurt me. I focused on every twinge, every lurch, every throb, as proof of my misery. I was suicidal. I was lonesome for you, and lonely for me. I had three feelings, not-too-bad, bad, and terrible. I was doomed.
I had the Chronic.
I also had a tiny seed of an idea that maybe my lot, our lot, in life wasn’t to suffer, but to find our way through the crud that comes up in our lives, with joy and happiness, with ease and laughter.
The saint I met in Kathmandu was doing it -- genuinely grinning and radiant despite the fact that he had kidney stuff so bad he couldn’t walk.
It’s doesn’t require being a saint. It does require changing some stuff, and giving up some old beliefs and patterns.
It means divorcing Sick and Miserable. A clean break, no alimony or visitation. Sick and Miserable want to suck the life and love out of you. They are indeed scourges of humanity. But they aren’t the symptoms and the circumstances, they are our attitudes.
Can you get your mind wrapped around that? It took me a long time; I want to help you get it fast.
The symptoms and circumstances are neutral. The Sick and Misery come from us, they are the demons; the attitudes, the thoughts, the beliefs.
Sick and Misery want drama and whining. They want you to ignore the advice for which you pay your money to experts. Sick and Misery don’t want you to use everything and everyone available to you to help you feel good. They want you to sigh and complain, whine and whinge. They want you to frown, and they want you to pull everyone down with you. They want you to find Misery Buddies.
So what do you do? First, start treating yourself with compassion rather than pity or disgust, notice if you are blaming someone for your circumstances, and address that. Take out the words that have a negative charge for you. Consider how you might live your life if you were happy and confident, even if you still have your same situation. Consider how this phase of your life might be a blessing and opportunity for you.
How have I changed from feeling burdened and beaten to finding my potential and grace?
(Today I’m writing on a controversial subject. I want to be clear, and address a lot of the questions I’m asked on the topic. If you have more questions, please send me a message. One of my favorite old saws from 12 Step groups is “Take what you like, and leave the rest.”)
I don’t get sick and I don’t have pain anymore. Really. That’s not to say I always feel great. I get tummy stuff, I get respiratory stuff, I get muscles and joints flaring, just like anyone else. I have these experiences pretty rarely these days, and I am very appreciative about that. So what happened?
I have changed my stuff around feeling symptoms.
In the olden days, I focused on what felt bad. I focused on my problems and troubles. I focused on the people who hurt me. I focused on every twinge, every lurch, every throb, as proof of my misery. I was suicidal. I was lonesome for you, and lonely for me. I had three feelings, not-too-bad, bad, and terrible. I was doomed.
I had the Chronic.
I also had a tiny seed of an idea that maybe my lot, our lot, in life wasn’t to suffer, but to find our way through the crud that comes up in our lives, with joy and happiness, with ease and laughter.
The saint I met in Kathmandu was doing it -- genuinely grinning and radiant despite the fact that he had kidney stuff so bad he couldn’t walk.
It’s doesn’t require being a saint. It does require changing some stuff, and giving up some old beliefs and patterns.
It means divorcing Sick and Miserable. A clean break, no alimony or visitation. Sick and Miserable want to suck the life and love out of you. They are indeed scourges of humanity. But they aren’t the symptoms and the circumstances, they are our attitudes.
Can you get your mind wrapped around that? It took me a long time; I want to help you get it fast.
The symptoms and circumstances are neutral. The Sick and Misery come from us, they are the demons; the attitudes, the thoughts, the beliefs.
Sick and Misery want drama and whining. They want you to ignore the advice for which you pay your money to experts. Sick and Misery don’t want you to use everything and everyone available to you to help you feel good. They want you to sigh and complain, whine and whinge. They want you to frown, and they want you to pull everyone down with you. They want you to find Misery Buddies.
So what do you do? First, start treating yourself with compassion rather than pity or disgust, notice if you are blaming someone for your circumstances, and address that. Take out the words that have a negative charge for you. Consider how you might live your life if you were happy and confident, even if you still have your same situation. Consider how this phase of your life might be a blessing and opportunity for you.
How have I changed from feeling burdened and beaten to finding my potential and grace?
Monday, January 21, 2013
Flipping the Important Coin
Flipping the Important Coin
How do you know that you matter? Are there people in your life you tell you? Do you see it on the news? Do you work hard to be important? Do you work extra hard at your job, at home, volunteering?
Or is it that you know you are useless. Why bother? Do you know that you don’t make a difference? That no one would notice if you dropped off the face of the earth?
Perhaps you feel somewhere in between the two.
They are both just feelings. And those feelings motivate us to do different things. How strange is that; the thoughts in our heads, the feelings in our bodies, motivate us to do stuff. Sometimes they motivate us to do amazing and wonderful things, and sometimes they motivate us to do stuff that hurts us, or even hurts others. Dang. That’s some powerful thinking!
When we are trying to prove that we are important, interesting things happen. One of them is that we get so focused on being important, or on trying to feel like we matter, that we lose track of our own well being. Or we get ourselves so busy that we just fly from one activity to the next, no down time, no time for self reflection, no time for relaxing, no sense of gratitude. Or we end up stomping on people without even knowing we are doing it; ordering people to do stuff, discounting their efforts, or taking credit for their work.
When we are trying to prove that we are useless, interesting things happen. We get so focused on being useless, on proving that we don’t count, that we lose track of our own well being. We don’t notice that we are often taking advantage of others, we hardly ever feel grateful or appreciate what others do for us, we discount favors they do for us, we don’t repay kindnesses, we don’t offer assistance. We end up stomping on people without even knowing we are doing it.
Well, what the heck; did you notice what happened there? When we try to feel like we matter by working hard to be important, when we deny that we matter and choose to feel useless, both thinkings give us similar results. And a resolution is build into those results, namely, slowing down enough to smell the roses. Or whatever smell you like. Taking time to feel gratitude and appreciation will help us get back to our natural life, where we are naturally important.
How do I know that I matter? Why do I appreciate help? How do I feel appreciated?
When we remember that our feelings motivate our actions, and that our feelings come from our thoughts, and we think as we choose, we can make amazing changes in our lives.
When I was trying to prove that I mattered because I felt worthless, I worked hard to make myself indispensable. I encouraged people to take advantage, then felt angry at them. I did favors, not from the joy of helping, but to ingratiate, and then felt annoyed that I wasn’t appreciated. Heh. What a setup.
By relaxing into my natural life, I know I matter because I am an expression of the divine, or universal oneness, or whatever you wanna call it. To paraphrase Descartes, “I matter because I am.”
How have I changed from trying to prove myself, to living my best life?
How do you know that you matter? Are there people in your life you tell you? Do you see it on the news? Do you work hard to be important? Do you work extra hard at your job, at home, volunteering?
