Comfy Cozy

Comfy Cozy

Comfort. A cozy blanket, a cool cloth, hot soup, ginger ale, toast and tea, soothing music, and easy read, a snoozy pet. What comforts you?

We are such a go go go group, aren’t we. We race through our mornings, rush off to school or work, or our morning house tasks. We zip through our lunches, or skip them altogether, race home, wolf something down (no disrespect meant to the wolves) on our way to whatever, come home, stay up too late doing more stuff, and fall into bed exhausted.

GAH!!

Comfort. A supportive meditation cushion, a gentle breeze, a loving ear to talk to, an inspirational volume, cookies and milk, a beloved toy, a hand to hold, a good stretch, a pleasing fragrance, a crackling fire.

As we flow through our lives, comfort comes up as a topic from time to time. Sometimes, we need comfort, sometimes, our loved ones need comfort. Because these topics arise from time to time, it’s useful for us to know what comforts us so we can ask for the comforts that suit us the best.

It’s also useful for the times when our loved ones need comfort, and may not know what will give them some ease.

The more we can find ways to slow down inside, the easier things get, and isn’t easy a great comfort all by itself. Meditation is one way to slow down. Slowing down our breath consciously is another way. Relaxing our muscles is another, starting with the easy ones. Why would it be easy?

As I was learning how to slow down and my mind would be racing, I would go for a walk and chant inside my head, “Ruminate and cogitate” over and over. It stopped me thinking about “my problems” and how “messed up” I was. It also amused me to say the words that I had been doing as a way to stop doing them. Why do I choose to slow down? How do I slow down? What makes me relax?

We all have stuff. I decided a long time ago not to have problems anymore. Now I have stuff, or topics, or issues, or lessons. What a difference that little change in language made. What can I do about my stuff right now? Something? Do it. Nothing, let it go, and change the subject. One way to stop worrying about my stuff is to help you.

How do you comfort others? What makes you feel charitable? How do you show your compassion?

Offering comfort to another person, or people, is one of the many ways we feel connected to each other, one way we strengthen our sense of community. When you and I become we, we become stronger, and often happier. When we let go enough to give and receive comfort, stuff in general gets nicer.

How have I changed from being preoccupied with my crap to reaching out a comforting hand?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 08272013

Great Expectations

Great Expectations

One of the things I love about being a grownup is being able to feel satisfied in so many different ways.

Why is it so easy?

Well, for one thing, satisfaction is all about expectations, and whoo boy, do we have junk around expectations.

Open your mind to the possibility of a different way of handling our disappointed expectations, This can make a huge change in your level of happiness.

We have all sorts of ideas about how things are supposed to go, how people are supposed to act, what constitutes reasonable behavior. Those ideas are not universal.

The bottom line is this:  You don’t disappoint me, my expectations of you disappoint me. Just one more way I create my reality, if you see what I mean.

My expectations of you are based on my filters, my mislearning, my NEJ (negative, emotional judgment), my beliefs, and so on. My expectations are based on my personal fantasies about how the world works. Some of those are negative, and some of those are positive, but they are still fantasies.

This is also true of my expectations of me. On the one hand, I know that in this moment  I am perfect. I also know that sometimes I fall back into my old crappy habits, and disappoint my expectations. I can often find myself treating me really poorly as a punishment for that disappointment. It’s all just made up, and there I am feeling rotten about a made up story.

If I am frequently disappointed by others, I will benefit by looking at my expectations. I love it when I find ways to make my life nicer by correcting my stuff. Lord knows, I can’t correct yours!

One of the ways I make this course correction is to shift my expectations from you to “the universe” when I’m wanting things to get done. Once I started doing that, and asking Creative Questions about feeling so supported, I found that I could be supported in a whole bunch of unlikely ways, by people I never would have expected. How do I feel when I am fully supported?

One of the ways I make this course correction is to shift my idea of you into looser territory. Many years ago, I read something that stuck with me. I don’t know who said it, but it went something like, “we can’t behave out of character, only out of our idea of character.” So if I can find a way to allow you greater leeway in your thinking, in your behavior, I will be way less disappointed.

