Behind the Mask

Behind the Mask

Are you the real deal? Or do you put it on for everyone? Have you relaxed into yourself? Or do you hide behind an image?

Sometimes we get the idea that it’s not okay to be ourselves. We may feel like we aren’t good enough, and so we pretend we think we are.

We may feel like we aren’t smart enough, or fancy enough, or talented enough, or well enough connected. We may feel like we were born on the wrong side of the tracks. We may want to hide a lack of credentials, or an addiction, or a challenging home life. We may want to hide the fact that we are rageful or full of grief.

So we start to pretend that we are fine, fancy, talented, smart, in the loop, happy, and peaceful.

And we start to feel fake.

Funnily, that just adds to the stress, that fear that we will be found out, that our house of cards built with such care, is going to come down on our heads.

It’s exhausting.

Why are you good enough? Why would you be safe to be yourself? How could you enjoy being you?

Sometimes, we feel like we are too much, and so we fake it is to pretend we aren’t as amazing as we really are. We pretend we aren’t as talented, or brilliant, or creative, or kind. This is so insidious. Especially when we surround ourselves with people who want us to be less than we are, for whatever their reasons are, one of those lose-lose situations we find ourselves in from time to time.

Being ourselves is a huge relief. We don’t have to worry about being found out, for one thing. We don’t have to think about how to act, or what to say. It leaves us with a ton of extra energy, a ton of room inside to fill up with nice stuff.

When I was pretending to be fancy, I was always clenched inside. When I relaxed, I discovered that I was as fancy as I wanted to be. When I was pretending not to be smart, everything was tight, I had to be paying super close attention to everything that was going on, so I could respond the right way. When I relaxed, and just let me be, the ones who were uncomfortable with it left, and new friends who love me as I am showed up.

And so it went. Sometimes, we pretend with big lies, and we have to take responsibility for that. It’s worth it. Being who you are is worth it. Moving into our natural lives is worth it.

I have to say, I kind of oozed into being myself. I really didn’t know me at all, so I took it slow and easy. And I had been pretending to be okay for so long that it seemed genuine to me, except that I felt like a phoney. But that was enough of a clue to get me on the right track.

So, I got help with it, too, trusted friends calling me on it when I felt fake to them. They weren’t always right, but often enough that I started to get it.

Here I am, as I am.

How have I changed from hiding behind my masks to letting them go and loving me?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 04292103