Or is it that you know you are useless. Why bother? Do you know that you don’t make a difference? That no one would notice if you dropped off the face of the earth?
Perhaps you feel somewhere in between the two.
They are both just feelings. And those feelings motivate us to do different things. How strange is that; the thoughts in our heads, the feelings in our bodies, motivate us to do stuff. Sometimes they motivate us to do amazing and wonderful things, and sometimes they motivate us to do stuff that hurts us, or even hurts others. Dang. That’s some powerful thinking!
When we are trying to prove that we are important, interesting things happen. One of them is that we get so focused on being important, or on trying to feel like we matter, that we lose track of our own well being. Or we get ourselves so busy that we just fly from one activity to the next, no down time, no time for self reflection, no time for relaxing, no sense of gratitude. Or we end up stomping on people without even knowing we are doing it; ordering people to do stuff, discounting their efforts, or taking credit for their work.
When we are trying to prove that we are useless, interesting things happen. We get so focused on being useless, on proving that we don’t count, that we lose track of our own well being. We don’t notice that we are often taking advantage of others, we hardly ever feel grateful or appreciate what others do for us, we discount favors they do for us, we don’t repay kindnesses, we don’t offer assistance. We end up stomping on people without even knowing we are doing it.
Well, what the heck; did you notice what happened there? When we try to feel like we matter by working hard to be important, when we deny that we matter and choose to feel useless, both thinkings give us similar results. And a resolution is build into those results, namely, slowing down enough to smell the roses. Or whatever smell you like. Taking time to feel gratitude and appreciation will help us get back to our natural life, where we are naturally important.
How do I know that I matter? Why do I appreciate help? How do I feel appreciated?
When we remember that our feelings motivate our actions, and that our feelings come from our thoughts, and we think as we choose, we can make amazing changes in our lives.
When I was trying to prove that I mattered because I felt worthless, I worked hard to make myself indispensable. I encouraged people to take advantage, then felt angry at them. I did favors, not from the joy of helping, but to ingratiate, and then felt annoyed that I wasn’t appreciated. Heh. What a setup.
By relaxing into my natural life, I know I matter because I am an expression of the divine, or universal oneness, or whatever you wanna call it. To paraphrase Descartes, “I matter because I am.”
How have I changed from trying to prove myself, to living my best life?
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Perfectly Impossible
Perfectly Impossible
I am often asked how I can write to you every day. Several things come into play. I love to write, I love talking about Creative Questions and self-evolution, I love you, and you let me know that these contemplations are helpful. There is one more thing, and I think it’s the most important part.
I don’t edit.
In the olden days I was such a perfectionist. I had the idea that perfectionism was the ideal, and that if I could get there, I could be acceptable to you, and, conversely, if I couldn’t get there, I was despicable to me.
Perfectionism isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. There is a huge difference between doing the very best we can, and trying to be perfect.
For many of us, the idea that we need to be perfect, or that we need to produce perfect work, can stop us dead in our tracks. We end up feeling like, since we can’t do it perfectly, we may as well not even try.
As perfectionists, we can make things extra hard for people doing things for us. We often don’t know what the standard is we want them to reach, and so we give instructions like, “I’ll know it when I see it.” That’s unfair both to the person doing the work, and to ourselves.
As perfectionists, we can make things extra hard for ourselves. How many hours did I spend on cleaning the floor with a toothbrush, or editing a piece until there was no heart left to it.
But one of the issues we have with trying to be perfect is that we don’t quite know what it means to be perfect, and we have the vague idea that we’ll know somehow, when we see it. Ahahahah! The joke’s on us!
Perfectionism is a tricksy one because it makes us think that it’s all about the product, and that if we make the perfect product, we will finally feel good about ourselves.
Now, I am sure that there are things we could do “perfectly.” We could also do them “right” and we could do them “well enough.” Each of those words has a different punch from perfect. Somehow, to the perfectionist they aren’t as good. And I certainly want the surgeon and the auto mechanic and tax accountant to do their jobs correctly. But I would really rather they not be perfectionists.
How is good enough, good enough? How do I know I am good enough? Why do I deserve to feel good about myself and my work?
By changing our focus from some notion about the product; being perfect, or doing it perfectly; to the quality of our effort, doing our best, we can relax back into our natural lives. We can use that freed up energy to get clear about what we want, both from ourselves, and from others. We become better task-givers, and we get happier, and those around us get happier, too, because the expectations are clear, and reachable.
Now I’m going to clean my floors without that dang toothbrush!
How have I changed from trying to be perfect to being my own, amazing self?
I am often asked how I can write to you every day. Several things come into play. I love to write, I love talking about Creative Questions and self-evolution, I love you, and you let me know that these contemplations are helpful. There is one more thing, and I think it’s the most important part.
I don’t edit.
In the olden days I was such a perfectionist. I had the idea that perfectionism was the ideal, and that if I could get there, I could be acceptable to you, and, conversely, if I couldn’t get there, I was despicable to me.
Perfectionism isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. There is a huge difference between doing the very best we can, and trying to be perfect.
For many of us, the idea that we need to be perfect, or that we need to produce perfect work, can stop us dead in our tracks. We end up feeling like, since we can’t do it perfectly, we may as well not even try.
As perfectionists, we can make things extra hard for people doing things for us. We often don’t know what the standard is we want them to reach, and so we give instructions like, “I’ll know it when I see it.” That’s unfair both to the person doing the work, and to ourselves.
As perfectionists, we can make things extra hard for ourselves. How many hours did I spend on cleaning the floor with a toothbrush, or editing a piece until there was no heart left to it.
But one of the issues we have with trying to be perfect is that we don’t quite know what it means to be perfect, and we have the vague idea that we’ll know somehow, when we see it. Ahahahah! The joke’s on us!
Perfectionism is a tricksy one because it makes us think that it’s all about the product, and that if we make the perfect product, we will finally feel good about ourselves.
Now, I am sure that there are things we could do “perfectly.” We could also do them “right” and we could do them “well enough.” Each of those words has a different punch from perfect. Somehow, to the perfectionist they aren’t as good. And I certainly want the surgeon and the auto mechanic and tax accountant to do their jobs correctly. But I would really rather they not be perfectionists.
How is good enough, good enough? How do I know I am good enough? Why do I deserve to feel good about myself and my work?
By changing our focus from some notion about the product; being perfect, or doing it perfectly; to the quality of our effort, doing our best, we can relax back into our natural lives. We can use that freed up energy to get clear about what we want, both from ourselves, and from others. We become better task-givers, and we get happier, and those around us get happier, too, because the expectations are clear, and reachable.
Now I’m going to clean my floors without that dang toothbrush!
How have I changed from trying to be perfect to being my own, amazing self?
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Whatcha Doin'?
Whatcha Doin’?