The other piece that will help me experience less disappointment is clear communication, but that’s for another time.

How have I changed from feeling so disappointed to feeling satisfied?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 08262013

I Really Appreciate You

I Really Appreciate You

A dear and brilliant friend started posting daily appreciations last year. What a joy they were to read, and what a triumph to witness, as serious health issues arose for her and her husband, that  she continued to post heartfelt gratitude each day. I feel uplifted and inspired by her words everyday, and by her courage in staying appreciative.

Another dear and brilliant friend has had a group of friends who emailed each other things they were grateful for each day.

Several friends keep gratitude journals.

There are so many ways to establish a habit of expressing our gratitude, but they all have something in common, namely, they serve to raise our vibration.

Now, I know that “vibration” is woowoo talk, and I work at staying away from woowoo talk here. But, if you have ever been around big, low vibration sounds, you may have noticed something.

I got it first in a small discotheque many years ago. I’d gone dancing with friends, paid my cover, and drank water, not liquor or even soda pop. The space was tiny, and the speakers were great, but my spot was right in front of the big booming bass. It took about an hour, and I was out back puking up my water. The next time I went, it  happened again, and then I made a point of staying as far away from those speakers.

We don’t usually say, “Oh, I love heavy metal! It makes me feel so light and happy!”

If I want to feel light and happy, it will help if I move toward light and cheerful and away from dark and low.

So, what is dark and low? Chronic complainers, that is, people who don’t expend energy improving their situation, only rehearsing how awful it is. The News. The News is meant to make us feel bad so we buy stuff. Grim movies or books, dark tales of abuse or torture. Focusing on feelings of anger or grief or fear.

Those feelings come up for all of us. What we do when they do can make a huge difference in our “vibration.”

To keep things flowing, I need to experience my feelings, not necessarily to express them. When I accept how I feel, and let it flow through me, I find that I’m often finished with it in moments. And then, if I pause for a bit and appreciate the feeling, or the simple emotion, I find that I can enjoy those emotions that used to suck up my life,

Accepting, appreciating, and allowing will all help me to feel lighter. When I accept what is going on, I’m not necessarily liking it. That is, I can appreciate where I’m at without wanting to spend my life here.

By noticing what I am grateful for, by appreciating the world around me, by expressing my thanks, several things happen. I need to be in touch with my feelings to recognize the sensations of gratitude. I have to be aware to notice stuff to be grateful for. I need to have some sense of connection to tell you I appreciate you, and what you did for me.

Now if I just add relax relax relax to that, I’m going to have a pretty nice day.

How have I changed from feeling shut down to being aware of my gratitude?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 08242013

Giving a Rat’s Behind

Giving a Rat’s Behind

What matters to you? What do you care about? Where do you make a difference?

Life is challenging when we are indifferent. Life is challenging when we are self-absorbed. Weirdly, life is less challenging when we feel like we are making a contribution. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but, when I reach out, I take my attention away from the things that bring me down. At the very least, it’s a break.

We are the boss of our experience, not what happens to us, but what we experience. Remember? We get to choose how to respond to the circumstances we encounter.

One of the ways I choose to be a grown up, is to be an inspiration. What an exhilarating thing that is! If I choose to be an inspiration, I am choosing to respond, not to react. If I choose to be an inspiration, I am choosing to act for the good of you, or even of mankind. I choose to act with a rational heart, with a loving mind.

I see you being an inspiration all over the place. I see you being kind to strangers, and sweet to little animals. I see you treating your kids with respect. I see your relationships weather storms and grow stronger. I see the look when you place a loving hand. I see you pay it forward in the coffee shop.

You have taught me patience by example. You have taught me how to bring balance back into my life when it feels tippy. You have given me the gift of taking emotions out of money topics.

Your kindness and attention to what I had to say helped me heal my broken spirit. Your willingness and open-heartedness to give care to your broken loved ones opens my heart.

When I see your real work, I feel motivated to do my real work. Your art, your music, your craft,  your words, your movement; you make it look effortless, and that reminds me that doing what I love is effortless.

