Whatcha Doin’?

Whatcha Doin’?

I am going to lay a hard truth on you. If you want to leave now, I will understand, and I will not take it personally.

We are, each of us, living the  life of our choosing.

Ow ow ow! Stop throwing stuff at me! Let me explain!

"It is our choices, Harry, that show what  we truly are, far more than our abilities."  - Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

When we are living a life of strife, of drama, and suffering, and hardship, we are most likely choosing it unconsciously. We are not at fault here. We are not to blame.

Why can I choose? Why am I strong? Why am I competent? Why am I capable? What makes me proud of myself?

We may want to ask ourselves why we are choosing it. We may want to notice if there are elements that we like. Perhaps we find the drama fun, for all it’s high cost. Perhaps we kind of enjoy thinking that people feeling sorry for us. Perhaps the suffering feels like we deserve it as punishment for something. Perhaps the physical pain helps balance out our emotional pain. Not that those are ever my elements, you understand. I, uh, read about ‘em in a book.

When we like icky elements like that, we usually have something happening under the surface that we do like. We call it “secondary gains,” and discovering what those secondary gains are will make a huge difference for us for the simple reason that we can shift their vibrations up higher, and get our needs met without the ick.

For example, the secondary gain was attention: I would rather people find me an inspiration that feel sorry for me. The secondary gain was an emo charge: I would rather enjoy low cost weather drama than high cost emotional drama. The secondary gain was a sense of justice: I would rather address my sense of guilt, and make amends, than punish myself.The secondary gain was feeling internal stability:  I would rather work through my emotional pain than cut, or have migraines, digestive issues, suicidal thoughts, and so on.

I know that this takes a lot of courage, just so you know, to look ourselves full in the face. We deserve the respect we show ourselves to clean up our act. We don’t always have to go all the way back to the inception of the mislearning, although that is certainly the most efficient way, but we do want to pay enough attention to ourselves to see our patterns and start to bust ‘em up, and feel the feelings as they come up. There are a thousand thousand ways to do this, we just need to try them on until we find the ones that work best for us.

And we need to pay attention to the Creative Questions we are asking. I get the results I ask for, so identifying the bad questions, and changing them to good ones, will help me a lot.

How have I changed from living a life I don’t like to loving the life I live?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04182014

I know this is a big one. Take a deep breath, remember it's not your fault, just your responsibility. 
If you found something useful, please + or share.

The Back Way

The Back Way

I would like to see a show of hands for those of you who think, “Oh, that Pam! She’s fulla beans when she says that things can be easy. Life is HARD!”

Why would I change my mind? How do I know I choose? What makes it all so easy?

How would your life change if you believed life is easy? How would your day change if you thought, “It’s all just so easy.” How would you feel this very moment when you think, “Why could it all be just so easy?”

Do you relax, and breathe a deep breath, or do you clench your fists and think, “LIES!!!”

Sometimes, we have to go around to the back and sneak in to find out what we wanna know.

What is making it so hard?

This is one of those times when we want to find answers, rather than our usual way of letting the answers be quiet in our unconscious minds.

I don’t like the task. I don’t want to be here. I don’t like So and So. I am not good at this. I am too hungry-angry-lonely-tired. I never get what I need. No one understands me. I have to do it cuz no one else can do it right.

Did I hit one of your favorites? My two faves are the first two.

So what I have to do, if I want it to be easy, is find a reason that matters to me for doing the task, and a reason I value for being here. When I do that, everything shifts and I go to easy.

Unless I want it to be hard. Ew. That is a whole ‘nuther kettle of fish.

That taps into the whole martyr thing. Or the perfectionist thing. Sometimes we want people to feel sorry for us. Sometimes it’s asking for help in a really bass-akwards kind of way. When someone asks me how I am and my first response is a how-hard-it-is response, I know I am off path, swimming against the flow, saying no in some way to my life.

And here again, I can go to the back door and sneak in to find out what is going on with me.

What don’t I like about my life?  