I think it’s so funny that so much of how we are is about what we spend our time doing; things we think are fun, things we think are hard, things we love, and other stuff maybe not so much.
We have so many ways of doing all that stuff. We do some of it alone, we do some of it together. Sometimes we do it alone with others all around.
I can tell you this, when I feel engaged, whatever I’m doing is more enjoyable. I like to do stuff with you.
One of my teachers would draw the distinction between withdrawing and isolating. When we withdraw, we recharge our batteries, we regroup, we marshal our thoughts. We emerge stronger and clearer, and feeling like re-engaging.
On the other hand, when we isolate, we are often in hiding. We are trying to feel safe, or looking for temporary relief. Isolating ourselves doesn’t really help.
Sometimes I need big chunks of alone-time. Most of the time, little chunks of alone-time are sufficient. I use that time for contemplation, or just thinking about stuff. I figure things out, I find solutions. And, of course, do stuff.
And yet, for example, even though I am alone when I write you each day, I feel connected to you. I feel engaged with you, I feel presence in our community. Even though I’m alone when I practice my qigong, I feel a part of a large community. Even though I spend most of my sacred porch-time alone, I feel connected to my neighborhood.
Being engaged, involved, and connected is enlivening and energizing. Feeling engaged is interesting. I get curious about what will happen next. Curiosity is a by-product of engagement. Support is a by-product of engagement. So are love, creativity, openness, and aliveness, to name a few. Relaxing into these feelings, allowing our thoughts to be of this kind, brings us back to our natural lives, and isn’t that nice.
Sometimes we force ourselves to be in a group. Yuck. That isn’t being included, it’s not engaging. We feel unnatural, we say weird stuff, or get overly emotional, or really shut down. We feel horrible. We often feel super vulnerable and raw, and want to take everything personally. We get really defensive or self-protective and offensive.
If we can identify the first time when we experienced that, and integrate it, we can get back to our natural life of delight. Sitting at the wall of our icky stuff is uncomfortable, but so gratifying when the wall melts away, and so nice to have all that fresh, cleared out space.
Sometimes, when we are trying something new, we are inclined to hold back. When we can find one person to connect to, one person to engage with, we crack open that door of new experience, and can often find ourselves in the midst of a wonderful adventure we never could have imagined, much less imagined enjoying.
How have I changed from fearing change and involvement, to embracing the opportunities?
I think it’s so funny that so much of how we are is about what we spend our time doing; things we think are fun, things we think are hard, things we love, and other stuff maybe not so much.
We have so many ways of doing all that stuff. We do some of it alone, we do some of it together. Sometimes we do it alone with others all around.
I can tell you this, when I feel engaged, whatever I’m doing is more enjoyable. I like to do stuff with you.
One of my teachers would draw the distinction between withdrawing and isolating. When we withdraw, we recharge our batteries, we regroup, we marshal our thoughts. We emerge stronger and clearer, and feeling like re-engaging.
On the other hand, when we isolate, we are often in hiding. We are trying to feel safe, or looking for temporary relief. Isolating ourselves doesn’t really help.
Sometimes I need big chunks of alone-time. Most of the time, little chunks of alone-time are sufficient. I use that time for contemplation, or just thinking about stuff. I figure things out, I find solutions. And, of course, do stuff.
And yet, for example, even though I am alone when I write you each day, I feel connected to you. I feel engaged with you, I feel presence in our community. Even though I’m alone when I practice my qigong, I feel a part of a large community. Even though I spend most of my sacred porch-time alone, I feel connected to my neighborhood.
Being engaged, involved, and connected is enlivening and energizing. Feeling engaged is interesting. I get curious about what will happen next. Curiosity is a by-product of engagement. Support is a by-product of engagement. So are love, creativity, openness, and aliveness, to name a few. Relaxing into these feelings, allowing our thoughts to be of this kind, brings us back to our natural lives, and isn’t that nice.
Sometimes we force ourselves to be in a group. Yuck. That isn’t being included, it’s not engaging. We feel unnatural, we say weird stuff, or get overly emotional, or really shut down. We feel horrible. We often feel super vulnerable and raw, and want to take everything personally. We get really defensive or self-protective and offensive.
If we can identify the first time when we experienced that, and integrate it, we can get back to our natural life of delight. Sitting at the wall of our icky stuff is uncomfortable, but so gratifying when the wall melts away, and so nice to have all that fresh, cleared out space.
Sometimes, when we are trying something new, we are inclined to hold back. When we can find one person to connect to, one person to engage with, we crack open that door of new experience, and can often find ourselves in the midst of a wonderful adventure we never could have imagined, much less imagined enjoying.
How have I changed from fearing change and involvement, to embracing the opportunities?
Friday, January 18, 2013
Love Me Tender
Love Me Tender
Well, you sure are fantastic. Smart, funny, good to look at, that’s you. I can see it so clearly in you. Can you? Do you see how lovable you are?
Some of you are nodding. Some of you are giving me “the look.” Some of you are crying.
Hmm.
I used to be one of the crying ones. I couldn’t imagine anyone finding me lovable. Bad creative questions can really do a number on us. My old favorite was “What’s wrong with me?” Yikes. I had a lot of variations on it, and, because I have such a creative mind, I had thousand “reasons” for why I was so unlovable. Poor little me.
Thinking like that really does a number on us. Not only does that kind of thinking hurt our own selves, and without reason, but it also hurts the people who love us. Dang.
Choosing to love yourself is an act of great courage. That seems so funny to me, but it really is. At the very least, modern culture looks a bit askance at the notion of self-love, but believe you me, getting there, choosing to love yourself, makes a huge difference in the quality of your own live, and will have a lovely impact on the lives of people around you.
For a lot of us, this is such a foreign notion that we don’t have a clue how even to start. It’s simple. Start like you are starting a courtship relationship. Make some time to take yourself out to a place you like to go, where you can actually spend some time with yourself.
That’s such an important thing, to spend some time with yourself. How do you feel? What do you like to do for fun? What are your favorite foods, places, books, movies, activities? What makes you feel really pampered or nurtured?
Who is your favorite person to see? You know that feeling, when you get all smiley? Imagine looking in the mirror in the morning and feeling that delighted to see your own face. Why am I delighted to greet me?
Why do I love to spend time with me? How am I my biggest supporter? What makes me like me? How have I changed from ignoring me to treating me like a beloved friend.
Being in a loving relationship with ourselves makes everything better. There is never a day when being in a relationship with someone who is cruel, or negatively manipulative, someone who cuts us down, and so on, is better than being alone in a loving relationship with ourselves. Really and truly. If you are in a relationship like that, please love yourself, and get some help to get out. You deserve to be treated well, and the person who is being unkind to you may find their way because they had to deal with the consequences of their bad behavior.