When I see you choose to be a grown up, to take care of yourself, to ask for what you need, I feel the courage I need to do the same. When I see you accept each moment as it comes, I know I can do that, too. When I see your gratitude and appreciation shining out from your eyes, I am filled with nice warm feelings, and I feel so honored to be your friend.

And now, here I am, doing what I can to inspire. I believe in what I write to you every day, and I endeavor to live it. I tell you my story to help you find your strength to overcome your story. I tell you what I think and what I believe in because this work has brought me up from the depths of misery, loneliness, and despair to place where I am happy and peaceful most of the time. Really and truly.

And now, here I am, asking you to continue to be your inspiring self, and maybe to up your game a bit. How do you move through your daily challenges with grace? How do you maintain a loving heart? What makes you value and nurture your own self? How do you reach out to me and others?

How have I changed from not giving a rat’s behind to choosing to make a difference for me and for you?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 08232013

Believe You, Me!

Believe You, Me!

I am about to tell you a freaky fact. So take a good, calming breath and listen up: If I believe I am right, I am right.

I can only understand the world based on my experience. That means that I will believe and trust mislearnings, misinterpretations, misunderstandings and stuff that is just plain made up. I will also believe stuff that really is True.

That means it will be a challenge for me to separate the true stuff from the True stuff. It means I can be absolutely one hundred percent committed to things that are really not good, or really not true.

Scary, huh.

So here I am. I will think that I am right, or I will think that I am wrong. Both, curiously enough, are beliefs, not Truth.

So the first bit is that feeling wrong is just a feeling and I can change that in an instant: How do I feel when I am right?

The second bit is to open my mind to the possibility that maybe what I believe is wrong. If a believe doesn’t support my perfect self, it’s probably wrong. If a belief doesn’t support me supporting your perfect self, it’s probably wrong. If a belief leads me away from loving you, it’s probably wrong. If a belief leads me to negative, emotional judgments, violence, despair, hopelessness, disregard for me or you, disrespect for same, it’s probably wrong.

Are you seeing a pattern?  

We are amazing. Brilliant, creative, innovative, curious, the list goes on and on. We are fantastic storytellers, and we start telling ourselves stories from the time we are pre-language. “Once upon a time, this is how the world is.” And we buy it.

So now that we are grown ups, we can look at the stories we’ve told ourselves, about how wrong we are, about how we aren’t good enough, about being stupid, or lazy, or worthless. All those stories we told ourselves back in our own dark ages.

Now that we are grown ups, we can correct our crappy beliefs about life being horrible and hard, and that we have to suffer with poverty, or loneliness, or pain, or existential angst, victimhood or martyrdom.

Now that we are grown ups, we can resolve our emotional traumas. We can heal our spirits. We can choose to spend time with people who uplift us.

Now that we are grown ups, we can accept where we are and move on.

If it’s True, it’s True for everyone.

How have I changed from believing in my old stories to believing in the highest good?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 08222013

Nourishing Nurture

Nourishing Nurture

You can’t fill a glass from an empty pitcher, or so the saying goes. We have a lot of nourishing to do, too. We have our physical bodies, our emotional bodies, our mental bodies, and our spirit bodies. Each of them needs nourishment, of some sort or another. When we neglect ourselves, we throw ourselves out of balance. Our judgment gets weird, our emotions get weird, and crazy stuff seems normal.

Danger ahead.

Crazy stuff seems normal.

That is a hugely important thing to remember. Crazy stuff isn’t normal.

Indulging in negative fantasies isn’t nourishing. That means anxious thoughts, which are negative fantasies about the future, worry, guilt, which is often negative fantasies about the past, fearful thoughts, angry thoughts, these are damaging stuff. And we start to believe them, and base our actions and behaviors on them. Uh oh.

Crazy stuff seems normal.

Starving or binging isn’t nourishing. Trying to correct our bodies through ferocious exercise, or lying on the couch watching TV for hours isn’t nourishing. Depriving ourselves of wholesome rest isn’t nourishing. We start to think that feeling exhausted is normal, we begin to think that aches and pains are normal. We call it “aging” and think it’s normal.