In this very moment, our lives are the perfect manifestation of what we are asking for. That can be kind of scary, but once we start looking at what is truly going on, and how that translates into a need or desire on our part, we get some power. For example, I had been feeling stuck in hating my living room arrangement for a while. I felt ashamed when I looked at it, and kind of helpless to change anything. Living rooms for me translate in to being sociable. I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed in my social world. Hmm.

When I came in through the back door, I realized that I needed help, asked my besties to come over, and we brainstormed what I could to to make the space match where I am now. I thought I needed to strip it to the bones to feel ok, ie, move to a deserted island, but they helped me see that I needed mostly to rearrange some things, let go of some things I don’t love, and open up again to loving the space. For me, that translated into paying a bit more attention to what I agree to do, let go of some of those soft addictions that eat up my free time, and spend that time doing things I really love.

Wow.

How could it all be just so easy?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04172014

If your life is easy, or hard, + or share. What makes you great?

Pause. That Refreshes!

Pause. That Refreshes!

I know a lot of people who think that I just go go go all the time. If you could see me on a Tuesday evening, or a Sunday, you would know that’s not quite true.

I know how to relax. I am good at taking down time. I excel at free time. I am a master of leisure. Oh, yeah. I go for quality.

When I take time off, when I take a break, or vacate my daily life, it’s kind of like hitting the reset button. A very tiny example is that, after I have done a sparkly clean on the house, I like to leave for a while, run a couple errands, maybe, or go for a walk, and then come back in to my sparkly house. I appreciate it so much more after a little separation from it.

I generally take a little respite on the porch between coming home from work and going in the house. I like to let go of the day. I appreciate the good stuff, sort through the other stuff for lessons, plans, silver linings, and whatnot, and then let it go. I like to think of it as taking my emotional shoes off at the door. I walk into my home feeling free and happy to be there.

Do be do be do. By just doing, we make certain kinds of progress. We achieve things in our work and play, we maintain stuff, we go places. By just being, we make a different kind of progress. We come to know our deep selves, our quiet mind. We can often give our overstimulated feelings a rest. We can relax, soften, find serenity. We can take off our emotional shoes.

I have learned that, for me, taking a moment here or there can make a huge difference in my level of satisfaction, in the quality of my day. Lots of little places where a couple of minutes to just breathe with awareness will make a huge difference for my insides, but not make much of an impact on my time.

Pausing to breathe.

Why would I choose to relax? How could I choose peaceful? What would make me serene?

When I relax into my peaceful core, I enjoy everything so much more. It’s harder for me to feel annoyed. It’s easier to get stuff done.

Do you remember the old saw, A change is as good as a rest?

Sometimes, what will refresh me the most is doing something new. I have a couple friends with whom I like to do something new. We will go to a part of town we’ve never been to, and treat it as though we are on holiday, with our cameras and tourist mindsets. A new coffee shop, a new cafe or museum, a new park and a little while later, a fresh outlook.

Taking time off can stimulate new thought. It can produce solutions to situations where we felt stymied. It can spur creativity, juice up inspiration. It can motivate us. But it won’t do any of those things unless we take it.

Why do I choose to take a break? What makes me take a breather? Why would I enjoy free time?

By building a little breathing room into our days, we ensure that we feeling more balanced, more productive, and happier. A little time here and there, a block or two of time in a week, a holiday to do something completely different; these are all ways that we keep our lives feeling light and satisfying.

How have I changed from always plugging away to enjoying my time away?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 02152014

If you like what you find here, please interact with the post by + or share. Thanks. How do you feel when you make a difference?

WAHOOOOOO!!!

Why are you so amazing?

Today, we broke 10,000 views. I can't even tell you how much that means to me, and it's all about you. Why do you make a difference everyday?

To celebrate, I'm offering $10.00 off the regular price of the Creative Questions cards on Amazon.  Go to www.tinyurl.com/AmazonCQcards and look for AskCreativeQuestions.