Meanwhile, take time for yourself, to be in your body, to notice how you feel, to be aware of what you like, what you want, where you like to go, and what you like to do, and then to act on that knowledge. Taking care of others is easy when you take care of you, first.
How have I changed from thinking there is virtue is ignoring myself to reaping the benefits of self-love?
Well, you sure are fantastic. Smart, funny, good to look at, that’s you. I can see it so clearly in you. Can you? Do you see how lovable you are?
Some of you are nodding. Some of you are giving me “the look.” Some of you are crying.
Hmm.
I used to be one of the crying ones. I couldn’t imagine anyone finding me lovable. Bad creative questions can really do a number on us. My old favorite was “What’s wrong with me?” Yikes. I had a lot of variations on it, and, because I have such a creative mind, I had thousand “reasons” for why I was so unlovable. Poor little me.
Thinking like that really does a number on us. Not only does that kind of thinking hurt our own selves, and without reason, but it also hurts the people who love us. Dang.
Choosing to love yourself is an act of great courage. That seems so funny to me, but it really is. At the very least, modern culture looks a bit askance at the notion of self-love, but believe you me, getting there, choosing to love yourself, makes a huge difference in the quality of your own live, and will have a lovely impact on the lives of people around you.
For a lot of us, this is such a foreign notion that we don’t have a clue how even to start. It’s simple. Start like you are starting a courtship relationship. Make some time to take yourself out to a place you like to go, where you can actually spend some time with yourself.
That’s such an important thing, to spend some time with yourself. How do you feel? What do you like to do for fun? What are your favorite foods, places, books, movies, activities? What makes you feel really pampered or nurtured?
Who is your favorite person to see? You know that feeling, when you get all smiley? Imagine looking in the mirror in the morning and feeling that delighted to see your own face. Why am I delighted to greet me?
Why do I love to spend time with me? How am I my biggest supporter? What makes me like me? How have I changed from ignoring me to treating me like a beloved friend.
Being in a loving relationship with ourselves makes everything better. There is never a day when being in a relationship with someone who is cruel, or negatively manipulative, someone who cuts us down, and so on, is better than being alone in a loving relationship with ourselves. Really and truly. If you are in a relationship like that, please love yourself, and get some help to get out. You deserve to be treated well, and the person who is being unkind to you may find their way because they had to deal with the consequences of their bad behavior.
Meanwhile, take time for yourself, to be in your body, to notice how you feel, to be aware of what you like, what you want, where you like to go, and what you like to do, and then to act on that knowledge. Taking care of others is easy when you take care of you, first.
How have I changed from thinking there is virtue is ignoring myself to reaping the benefits of self-love?
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Stepping Up
Stepping Up
We are so crazy powerful. Even when we think we aren’t, we are crazy powerful.
We create our world everyday, expanding it, modifying it. We create our experience, we change our past, we manifest like mad. We create ourselves, not from scratch everyday, but we imagine ourselves differently, and bit by bit, we become that. It doesn’t matter if you believe in it, it happens anyway.
How incredibly exciting!
There are two important things to know about this process.
Thing one. If you are not actively engaged in making your life better, it will get worse. It won’t stay the same, If you don’t evolve, you devolve.
Thing two. We paint our world, ourselves, with the words we use, with the images we visualize, with the feelings-loops we run. If we aren’t thinking about this; choosing, deciding, aspiring, wanting; our unconscious mind will take over. And you know what it’s like in there, that’s where your anxieties, fears, worries, and nightmares come from. Horrible old patterns, sad and depressing behaviors, outmoded, negative beliefs.
I don’t know about you, but I sure don’t want my unconscious mind running the show.
How do I do that, get me to run the show, or at least more of it?
Get active about living your life, stop floating, or muddling, or slogging through. Spend a little bit of time every day to think about what you are doing. Why do I choose to live my life?
Find out what you want. I know I bring this up a lot, but can you imagine getting into your car without knowing where you are headed, and just kind of vaguely hoping you’ll end up where you want to be? I mean, sure, some days that’s fun and adventuresome, but it’s not a good way to live, especially if you need to get some cat litter, or Imodium. How do I know what I want?
Get grateful, practice appreciating. Start a Thanks book. Post here. Get a couple people together, and email each other your lists. Daily. Hourly, if you are having a bad time. I’ve had days where the thing I appreciate the most is not screwing up. Thankfulness, gratitude, appreciation, will help. And ask yourself, How do I feel when I am grateful?
Notice your speech. If you want to feel better make sure you are using good words. Talking about debt, lack, pain, suffering, misery, enough, struggle, will attract more of those things. Changing our language to bills, plenty, discomfort, experience, and so on, literally changes our brains, and creates that lighter feeling. What makes me choose my words?
How have I changed from feeling down to looking up?
We are so crazy powerful. Even when we think we aren’t, we are crazy powerful.
We create our world everyday, expanding it, modifying it. We create our experience, we change our past, we manifest like mad. We create ourselves, not from scratch everyday, but we imagine ourselves differently, and bit by bit, we become that. It doesn’t matter if you believe in it, it happens anyway.
How incredibly exciting!
There are two important things to know about this process.
Thing one. If you are not actively engaged in making your life better, it will get worse. It won’t stay the same, If you don’t evolve, you devolve.
Thing two. We paint our world, ourselves, with the words we use, with the images we visualize, with the feelings-loops we run. If we aren’t thinking about this; choosing, deciding, aspiring, wanting; our unconscious mind will take over. And you know what it’s like in there, that’s where your anxieties, fears, worries, and nightmares come from. Horrible old patterns, sad and depressing behaviors, outmoded, negative beliefs.
I don’t know about you, but I sure don’t want my unconscious mind running the show.
How do I do that, get me to run the show, or at least more of it?
Get active about living your life, stop floating, or muddling, or slogging through. Spend a little bit of time every day to think about what you are doing. Why do I choose to live my life?
Find out what you want. I know I bring this up a lot, but can you imagine getting into your car without knowing where you are headed, and just kind of vaguely hoping you’ll end up where you want to be? I mean, sure, some days that’s fun and adventuresome, but it’s not a good way to live, especially if you need to get some cat litter, or Imodium. How do I know what I want?
Get grateful, practice appreciating. Start a Thanks book. Post here. Get a couple people together, and email each other your lists. Daily. Hourly, if you are having a bad time. I’ve had days where the thing I appreciate the most is not screwing up. Thankfulness, gratitude, appreciation, will help. And ask yourself, How do I feel when I am grateful?
Notice your speech. If you want to feel better make sure you are using good words. Talking about debt, lack, pain, suffering, misery, enough, struggle, will attract more of those things. Changing our language to bills, plenty, discomfort, experience, and so on, literally changes our brains, and creates that lighter feeling. What makes me choose my words?
How have I changed from feeling down to looking up?