Why would I feel good?

Our minds and spirits crave stimulation and challenge, and not just the challenge of how to get five hours of work done in three and a half. We need to be learning new stuff, we need to have time to contemplate the stuff we’ve learned, we need time to just be, to look at something beautiful, to consider the big questions.

Why do I enjoy down time?

We hear warnings all the time about how we need to spend more time taking care of other people, more time thinking about other people, less time thinking about ourselves.

Well, that’s true to a point. If I am stuck in a place where I am so absorbed by my misery, getting out and helping other people can be a godsend.

But if I am a caregiver already, that advice is crazy. And it can feed into a feeling that many of us have of not feeling good enough, or worthy, or deserving.  

Why am I good enough? Why am I worthy? Why do I deserve balance in my life?

How would a feast for our spirits look? How about a feast for our minds? What would a feast for our emotions feel like? Why do I like to feast?

How have I changed from thinking imbalance is normal to always feeling sustained?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 08212013

I’m a Lucky Duck

I’m a Lucky Duck

I have a little peeve to share with you. That is, people saying to me, “You’re so lucky!” about something that I’ve worked my butt off for.

So let’s talk about luck.

We know now that we are creating our environment all the time with the thoughts we have and the choices we make. We take that as a given.

What does that do to our notion of luck?

We tend to think of some people as lucky, and others as unlucky. What we don’t see is all the behind the scenes stuff. We don’t see how they each create a space that attracts what seems to be good luck, or what seems to be bad.

In days of yore, I was very good at bad lucking. Bad luck jobs, bad luck debt, bad luck health, bad luck boyfriends. I had bad judgment, and made bad choices. I felt plagued by bad luck, and had neither a sense of personal responsibility, nor did I get that I was encouraging bad stuff to happen to me. It took a beloved teacher ten long years to help me see what I was doing.

I made my own bad luck. It’s not that I wouldn’t see the flashing red warning signs, the red flags, it was simply that when I saw them I was drawn to them rather than try to avoid them. If given a choice between two attractive men, I would choose the one who seemed like he needed help. Oy. If two equivalent jobs were offered, I would take the one with the troubled boss. Oy. If I had the choice between taking care of my health, or staying up all night or abusing chemicals, or starving myself, well, you see what I’m talking about.

Oy.

Now I make space for good luck. I see the red flags as warnings and keep my distance. I have a job I like with people I love. I take care of my health, my money, my relationships.

I have such good luck!

Another element of making space for good luck is commitment. I really wanted to go to Hong Kong for my 40th birthday. Only thing was that it would cost me a third of what I was making annually running the coffee shop. But I made the commitment, and lo, the “good luck” started showing up. I saved up like crazy, talked about it like crazy, and friends and family started helping me realize the trip of a lifetime. I’ve now had three Trips of a Lifetime and expect to have more.

When I commit to living a life full of good luck, full of fortune, full of wonderful surprises and miracles, guess what I get? When I spend time each day noticing my good luck, my fortunate things, my wonderful surprises and miracles, I get grateful.

One of the most wonderful things in my life is my relationship with you. What a difference you make for me, and I appreciate that in you so much.

How have I changed from believing in bad luck to making room for miracles?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 08202013

Doing Things With People

Doing Things With People

Today two cards hopped out from the Creative Questions deck, Teamwork and sexuality. What an interesting combo.

Teamwork and sexualty are both about connection, and both can be wonderfully satisfying, or simply awful. And, like so much else in our lives, our experience has almost everything to do with us, and our attitude.

Both work best if a common goal is held by everyone concerned.

When we get involved with people, sometimes we encounter power imbalances. We can always blame outside us for our experience and hope that “they” get it and change their behavior. We could wait forever.

When I choose to be a team player, I have in mind a goal that supports the team effort. It doesn’t have to be the same as the rest of the team, but it does need to be in keeping with the overall goal. Sometimes, this gets messed up.

When I choose to be sexual, I am choosing to experience a sacred act. Sometimes, this gets messed up.