Forgive Me, Again

Forgive Me, Again

One of the greatest blessings of being a grownup is feeling free. Free from resentments, free from fretting, free from being stuck in a bad mood. Free from a whole lotta stuff.

As I take responsibility for my stuff, I have the power to change things. Sometimes I can’t seem to  change the outside aspect, but I can always change my inside aspect. One of the things I have the power to do is forgive.

A curious thing about forgiveness; in some cases, I can do it all at once, and it’s done. In other cases, I may have to forgive again and again before I can really let it go. I know I’ve succeeded when the memory of the situation doesn’t fire up a lot of emotion.

I was surprised yesterday to find that I still had some stuff that I needed to forgive, for at least the third time.

In order to forgive, I have to do some stuff.

I need to remember that I am not ‘justified’ in  feeling resentment, or anger, or hurt, that those are feelings that eat me up. I need to remember that my natural state is soul-happy, and when I am feeling resentment, or anger,or hurt, for example, I am off-path.

Why do I choose to be free? Why am I happy? What makes me feel uplifted?

I need to remember that compassion serves me and resentment consumes me.

How am I compassionate? Why am I a caring person? What makes me let go?

I need to remember that we all make the best decisions we can make at the time, and that my hating on you for your decision only really hurts me. Unless I think revenge is a good idea, and it never is.

I need to remember that we are all at different points in our growing up, and while I am more grown up than some people, there are also some people more grown up than I. I want to emulate those grownupper grownups, and model good behavior for the others.

I need to remember that I also deserve forgiveness, and might wanna do that from time to time if I find me riding myself about stuff, or feeling crappy and spewing it, or whatever the case might be.

Sometimes, I can find a silver lining in a situation. Not always, but it sure pays to look. Sometimes, that silver lining may be that I learn something about me, or maybe about you. Sometimes, I may learn that you might not be someone whom I can consider trustworthy. Knowing that, I will stop trying to change you and getting hurt, and can accept you as you are, something we really do want to do with everyone.

It will always help when I can accept the how-it-is of a situation, rather than thinking it should be some other way. Once I do that, I am back in a place of my personal strength and power. And I can forgive again.

How have I changed from harboring hurts and resentments to enjoying the freedom of forgiveness?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04142014

Creative Genius

Creative Genius

I’m always curious when people say that they aren’t creative. I always wonder what they mean. If we are human, without catastrophic brain issues, we are creative. It’s hardwired in.

We need creativity to speak. We need creativity to problem solve. We need creativity to decide what we are going to do, or going to eat, or going to anything. Deciding what we are going to do means imagining the future, and that means creativity.

Worrying is another wildly creative activity, if you see what I mean. Coming up with those awful scenarios takes a fertile mind.

Me, I would rather spend my creative energy coming up with how good things can be, how fun, how delightful or charming or magical.

Why am I so creative? Why do I use my powers for good? What makes me innovative?

As with any of our super powers, we have to cultivate the use of them, practice using them for good, since our inclination is to use them for ill.

What’s that you say, “Use them for ill?”

Oh, yeah. We have a lot of super powers; creativity, choice, decision, goal-setting, habit-forming; the list goes on, and each of those can be used to make our lives waay better, or much, much worse.

From time to time, I notice myself imagining confrontations with people. So-an-so will say this horrible thing, and I will say that, and then it will go on... And now, I am feeling tight in my stomach, like I’m actually in the situation. Because our subconscious doesn’t get the difference between real and imaginary. Hence the phrase, sick with worry. We don’t have one for sick with anger, or sick with fear, but we can do it all the same.

We will also start planning going to a substance or activity we indulge in when we want to escape from our emotional discomfort. We will imagine settling in with it, how good that first hit of whatever will be, be it a snort of something, or the little noises of our video game, or the first hits of our feet on the treadmill mat.  Anticipating that first hit, and then the numbing out is a big part of the kind of ugly pleasure.

In both situations, as soon as I catch myself making that plan, I use my creativity super power to change my thoughts. I go to peaceful and relaxed. Sometimes I can get there quickly, sometimes, it takes longer, but it always pays off.