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
BFFS
I love treats. I love little surprises, tokens, trinkets; those little gestures that we make to each other to say, “I love you.” In fact, just the word trinket often makes me feel happy.And these days, as I am clearing my space, I want fewer things. So I really like the treats that one can use or use up.
I like to give myself treats, little gifts. They usually aren’t surprises when I give them to myself, but sometimes, this particular time, it really was.
Many years ago, I was reading a book about being your own best friend. At that time in my life, I was one of those friends you don’t like very much. I thought I was a jerk, and an idiot, and I treated me like that. (I’m so sorry, Former Self.) I felt fat and ugly and stupid a lot, and that meant someone was abusing me. And at that time in my life, it was me.
I wondered how I could possibly be my own best friend when I sucked so much, but decided to try it. I stopped saying horrible things about me to myself all the time. Oh, my gosh. I said horrible things to myself all the time. It was like having one of those subliminal recordings playing in my head 24 hours a day telling me how awful I was.
Stopping that took effort. It took awareness, it took practice, it took faith in the idea that I probably wasn’t really a horrible person. I know, but actually saying “I like me” was so far away at that point, not horrible was as good as I could manage. Baby steps.
Little by little my self hate loosed its grip on my throat, and my spirit. When I noticed that I’d said something mean to me, I would apologize, and say something nice. I would pat or rub my sternum. It was often somewhat challenging. And it was amazing how ingrained that meanness was.
Curiously, as I got nicer to me, I got nicer to you. I stopped being quite so viciously sarcastic. I didn’t need to be snide. I didn’t need to poke you, or imply that you were stupid, or whatever.
Huh.
Curiously, as I got nicer to me, you got nicer to me. You stopped saying mean things, putting me down, rolling your eyes and tsutsing your tongue at me.
Hmm.
Curiously, as I got nicer to me, I started to love spending time with myself. I was really fun to hang out with! I would take myself out to coffee, and I would treat, or for a meal. I would go to the movies, or the library, or wander around the mall, and I had fun. By myself. I discovered that I liked me.
Letting ourselves get soft enough to find our self-love is a huge part of our personal evolution. Everyday stuff gets so much easier when we are doing it for someone we love.
How have I changed from treating myself like dirt to giving myself tender love and affection?
I love treats. I love little surprises, tokens, trinkets; those little gestures that we make to each other to say, “I love you.” In fact, just the word trinket often makes me feel happy.And these days, as I am clearing my space, I want fewer things. So I really like the treats that one can use or use up.
I like to give myself treats, little gifts. They usually aren’t surprises when I give them to myself, but sometimes, this particular time, it really was.
Many years ago, I was reading a book about being your own best friend. At that time in my life, I was one of those friends you don’t like very much. I thought I was a jerk, and an idiot, and I treated me like that. (I’m so sorry, Former Self.) I felt fat and ugly and stupid a lot, and that meant someone was abusing me. And at that time in my life, it was me.
I wondered how I could possibly be my own best friend when I sucked so much, but decided to try it. I stopped saying horrible things about me to myself all the time. Oh, my gosh. I said horrible things to myself all the time. It was like having one of those subliminal recordings playing in my head 24 hours a day telling me how awful I was.
Stopping that took effort. It took awareness, it took practice, it took faith in the idea that I probably wasn’t really a horrible person. I know, but actually saying “I like me” was so far away at that point, not horrible was as good as I could manage. Baby steps.
Little by little my self hate loosed its grip on my throat, and my spirit. When I noticed that I’d said something mean to me, I would apologize, and say something nice. I would pat or rub my sternum. It was often somewhat challenging. And it was amazing how ingrained that meanness was.
Curiously, as I got nicer to me, I got nicer to you. I stopped being quite so viciously sarcastic. I didn’t need to be snide. I didn’t need to poke you, or imply that you were stupid, or whatever.
Huh.
Curiously, as I got nicer to me, you got nicer to me. You stopped saying mean things, putting me down, rolling your eyes and tsutsing your tongue at me.
Hmm.
Curiously, as I got nicer to me, I started to love spending time with myself. I was really fun to hang out with! I would take myself out to coffee, and I would treat, or for a meal. I would go to the movies, or the library, or wander around the mall, and I had fun. By myself. I discovered that I liked me.
Letting ourselves get soft enough to find our self-love is a huge part of our personal evolution. Everyday stuff gets so much easier when we are doing it for someone we love.
How have I changed from treating myself like dirt to giving myself tender love and affection?
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Doubt, Not Truth
I wasn’t always the happy-go-lucky, goofy guru-philosopher you read every day; oh, no! In point of fact, I’m not always even now, but in the olden days, I had to learn how to be positive.
One of the games I would play, especially on days that were kind of rough, was the God’s Movie game. I would imagine walking down the street, and seeing from a bird’s eye view, God preventing all sorts of horrible things from happening to me; cars running me down, muggings, stray bullets, vicious dogs, pianos falling from the sky, and me, as the character in the movie, grumbling about my crappy day, oblivious to all the protection I was getting.
I love that game. I still play it on bad days. Why do I choose to play?
Some people are born positive and have it beaten out of them, some people are born melancholy, we all are as we are, but we can choose to think wholesome thoughts. We can choose to have tiny goals, and little goals, and big goals to give shape to our days and weeks and years. We can choose to be happy.
Why do I choose to be happy?
I also expect that wonderful things happen in my life. They happen for me, and they happen for you, the people I love. Imagining my friends telling me wonderful news is so fun, feeling how happy I am when I hear your good news is so nice, and it helps me feel positive on days that I might be finding challenging. It’s a nice, sneaky way to cheer myself up, and I have to admit, I find it more fun than prayer, although, depending on the circs, I do that, too.
How have I changed from envying to being so happy for you?
The more I expect things to go my way, the better they go. The more I expect wonderful things, the easier they happen. The more I look for delights in my daily life, the more I find. How weird is that.
I’m not lucky. I am attractive of good things. Luck carries with it an implication that whatever has happened isn’t really deserved. It’s kind of like that definition of grace that makes me crazy; God’s kindness to us, though we don’t deserve it.
We each deserve a lovely, happy, natural life. We deserve to strive to make our lives good. We deserve to find happiness and the root of happiness. We deserve to move from a place of mindless habitual activities filling our days, to days filled with little accomplishments and medium accomplishments, and from time to time, great, glorious, dazzlingly magnificent accomplishments.
To get that life, we have to choose it. We have to decide we will do what we need to do to make that happen. For a long time the Creative Question I asked was something like, “How could I deserve a nice life?” I wasn’t sure for a long time, but it was only doubt, not truth.
How have I changed from feeling doomed to expecting miracles?
I wasn’t always the happy-go-lucky, goofy guru-philosopher you read every day; oh, no! In point of fact, I’m not always even now, but in the olden days, I had to learn how to be positive.