In both cases, it’s up to me to clean up the mess. I am responsible for my own well being. I am responsible to you, but not for you. I cannot make you do stuff. Well, to a point I can, but the point is that I cannot make you feel happy, or connected, or satisfied, only you can. I can create an environment that could help those qualities grow and flourish, but I can’t make it happen.

I can make it happen for me. And when I find places in my life where stuff is messed up, I am the only one who can make it better. I can certainly get help, and often need it when the topic is an old, long-standing one.

When it comes to the junk in our lives that we feel bad about, we have several choices. We can choose to allow it, or accept it. Life is the way it is in this moment, and fighting it is simply exhausting, and accomplishes nothing. When we practice letting go on little things, it gets easier to let go on the bigger things. And as we get good at those, we can let go when the really big stuff shows up.

Why do I surrender?

We can choose to change it. I can change my attitude, which often in itself is a sufficient change. Sometimes, changing me is enough to shift the balance and the others in the situation will change to accommodate my new role. Sometimes not. By looking for things I can change to make the situation better for me, I become more flexible and can often find solutions that were hidden from me before.

Why do I find solutions?

We can choose to leave it. I can leave, even if I think I shouldn’t. If I am in a horrible situation, I can leave, unless I am locked up. I need to remember that sometimes the resolution is in the leaving, but sometimes, I may find myself in exactly the same situation with someone else. If I see that I have a pattern, then I need to go back to “Change it” and get help to integrate the experience that generated the pattern.

Interacting and intimacy are two things that are easy and satisfying in our natural lives. The more we relax into it, the more we clean up our emo junk, the easier and more fun it all is.

How have I changed from living in conflict to enjoying concord?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 08192013

Rent-free in My Head?

Rent-free in My Head?

“Resentment is letting someone live rent-free in your head.”  The first time I heard that, I laughed and laughed, and then felt creepy.

I had a bunch of people in there  who I felt had wronged me, or betrayed me. people whose behavior I deemed unacceptable. It was an interesting hobby. I would start to think about one or more of them and get myself all riled up, and then frustrated as all get out because I felt like  there wasn’t anything I could do to relieve the feelings. So I would go around being a jerk to you. I apologize.

Now, I also had a bunch of people living in my head whom I adored, and when I thought about them, I felt great.

There are two important bits of information about these two situations. Bit one, I could change how I felt just by thinking about something. And bit two, the people who populate my head have a huge impact on how I feel, and the choices I make.

“The map is not the territory.” (Alfred Korzybski) This is so simple, but we often have such a challenging time accepting it, and remembering it, and acting on it.

It means that you are not the you who lives in my head. The you in my head has been filtered through my experience, my ideas, my beliefs, and my mislearnings. That can make the you in my head kind of weird, depending on how messed up my stuff is. One more reason to clean up my emo basement.

When I perceive you through filters of fear and anger, or abuse, or treachery, imagine how distorted my image is. Imagine the things I could believe of you, things you’d never do. Imagine the kind of trouble I could get myself into as we interact.

When I perceive you through filters of denial, things get really weird, and my behavior can seem bizarre.

The more I clean up my act, the more I am willing to face the crap in my past, the more I live my natural life. It is from this place, my natural life, that I can see you the most clearly.

Re-feeling the past without completing the experience can cultivate resentment, which is just re-feeling negative feelings.

One way I’ve found that is really helpful for shifting resentments out is to notice when I am thinking a resentful thought, and then to think of three nice things the person has done. If it’s someone I no longer have a relationship with, I offer up a little good wish or prayer for them, and think of something else. It takes practice, but boy, howdy, it’s nice to not get my self all twisted up for no good reason.

As I let go of all that emo junk, I feel cleaner. The cleaner I feel, the easier it is for me to stay upbeat, the easier it is to see you more closely to who you actually are, the easier it is for me to show up in the world. As I let go of all the emo junk, it gets easier for me to live true to my purpose, to know what my purpose is, and to know what I want.

Why is it all so easy?

How have I changed from resenting to letting go and living free?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 08182013