Why am I peaceful? What makes me feel relaxed? How am I serene?

Creating that peaceful place inside, I am less inclined to have imaginary arguments with you, to put words or intentions in your mouth, to ascribe you with horrible attributes. Creating that peaceful place inside, I am less interested in retreating from my life into my soft, or hard, addictions.

How have I changed from ignoring my creative superpowers to using them for good?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04132014

How are you creative? Do you use your creativity for good? How do you feel when you are creative?

If you like what you find here, please + or share. Or both. Why are you so sweet?

Sorry Sorry Sorry

Sorry Sorry Sorry

One of the nicest things that has happened as I choose grown up is that I can be myself. I know that some of you just get it, you are yourselves, and you’ve always been yourself. I learned at a very young age that being myself wasn’t safe for me, and that I was fundamentally repellent. Poor little me. Can you say, “mislearning?”

I learned how to people-please, you know, when you put their stuff before yours, when you do things you don’t  like all the time. When you think that people are better than you, so you want to get them to like you. You set aside your needs, and then throw a coat over them to pretend you don’t have any.

I didn’t dare say “no” to you. I didn’t dare say “I want this.” At the same time, the closer you were to me, the more I neglected you. How sad is that.

Nothing was ever very satisfying, because I held me back. I was so focussed on you, half the time I couldn’t tell you even if I liked something. I watched you like a hawk on a mouse, looking for disapproval. I found it, too, even when it wasn’t there, and I took every single thing personally.

People pleasing is exhausting.

Why am I the real deal? What makes me authentic? How am I genuine?

As I chose to respect me more, I stopped trying to please you. I stopped trying to keep you from getting pissed, or disappointed, or scared from fear of how you would treat me. I started to say, “no.”

I noticed what my favorite colors were. Why can I choose?

I stopped saying “sorry” all the time. That might be the single most apparent thing about being a people pleaser, the almost constant repetition of the word, “sorry.” And when people tell us we say sorry too much, we say, you got it, “sorry!” When I am feeling apologetic for my very existence, I am not going to enjoy much of anything. I will often find ways to medicate my bad feelings through drugs or alcohol, or video games, or genre novels. As I stopped feeling apologetic for my existence, as I started to own my value, my need to medicate diminished.

I found satisfaction in my tasks. Why do I like what I do?

As I chose to trust in me, trust in the universe, I found that I could trust in you. Most of us want to do the right thing. Most of us would rather the people around us be authentic. Most of us are decent, and so my trust in you pays off.

I found support in surprising places. How could I feel supported?

Now I choose to pacify from time to time. It’s often because I see a greater good coming from that choice, rather than from a fear of incurring your wrath if I don’t.

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04122014

Have you changed a behavior for the good recently? Have you improved the quality of your questions? If you like what you find here, please + or share. It makes a difference. How do you feel when you are good enough?

Slow and Steady

Slow and Steady

It’s a two card day! I love two card days. Today I pulled the luxury card and the capable card; nice complements.

One of our typical make-our-own-lives-suck tricks is what is often referred to as “giving away our power.” When we do that, we are telling the other person that we are incapable, incompetent, and weak. We think we are giving over the charge of our lives, our decisions, our risk, but we aren’t, we are just fooling ourselves. We decide to do what So-and-So says, we decide to be victims and martyrs. It’s likely very unconscious, and we are not to blame for it, but we can take responsibility for ourselves, to choose a different way.

Another great make-our-own-lives-suck tricks is denying the true quality of our lives. Sometimes, we deny the wonder in our lives, or the blessings, or the treasure. Sometimes, we deny how bad it really is, we deny the abnormality of abuse, or dis-ease, or addiction,  and we are not to blame for it, but we can take responsibility for ourselves, to choose a different way.

On the one hand, there are usually things that could be better.

On the other hand, there is always something to appreciate, something to value, something for which we could be grateful  It may be a small thing, but it’s there, and the more I notice my gratitude, my appreciation, the more it will expand and grow stronger, and the more I will, not only notice, but also receive.