One of the games I would play, especially on days that were kind of rough, was the God’s Movie game. I would imagine walking down the street, and seeing from a bird’s eye view, God preventing all sorts of horrible things from happening to me; cars running me down, muggings, stray bullets, vicious dogs, pianos falling from the sky, and me, as the character in the movie, grumbling about my crappy day, oblivious to all the protection I was getting.
I love that game. I still play it on bad days. Why do I choose to play?
Some people are born positive and have it beaten out of them, some people are born melancholy, we all are as we are, but we can choose to think wholesome thoughts. We can choose to have tiny goals, and little goals, and big goals to give shape to our days and weeks and years. We can choose to be happy.
Why do I choose to be happy?
I also expect that wonderful things happen in my life. They happen for me, and they happen for you, the people I love. Imagining my friends telling me wonderful news is so fun, feeling how happy I am when I hear your good news is so nice, and it helps me feel positive on days that I might be finding challenging. It’s a nice, sneaky way to cheer myself up, and I have to admit, I find it more fun than prayer, although, depending on the circs, I do that, too.
How have I changed from envying to being so happy for you?
The more I expect things to go my way, the better they go. The more I expect wonderful things, the easier they happen. The more I look for delights in my daily life, the more I find. How weird is that.
I’m not lucky. I am attractive of good things. Luck carries with it an implication that whatever has happened isn’t really deserved. It’s kind of like that definition of grace that makes me crazy; God’s kindness to us, though we don’t deserve it.
We each deserve a lovely, happy, natural life. We deserve to strive to make our lives good. We deserve to find happiness and the root of happiness. We deserve to move from a place of mindless habitual activities filling our days, to days filled with little accomplishments and medium accomplishments, and from time to time, great, glorious, dazzlingly magnificent accomplishments.
To get that life, we have to choose it. We have to decide we will do what we need to do to make that happen. For a long time the Creative Question I asked was something like, “How could I deserve a nice life?” I wasn’t sure for a long time, but it was only doubt, not truth.
How have I changed from feeling doomed to expecting miracles?
Monday, January 14, 2013
Oh, the Humanity!
Oh, the Humanity!
People. There sure are a lot of us. Each of us has his own way of being with people, thinking about them, interacting with them. We have general feelings about people; opinions, prejudices, biases. Some days we love ‘em, some days we hate ‘em, often we forget that we are ‘em.
So, how do people inspire you? Do people inspire you by doing good works? By producing great works of art, or music? Do people inspire you through religious or spiritual works? Or through small kindnesses?
How do you inspire people? Do you inspire through loving kindness, or through a hobby like music, or painting, or cooking? Do you inspire with words, or with deeds?
Each of us needs inspiration for many little things, and inspiration for big things. Inspiration connects us, like a fine web, creating Humanity, beyond the notion of “people.” The idea of Humanity contains compassion, care, love, nurture, generosity, gratitude, and so many more characteristics, and when we connect to it.
And the act of inspiring others is so powerful for us. When we give to “people” from our hearts, we spin strands for that great web of Humanity, we become a part of, instead of being apart from.
And when we feel a part of, we can feel so supported. We can feel loved. We can feel motivated to move out from our comfort zones, and into a realm more rewarding, more enjoyable, more profound that we could ever imagine.
But here’s a weird thing. We won’t feel supported until we choose to feel supported. And we won’t feel loved until we choose to feel loved. Nothing will inspire us unless we are ready to be inspired, and nothing will motivate us until we are ready to be motivated.
So here we are, back again, with the responsibility for our own well-being in our own laps. Dang. On the other hand, would you really want someone else to be the boss of you? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
We want to live lives that feel happy and productive, we want to feel inspiring, we want to be inspired. This end of the see-saw, we have to take responsibility for the quality of our life, and choose to make the changes we need to make it better. That end of the see-saw, we need to find trustworthy people, and trust them to help us by teaching us, or showing us, or inspiring us, or helping us, so we can get done what we need to get done.
We can’t do it without people. Even the great spiritual teachers need someone to teach.
When I choose to let trustworthy people help me, I choose to support myself. When I choose to feel supported by the people around me, I choose to empower myself. When I choose to feel loved by the people around me, I choose to step out and show up in the world in a way that let’s me inspire and be inspired.
How have I changed from thinking I must do it alone to being a part of Humanity?
People. There sure are a lot of us. Each of us has his own way of being with people, thinking about them, interacting with them. We have general feelings about people; opinions, prejudices, biases. Some days we love ‘em, some days we hate ‘em, often we forget that we are ‘em.
So, how do people inspire you? Do people inspire you by doing good works? By producing great works of art, or music? Do people inspire you through religious or spiritual works? Or through small kindnesses?
How do you inspire people? Do you inspire through loving kindness, or through a hobby like music, or painting, or cooking? Do you inspire with words, or with deeds?
Each of us needs inspiration for many little things, and inspiration for big things. Inspiration connects us, like a fine web, creating Humanity, beyond the notion of “people.” The idea of Humanity contains compassion, care, love, nurture, generosity, gratitude, and so many more characteristics, and when we connect to it.
And the act of inspiring others is so powerful for us. When we give to “people” from our hearts, we spin strands for that great web of Humanity, we become a part of, instead of being apart from.
And when we feel a part of, we can feel so supported. We can feel loved. We can feel motivated to move out from our comfort zones, and into a realm more rewarding, more enjoyable, more profound that we could ever imagine.
But here’s a weird thing. We won’t feel supported until we choose to feel supported. And we won’t feel loved until we choose to feel loved. Nothing will inspire us unless we are ready to be inspired, and nothing will motivate us until we are ready to be motivated.
So here we are, back again, with the responsibility for our own well-being in our own laps. Dang. On the other hand, would you really want someone else to be the boss of you? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
We want to live lives that feel happy and productive, we want to feel inspiring, we want to be inspired. This end of the see-saw, we have to take responsibility for the quality of our life, and choose to make the changes we need to make it better. That end of the see-saw, we need to find trustworthy people, and trust them to help us by teaching us, or showing us, or inspiring us, or helping us, so we can get done what we need to get done.
We can’t do it without people. Even the great spiritual teachers need someone to teach.
When I choose to let trustworthy people help me, I choose to support myself. When I choose to feel supported by the people around me, I choose to empower myself. When I choose to feel loved by the people around me, I choose to step out and show up in the world in a way that let’s me inspire and be inspired.
How have I changed from thinking I must do it alone to being a part of Humanity?
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Mars or Eden?
I’m going to ask you an imagination question, so I want you to get ready; sitting comfortably, nice and relaxed, open your mind, breathe some good, refreshing breaths.
Ready?
