How to be Your Own Best Friend

How to be Your Own Best Friend

Back at the beginning of the end of the Dark Ages, I read a book called, “How to be Your Own Best Friend” by Mildred Newman.  I found it thought-provoking at the very least. And it got me thinking about me and you, and being friends, and respectful behavior, and cruelties and kindnesses.

We often treat ourselves a hundred times worse than we would ever treat anyone else. We can beat ourselves up over decisions made years before with a violence akin to cutting or burning or hitting ourselves. We can be so abusive to ourselves, based on unforgiving, negative moral judgement we would be appalled to apply to someone else. And we can do it without thinking.

If we heard a mommy or daddy speaking to their child the way we talk to ourselves, it would break our hearts. Maybe it did. Perhaps that’s where we learned it. Well, we’ve learned and unlearned a thousand things in our lives, and we can unlearn this, too.

It takes awareness. We have to notice we are being cruel to ourselves. And then we have to stop it. And then we have to make amends. And do it again and do it again and do it again.

It will take practice to change this one because of an icky secret. It’s often satisfying in some horrible way to be cruel to ourselves. It makes the part of us that is doing the abusing feel righteous. Beating ourselves up can leaving us feeling like we did something to correct the problem, whatever that might be.

Sometimes we feel like we deserve to be punished, and it may be the case that no one has noticed the horrible thing we did, so we punish ourselves.

Stop it.

Choose to become your own best friend. Why do I choose to be my own best friend?

Change the way you treat yourself. What makes me treat myself with kindness and respect?

Notice when you are being cruel to yourself, or others, stop it, apologize. It can feel weird at first to apologize to yourself, but believe me, it makes a difference. Just putting your hand over your heart and saying something like, “I’m sorry, that was mean. You don’t deserve to be spoken to/ treated like that.” can start making a huge change inside. It can start healing that poor baby whose loving parents didn’t know any better.

Being aware can help us notice when we are lying to ourselves, too. I love the 12th step advice, “Admitted to our higher power, to ourselves, and another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.” I don’t need to hire a billboard, but I do need to be honest with myself the best I can.

Spending time in my own company with joy can take some practice, and it’s worth it. Start easy, taking a walk alone, go to a movie you want to see, go to a coffee shop. With awareness, practice, kindness, and respect, not only will you have a friend who knows everything about you and loves you anyway, but you will also be setting the precedent for how you want to be treated by others, excellently!

How have I changed from acting like I stink to being my own very best friend forever?

(c) Pam Guthrie 2013 all rights reserved 05142013