Have you ever done a “savor exercise?” It’s taking a few minutes to really, deeply experience something you eat or drink. You really look at it, you smell it, you feel the texture inside your mouth. You savor the flavors as you chew it slowly, and then, when you swallow, you attend to the tastes left in your mouth.

This exercise is a good, easy way to break in on really experiencing life.

Why am I capable? Why do I savor? Why would I choose to slow down?

Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? How the hare was all zippy and arrogant, and took a nap, and lost the race? The moral of the story is not don’t take naps. Rather, it is that we can often accomplish what we want to when we slow down inside.

I frequently have todo lists that go on and on. Some tasks will take a while, some are quick. I have found that I get a lot more accomplished when I slow down inside, another way of saying being aware, or mindful, or present. I get more done when I am speaking well of myself to myself than when I am berating me. I get more done when I remember that every task has a end point, at least for today, and, one of my favorite old saws, “This, too, shall pass.”

I used to paralyze myself with perfectionism. I would put stuff off because I needed X do to it perfectly, or I needed a whole day, or some other reason. Perfectionism and procrastination are very good friends. And, I am not doing brain surgery, so good enough is good enough, and I am quite capable of good enough.

How have I change from feeling miserly and incapable, to owning the luxury and standing up for me?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04112014

If you like it, + or share. Thanks. Why do you make a difference?

Hacking the Outcome

Hacking the Outcome

I’ve been seeing a phrase recently, floating around on the Internet; life hacks. Life hacks are tips and tricks for making life easier.

One of my favorites that I use a lot is imagining how I want something to go. How I want the phone call to go, how I want the meeting to go, how I want the lunch to go.

I used to do something like that in the yore days, but then I tended to imagining bad stuff. Not really worst case, because I have a huge imagination, but stinky case for sure.

Now, when I imaging a phone call going badly as I’m dialing the number, a bunch of stuff happens, and most of it happens in our unconscious mind.

First, when the person answers the phone, I am listening for something bad in their tone of voice; snide, exasperated, snarky, bored, angry; something like that. I was amazed in my NLP (Neurolinguistic Psychology) training at what we can hear in each other’s voices. Mostly that is processed unconsciously. Oh, we are amazing.

Next, I start seeking negative stuff in what they are saying, and respond negatively, and I can blow up a conversation in no time at all.

Why am I competent? What makes me capable? How am I effective? How do I feel when I am light? Why could things go my way?

Since we are grownups, we have grown out of imagining terrible things, and now practice imagining good things. We know things will happen as they do, good or bad, but we can sort for the wonderful rather than the dreadful.

Since we are grownups, we have grown out of saying, “I don’t know what I want,” and actually take the time to notice what we do want. So, when I am anticipating an important call, I can spend some time imaging what the best outcome for me would be.

Since we are grownups, we have grown out of fighting life, and relax into the flow. We know that life includes ups and downs, events will happen that break our hearts, and make our hearts soar. We trust that when the challenging ones happen, we will find all the strength are resources we need, and that those events will bring us, at the very least, more of ourselves, often in ways that may surprise us.

Since we are grownups, we have grown out of thinking we have to fix our lives, and know that we can trust to let our lives unfold. We can use the energy we saved by letting go to enjoy being fulling in the moment, feeling strong and soft, feeling competent, being aware of our experience, being present.

How do I know the outcome? What makes me trust? How do I choose to feel safe?

When I feel safe, I hold myself differently. When I feel happy, I hold myself differently. When I own my power, I hold myself differently. I can change how I feel by holding myself differently. I can change how I feel by biting a pencil longways, not letting my lips touch it, and doing that for a full minutes. It physically mimics a smile, and that releases feel-good neurochemicals into my system.

We may not have a lot of control over what happens in our lives, but we have a lot of control over how we respond to it.

How have let go of expecting rotten to imagining the best outcome?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2014 all rights reserved 04092014

How did today's contemplation hit ya? If you liked something here, please + or share. Thank you.