How would you feel if it were revealed to you that your whole environment was designed to support you in the best, most efficient ways to help you live your most wonderful, natural life?
Okay, some of you are laughing a little hysterically. Some of you look like you are crying. Some of you have just dismissed it as nonsense. Some of you look mad or scared, and some of you look interested.
Cool.
Here’s the thing. We can feel like we are living on Mars without a spacesuit, or in Eden with couturier fig leaves, and it mostly happens in our minds.
I live in Minnesota and we have weather. I can rail against the heat or the cold, the rain or the drought or the sleet, or I can find ways to enjoy it. I wonder which would feel better?
I live in a thriving metro area, and we are experiencing a ton of construction. I can let it make me crazy, or I can think of it as the soundtrack of prosperity. Hmm. I like prosperity.
I work and play with a lot of interesting people. I can judge them as wanting sense or sanity, or I can look at them as my teachers with valuable lessons to make my life glow with joy and grace. Frustration and angst or joy and grace -- I wonder which one I would choose?
I am a part of my environment. Am I bringing to it clarity and joy, open-heartedness and wisdom, or am I bringing grumbles, whining, misery, meanness, miserliness, and a stubborn heart?
If we don’t evolve, we devolve. Are you striving upwards, improving your life bit by bit, or are you shaking your head and feeling overwhelmed. If it’s the latter, I have to tell you, things don’t stay the same, you encourage them to get better, or they will get worse, and it’s all in your hands.
Please ask yourself this question, “What am I doing to evolve?” In my experience, those efforts make me feel a little challenged, and very rewarded. Are you doing things that leave you feeling like that?
How do I appreciate my environment? Why do I value the individuals in my life? What did I learn today?
By thinking of my environment as having been designed to support me, and some days that include the physical environment of my body, I am looking for the support, so I find it. I am looking for the lessons, so I learn something. I am looking for the love, so I feel loved. You can do this. You deserve this. Decide, and start practicing.
How have I changed from feeling imprisoned to finding the lessons, the love, and support?
I’m going to ask you an imagination question, so I want you to get ready; sitting comfortably, nice and relaxed, open your mind, breathe some good, refreshing breaths.
Ready?
How would you feel if it were revealed to you that your whole environment was designed to support you in the best, most efficient ways to help you live your most wonderful, natural life?
Okay, some of you are laughing a little hysterically. Some of you look like you are crying. Some of you have just dismissed it as nonsense. Some of you look mad or scared, and some of you look interested.
Cool.
Here’s the thing. We can feel like we are living on Mars without a spacesuit, or in Eden with couturier fig leaves, and it mostly happens in our minds.
I live in Minnesota and we have weather. I can rail against the heat or the cold, the rain or the drought or the sleet, or I can find ways to enjoy it. I wonder which would feel better?
I live in a thriving metro area, and we are experiencing a ton of construction. I can let it make me crazy, or I can think of it as the soundtrack of prosperity. Hmm. I like prosperity.
I work and play with a lot of interesting people. I can judge them as wanting sense or sanity, or I can look at them as my teachers with valuable lessons to make my life glow with joy and grace. Frustration and angst or joy and grace -- I wonder which one I would choose?
I am a part of my environment. Am I bringing to it clarity and joy, open-heartedness and wisdom, or am I bringing grumbles, whining, misery, meanness, miserliness, and a stubborn heart?
If we don’t evolve, we devolve. Are you striving upwards, improving your life bit by bit, or are you shaking your head and feeling overwhelmed. If it’s the latter, I have to tell you, things don’t stay the same, you encourage them to get better, or they will get worse, and it’s all in your hands.
Please ask yourself this question, “What am I doing to evolve?” In my experience, those efforts make me feel a little challenged, and very rewarded. Are you doing things that leave you feeling like that?
How do I appreciate my environment? Why do I value the individuals in my life? What did I learn today?
By thinking of my environment as having been designed to support me, and some days that include the physical environment of my body, I am looking for the support, so I find it. I am looking for the lessons, so I learn something. I am looking for the love, so I feel loved. You can do this. You deserve this. Decide, and start practicing.
How have I changed from feeling imprisoned to finding the lessons, the love, and support?
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Appreciation and Deprivation
Hanging out on my porch last night, as I am wont to do, I was thinking about appreciation. Earlier in the day, someone let me know that they appreciated my efforts on their behalf. It was a nice feeling.
I like to write notes of appreciation. I send them both through email and snail mail. Thanking someone in writing for a pleasing or helpful attitude, the fulfillment of a favor, for being a good friend, the reasons are myriad, is a quick and easy way to spread around that feeling of appreciation.
But how do we appreciate ourselves? I like the concept of "future self." How do I show my future self that I appreciate her? A clean and orderly house, lovely, wholesome groceries, enough sleep, and fun plans are all ways that I appreciate my future self.
Pampering, movement, meditation, journaling, snuggling to name a few, are ways to show my current self my appreciation. My focus is always on the treat-nature of the activity. If I turn it into a labor, then it ceases to be an act of self-appreciation.
Why is it important to appreciated ourselves? For a lot of people, being shown appreciation isn't something that they see much. They may have busy families, or challenging work situations. They may spend a lot of time alone, or with non-demonstrative people. If you relate to this, you know your situation.
Not feeling appreciated can lead to feelings of lack, a tragedy in such an abundant universe, and those feelings of lack can lead to a sense of deprivation which, in turn, can lead to choices that leave you feeling empty like too much TV, binging, over-spending or buying junk, this list can go on and on.
By taking a few minutes a day to appreciate yourself, you will develop a habit that will serve you well, and keep you happier and healthier for a long time.
How do you appreciate yourself?
I like to write notes of appreciation. I send them both through email and snail mail. Thanking someone in writing for a pleasing or helpful attitude, the fulfillment of a favor, for being a good friend, the reasons are myriad, is a quick and easy way to spread around that feeling of appreciation.
But how do we appreciate ourselves? I like the concept of "future self." How do I show my future self that I appreciate her? A clean and orderly house, lovely, wholesome groceries, enough sleep, and fun plans are all ways that I appreciate my future self.
Pampering, movement, meditation, journaling, snuggling to name a few, are ways to show my current self my appreciation. My focus is always on the treat-nature of the activity. If I turn it into a labor, then it ceases to be an act of self-appreciation.
Why is it important to appreciated ourselves? For a lot of people, being shown appreciation isn't something that they see much. They may have busy families, or challenging work situations. They may spend a lot of time alone, or with non-demonstrative people. If you relate to this, you know your situation.
Not feeling appreciated can lead to feelings of lack, a tragedy in such an abundant universe, and those feelings of lack can lead to a sense of deprivation which, in turn, can lead to choices that leave you feeling empty like too much TV, binging, over-spending or buying junk, this list can go on and on.
By taking a few minutes a day to appreciate yourself, you will develop a habit that will serve you well, and keep you happier and healthier for a long time.
How do you appreciate yourself?
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
What's in a Name?
At last week's Celebrate! we tried something interesting.
We brainstormed a list of names. We wrote them down and made slips of paper and took turns drawing a name.
We would take a moment to notice how we felt saying to ourselves, "My name is X," and then we would introduce ourselves to the group.
Wow. It was so interesting to notice how my physical body shifted to accommodate the name. One name made the muscles under my cheekbones clench, another name made my upper chest contract. The third name I drew was the most potent for me. She has a lot of the characteristics that I think I want, but she felt so unhappy. Or I felt so unhappy. Or something. Anyway, we asked each other questions about our lives in that name and then marveled at the responses. It was kind of intense.
Subsequently, I've been writing from the POV of my big name, the third name I drew. I found that while she has a lot of what I would like, the cost has been big. It made me think about how I want to achieve my goals and what I'm willing to trade internally for them.
When we finished the exercise it was such a relief to go back to being Pam. Phew.
We brainstormed a list of names. We wrote them down and made slips of paper and took turns drawing a name.
We would take a moment to notice how we felt saying to ourselves, "My name is X," and then we would introduce ourselves to the group.
Wow. It was so interesting to notice how my physical body shifted to accommodate the name. One name made the muscles under my cheekbones clench, another name made my upper chest contract. The third name I drew was the most potent for me. She has a lot of the characteristics that I think I want, but she felt so unhappy. Or I felt so unhappy. Or something. Anyway, we asked each other questions about our lives in that name and then marveled at the responses. It was kind of intense.
Subsequently, I've been writing from the POV of my big name, the third name I drew. I found that while she has a lot of what I would like, the cost has been big. It made me think about how I want to achieve my goals and what I'm willing to trade internally for them.
When we finished the exercise it was such a relief to go back to being Pam. Phew.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Inner Mind Radio
I'm having fun today playing with the concept of Inner Mind Radio. IMR is that chatter in your mind, mostly thoughts, that runs constantly. I'm fortunate in that I get a lot of music clips, ear wigs some people call them, from my very large collection of music in my head. And I'm delighted that a lot of what comes through has been shaped by Creative Questions, so that I feel better for those thoughts.
I do, however, still get the harangues from time to time, which leave me feeling bad or stupid, or such like. Or I have the dialogues like I did last night over whether I should turn on the air conditioner or just use the fan. (The fan voice won, but I would have been more comfortable with the A/C! I will try to remember that this evening.)
Anyway, as I think about IMR, it reminds me of channel surfing in my car, and that reminds me that, while I can't control my thoughts, I can control my thinking. What will I put my focus on? Harangues telling me how much I suck? Or will I tune into a station that lets me know I am valuable and loved? Hmmm.....
What plays on your IMR? I would love to hear about that.
I do, however, still get the harangues from time to time, which leave me feeling bad or stupid, or such like. Or I have the dialogues like I did last night over whether I should turn on the air conditioner or just use the fan. (The fan voice won, but I would have been more comfortable with the A/C! I will try to remember that this evening.)
Anyway, as I think about IMR, it reminds me of channel surfing in my car, and that reminds me that, while I can't control my thoughts, I can control my thinking. What will I put my focus on? Harangues telling me how much I suck? Or will I tune into a station that lets me know I am valuable and loved? Hmmm.....
What plays on your IMR? I would love to hear about that.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Celebrate!
We had a Celebrate! event last night, generally speaking they fall on the third Thursday of the month. We all had fairly big, new stuff happening in our lives, and new stuff can be challenging even when it's great.
Each of us seemed to be a little something, not really blue, although just the weather could account for that, not mad or sad, but a little something. Yet as we talked about what we are planning, why we are moving on, our spirits lifted.
I'd found some fun good news, like, did you know that wine, especially red wine, has antimicrobial qualities and can be beneficial for mouth health? Italian researchers found that out. I'm sure they have lovely teeth!
And there is a new bank in Hawai'i, the Pacific Rim Bank, that is giving 10% of it's profits to charities and non-profits. A bank tithing! Now that's the new millenium!
By the end of the evening, we each felt calmer, happier, more centered and present. Amazing what a couple hours of positive can do for a girl's outlook!
If you are in the area, next month we are meeting on November 15th. I will keep you posted.
Each of us seemed to be a little something, not really blue, although just the weather could account for that, not mad or sad, but a little something. Yet as we talked about what we are planning, why we are moving on, our spirits lifted.
I'd found some fun good news, like, did you know that wine, especially red wine, has antimicrobial qualities and can be beneficial for mouth health? Italian researchers found that out. I'm sure they have lovely teeth!
And there is a new bank in Hawai'i, the Pacific Rim Bank, that is giving 10% of it's profits to charities and non-profits. A bank tithing! Now that's the new millenium!
By the end of the evening, we each felt calmer, happier, more centered and present. Amazing what a couple hours of positive can do for a girl's outlook!
If you are in the area, next month we are meeting on November 15th. I will keep you posted.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Law of Attraction monthly forum
February 1st was bitterly cold, and dark at 7:00 pm, but that didn't keep this group of inspired women away. Rosie Bodin led the way as we ventured into the Law of Attraction. Each of us had stories of how it has worked for us, and how it hasn't. It seemed like for every story of how we had attracted unpleasant things, someone in the group had been in a similar situation and had been able to change it. And was able to articulate how that had happened. Seeing the Law working right in our class was something to behold. I am very much looking forward to our March forum when the focus will be on prosperity.
I am so grateful to Rosie for her wonderful presentation, for her gentle yet firm hand in keeping us on topic, for all her in-depth research on a very broad topic, for her humor, for her vulnerability and openness, and for her courage to do the public speaking thing on a very important topic.
I am very grateful to our participants for their willingness to show up on such a chilly night, to share their very personal stories, to bring their wisdom and experience to such a powerful topic, to support each other to move through the places where we got stuck. What an amazing group!
I am grateful to the University Baptist Church for creating a space that is so supportive of this kind of work -- warm, friendly, good vibes!
If you would like to post something you are grateful for today, please use the comments option.
I am so grateful to Rosie for her wonderful presentation, for her gentle yet firm hand in keeping us on topic, for all her in-depth research on a very broad topic, for her humor, for her vulnerability and openness, and for her courage to do the public speaking thing on a very important topic.
I am very grateful to our participants for their willingness to show up on such a chilly night, to share their very personal stories, to bring their wisdom and experience to such a powerful topic, to support each other to move through the places where we got stuck. What an amazing group!
I am grateful to the University Baptist Church for creating a space that is so supportive of this kind of work -- warm, friendly, good vibes!
If you would like to post something you are grateful for today, please use the comments option.
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